


Impact

by thefangirlingdead



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst, M/M, Memories, Memory Loss, Reincarnation, also somehow this turned into a renincarnation au, god all i write is angst, like a fuckload of angst, sappy old man sex, tags will probably change as this goes on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-08
Updated: 2014-11-17
Packaged: 2018-02-03 20:51:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 53,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1756733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefangirlingdead/pseuds/thefangirlingdead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a car accident causes Levi to suffer from severe memory loss, Erwin has to adjust to living with someone who doesn't even remember him and tries to win his heart again. However, Levi may really remember more than he thinks. </p><p>Basically, this is an AU based off of the movie "The Vow" as well as a reincarnation AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. No One Said That It'd Be Easy

**Author's Note:**

> _No one said that it'd be easy_  
>  _When trouble comes around_  
>  _I will never let you fall dear_  
>  _And you will never let me down_  
>  \- [I'll Be There](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJIaY5SkKTU) \- Brighten

"You're such a sappy old man," Levi teases as he climbs out of the car and into the frigid December air. Erwin closes the door behind him and motions for Levi to take the lead, falling in-step next to him. It's New Year’s Eve and snowing like crazy, but Erwin had insisted on taking Levi out to dinner for their anniversary, despite how crowded the restaurant may be or how awful it may be outside.

"Why do you say that?" Erwin asks in return as the two of them round the corner to the small Italian place. It's a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant, but locals know it well, and it looks fairly busy as they near it. Distantly, Erwin is thankful that he decided to call and make a reservation, just in case.

"This is where we had our first date," Levi replies, glancing up at Erwin with a smirk on his face, "It may have been five years ago, but my memory isn't _that_ bad, okay?"

Erwin chuckles and shrugs, "So I'm just being sentimental. Is that a problem?"

"I think you're just hoping to _get some_ when we get home," Levi teases back.

Erwin opens the door for him and steps in behind Levi to the warm, busy building. He leans down once the door closes behind him, voice soft in Levi's ear when he speaks, "Is it working?"

And though Levi is facing away from him, Erwin doesn't miss the smirk on his face when he replies. "We'll see."

Thankfully, the two of them don't have to wait for their table, and before long, they're sitting in a small booth across from one another. Erwin orders some wine - one of the more expensive bottles on the menu, Levi notices - and sits back, smiling at his fiancé.

"What are you looking at?" Levi bites, but there's no venom in his voice. Erwin learned years ago that it's just the way that Levi is.

"It's just crazy," He replies softly, leaning forward on the table, "Five years ago, we had our first date here."

Levi snorts. "I'm aware of that," Then, quieter, "Oh god, we're not like some gross old married couple, are we?"

Erwin shrugs, "You're always calling me gross and old, and we're almost to that married point, so-"

"So that's a yes," Levi returns with a smile, "I see what you're doing, now."

"And what's that?" Erwin asks, playing along.

"You're trying to one-up last year’s anniversary," He accuses, "Which isn't going to happen. I don't really think anything beats a proposal."

Erwin laughs, "Caught me there."

At that, Levi reaches across the table, fingers ghosting against Erwin's knuckles before he squeezes his hand. "I appreciate the sentiment," He murmurs softly, " _Old man_."

Erwin will admit, he _is_ being a little bit sappy. But still, it's crazy to think that five years ago, in this same restaurant, the two of them went on their first date. Five years ago, Levi had entered his life, and Erwin has never looked back. If he's being honest, he doesn't even want to remember a time that Levi wasn't in his life. Because while he hasn't always been a hopeless romantic, he does love the man sitting across from him.

Dinner goes by fairly quickly. While Erwin and Levi both enjoy the small little Italian place - and eachother's company - the restaurant _does_ seem to only get busier and louder as the night goes on, and before long, the two of them are aching to get out of the loud building and _home_. Because apparently, Levi is right. They _are_ like an old married couple.

"I'm not saying that it was a bad idea to go out on New Year’s," Levi teases lightly as they climb back into the car a little over an hour later, "I'm just saying that maybe next year, we could stay in."

"And do what?" Erwin asks in return, sitting in the driver's seat and starting the car. He turns to look at Levi as he waits for the vehicle to warm up, and the smaller man shoots him a little smirk.

"I dunno," He mumbles, "We could celebrate by fucking all night or something."

Erwin chokes out a laugh, "I thought we were old men."

"We might be," Levi returns, "But that doesn't mean that I can't get it up."

Erwin rolls his eyes in mock-annoyance, but can't hide the smile on his face. "Fine," He agrees, "Next year, we can stay in."

And if Levi wasn't already giving Erwin enough shit about being _old_ , he's surprised that the other man doesn't make a comment on his driving on the way home. While they'd been at dinner, the snow had picked up and accumulated a little, and while there's quite a few snow plows out, the road is a little slick from the cold, so Erwin takes it slow.

Still, regardless of how slow he goes, it doesn't mean that there aren't other drivers on the road who don't share his same sense of caution.

They're almost home, climbing up the winding road that leads to their driveway, when the oncoming car veers into their lane. Erwin sees it, but only as they crest a hill, and he distantly hears Levi yell his name before the bright headlights are blinding him and he's swerving sharply to the left.

Erwin distantly registers the feeling of loss of control as they hit a patch of ice, and the panic that shoots through his body as he throws his arm out in front of Levi's chest as they go off the road. There’s a sharp pain that shoots through his arm before the car comes in contact with a tree, and then suddenly, everything is going black.

* * *

 

When Erwin awakes, it's to the soft, steady beeping of hospital machines and hushed voices speaking on the other side of the room. When he awakes, it’s with a groan as he turns to his side, then a sharp, shooting pain through his shoulder. And when he gasps as the sudden pinching feeling, he hears someone stand, murmuring his name.

"Erwin?"

He groans again, but manages to blink his eyes open, and for a moment, Erwin is staring up at a white hospital ceiling. He blinks a few times, takes a few deep breaths, and tries to steady himself. If he moves too much too fast, he realizes that he feels nauseous, so he turns his head slowly to look to the side, where both his mother and father stand, a few feet away from the bed.

"Erwin, honey?" His mom says, voice soft, "Are you alright?"

He knows he's in a hospital - the beeping machines and stark white walls are a dead giveaway - but _why?_ The last thing he remembers, he was driving home from dinner with Levi. It was snowing and-

And then suddenly, it all hits him. The other car, the way he'd swerved to miss it, how their vehicle had gone off the road. He remembers throwing his arm out in front of Levi, as if to protect him, and then everything else is blank.

 _Levi_.

He turns sharply, ignoring the pain in his shoulder and his nausea when he does so. " _Levi_ ," He rasps, "Where's Levi?"

* * *

 

The day ticks by at an agonizingly slow pace after Erwin wakes up. After he talks to his parents, who tell him that Levi is still out, as far as they know, in ICU. That Levi’s aunt got to the hospital not too long ago and she's been keeping them updated.

And the day goes by slowly after Erwin finds out that he won't be able to see Levi for another few hours, if not for another day. The day goes by slowly, when he learns that Levi suffered more head trauma than he had, even though he'd been wearing a seatbelt when they'd gotten in the accident. And the day goes by slowly when he learns that Levi is going in for tests, to make sure there's no internal bleeding.

* * *

 

Levi doesn't wake up. At least not for almost a week. 

And by the time that Erwin is well enough to be discharged - sent home with a sling for his dislocated shoulder and heavy pain meds in case he's uncomfortable - he stays. His parents insist that he go home and get a clean change of clothes, which he does, but within the hour, he's back at the hospital, waiting outside of Levi's room. Waiting for good news from his aunt or the doctors or something. Anything.

And it's frustrating. It's frustrating, because for the first two days, he's not allowed to visit Levi. He's not even allowed to _see_ him. It isn't until he's moved to a different room that Erwin is allowed in, under the supervision of a nurse of Levi's aunt. And it's _frustrating_ looking down at Levi, face battered and scraped from the accident, knuckles bloody and skin pale.

And it's frustrating when he doesn't wake up.

Erwin doesn't go to work, and thankfully, they understand. Instead, he spends the majority of his time sitting in the hospital waiting room or sitting in a chair at Levi's bedside, clutching his hand and willing for him to wake up.

_Wake up, wake up, wake up._

Because he doesn' t know what he'd do without Levi. He doesn't know how he'd be able to return to their empty house without the other man by his side. He doesn't know how he'd be able to sleep in their bed without Levi's warm body pressed against his own. He just _can't_.

So Erwin spends the majority of his time at the hospital, sleeping in the waiting room and eating when he doesn't feel terrified or nauseous.

And then one day, almost a week later, Levi wakes up. Levi wakes up, and _everything changes_.

It happens on a Monday. Erwin is sitting alone in Levi's room - his aunt stepped out to grab something to eat, and had smiled sadly at Erwin when he'd declined her offer for lunch - and it's just after noon when Levi stirs. It's not much, but it's something. It's more than he's given them in almost an entire week, so Erwin can't help the way he jumps up from his chair on the far end of the room, hands shaking.

And he can't help the way he's taking a shaky step forward when he hears Levi take a sharp, gasping breath, his eyes blinking open.

"Levi?" Erwin asks, voice quiet, trembling, stepping forward to stand next to the bed as the nurse rushes forward, checking his vitals. "Levi, can you hear me?"

While he doesn't say anything, Levi stirs in the bed again, groaning as he turns, clenching his eyes shut before finally opening them again. And Erwin's certain that he's never been happier to see those gray eyes looking back up at him. He reaches forward without hesitation, grabbing Levi's hand gently and squeezing, smile spreading across his face.

And Levi doesn't say anything at first. At first, he just blinks his eyes a few times, taking a couple of gasping breaths. At first, he doesn't say anything to Erwin, who steps away to give the nurse some room as she finishes checking his vitals. After a moment, though, she’s gone, rushing off to retrieve the doctor, and Erwin is left alone with Levi for the first time in almost a week.

And at first, it's quiet. Neither man says anything for a few moments, and when the silence is broken, it's Levi who speaks first, voice so raspy and quiet that Erwin has to lean forward to hear him.

"Where are my parents?" Levi murmurs softly, and the question catches Erwin off guard. It comes as a surprise, because Levi's parents _aren't_ there. They won't be, and the question pulls at Erwin's heart. And he doesn't know how to answer, because he only met Levi's parents a small handful of times before they passed away, over three years ago.

Erwin swallows, stuttering out a soft, "W-what?"

"My parents," Levi repeats softly, "Are they here?"

Erwin doesn't say anything. Hell, he doesn't know _what_ to say. He opens his mouth and then closes it again, trying to find the right words. Levi is obviously confused. He's been out for a while, and he just needs some time to come-to.

That doesn't stop the pain that Erwin feels in his chest, however, when Levi speaks again.

"Who are you?" He asks quietly, "Are you my doctor?"

Erwin narrows his eyes in confusion at that, even taking a small step backward. Because while he expected Levi to be confused, he hadn't expected _this_.

He clears his throat.

"Levi, it's me," He murmurs softly, and when Levi just shoots him a puzzled look in return, he continues with, "I'm Erwin. Your fiancé. Do you remember me?"


	2. I Will Always Carry You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Because my legs are strong_  
>  _My arms are stretched so long_  
>  _I will always reach for you_  
>  _Cause you are sweet and pure_  
>  _Yeah you are beautiful_  
>  _In everything you do_  
>  _You may have given up_  
>  _But I will lift you up_  
>  _I will always carry you_  
>  \- [No More Bad Days](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0SKw2duOcZ8%22) \- This Wild Life

The doctor tells Erwin that they were lucky. That if they had hit the tree at any other angle, if they hadn't been wearing their seatbelts, if they would have collided with the other car, that things could have been much worse. He tells Erwin that they're lucky to be alive, but all he can hear is the voice in the back of his head telling him that Levi doesn't remember him.

Levi doesn't remember him. He hadn't when he'd first woken up, and while it's been an entire day since then, he still doesn't. And every time he glances Erwin's way with confused, vacant eyes, staring at him like he's a stranger, it breaks Erwin's heart just a little bit more.

The doctor tells him that memory loss is common in head trauma patients. That Levi's case isn't uncommon, even though he can't remember the past five or six years of his own life. He tells Erwin that there's a chance that he could recover his memories eventually, and there's a chance that he might not. That right now, it's fifty-fifty.

The doctor tells him that they were lucky, that they're lucky to be alive, but Erwin doesn't understand how. How are they lucky if Levi can't remember him? How is he _lucky_ if the man that he's spent the past five years building his life around can't even remember his first name?

Erwin cries after he walks out of Levi's room on that first day. He sits out in the hallway, head in his hands, and he cries.

His parents have already gone back home, and Erwin finds himself sitting alone in the hallway, head in his hands, heart empty as he cries, quiet and vulnerable, for the first time in a long time.

Still, he doesn't leave. And maybe that makes him pathetic, he isn't sure. But he stays at the hospital. He still spends the night in the waiting room, sill eats lunch in the cafeteria, because part of him - the foolish, hopeless romantic part - is still holding out that maybe, Levi will remember. That maybe, he'll wake up one morning, and everything will be back to normal.

But that doesn't happen. It doesn't happen, and Erwin stays outside of Levi's room more often than he's inside of it. Because if he knows Levi, he knows that he'll want his space, especially now. Because even though Levi doesn't remember him, he's still the same person, right?

So Erwin spends most of his time in the uncomfortable chairs in the waiting room, hoping and waiting for news from Levi's aunt or his doctor or something.

And then, two days after he wakes up, Levi asks to see him. Two days after his question - _who are you?_ \- Levi sends his aunt to go get Erwin.

"He asked to see you," She says softly, with sad tired eyes. And while Erwin knows it's not good news, he can't help the way that he stands immediately, with just a little bit of hope left in his heart.

It's quiet in Levi's room when Erwin steps inside, walking past the nurse as she leaves to give them some time alone. The television is on, volume low, and for a moment, Erwin lets his eyes follow Levi's up to the screen. It's some dumb daytime drama - it's probably driving Levi insane - but Erwin doesn't say anything. Instead, he waits.

He waits, standing stock still just inside the door, until Levi speaks up.

"You can sit," He says, voice quiet, though it sounds much better than it had when he'd first woken up, "If you want."

Erwin obeys, crossing the room stiffly to sit in the chair situated at Levi's bedside. And for a moment, it's quiet again. For a moment, Erwin finds himself staring down at his own hands, clasped in his lap. The sliver band around his ring finger feels heavy, and eventually he glances up. His eyes skim over Levi's hands, and distantly, behind a fog of heartache and anxiety, he notices that _his_ ring is missing.

" _Erwin_ , right?" Levi's voice breaks the silence, and with his name on his lips, Erwin glances up, their eyes meeting. The question is like a punch to the gut.

" _Yeah_ ," He mutters, "Yeah, hey."

Levi manages a small, tight smile. "Sorry," He mumbles, "If his is weird for me, I can only imagine how difficult it is for you."

"It's alright," Erwin replies immediately, voice low. _It's alright_ , because at least Levi is awake. At least he's sitting at Levi's side, speaking to him, even if he doesn't remember him.

Levi clears his throat. He looks down, fingers picking absentmindedly at the sheets before he looks up again and speaks. "So uh... I guess I'm missing some stuff."

Erwin nods, chokes out a small, "Yeah."

"I've kind of been filled in on most of it," Levi continues, eyeing Erwin carefully, as if _he's_ the one in the hospital bed, "But uh... My aunt told me that I should probably talk to you about... _us_."

Erwin nods again, short and shallow. It's feels like his body is on overdrive, like this isn't really happening. Still he manages to mutter, "Alright."

Levi nods as well, and distantly, Erwin is grateful that the man in the bed next to him hasn't lost his ability of empathize. Because while it feels awkward, he's _trying_ , and Erwin doesn't know what he'd do if that weren't the case.

"The last thing that I really remember vividly is my sophomore year of College," Levi says, voice steady, sure, "So when did we meet?"

"During that year, around your birthday," Erwin answers, remembering it vividly. He wishes that he could just share the memory - the images in his head - with Levi, but he can't, and he feels trapped. Because what’s the point in remembering if the other half can't?

Levi nods again, hums. "And I've graduated?"

Erwin's head shoots up at that. He's actually a little surprised that Levi's aunt _hasn't_ told him this part. Maybe it just slipped her mind. That seems to be going around lately. "No," He mutters in response, "No, you uh - you dropped out."

Levi raises his eyebrows, eyes widening a bit. "I dropped out," He echoes, voice flat.

And while Erwin knows that it's going to be a testy subject, he has to tell him why. Thankfully, he knows that Levi and his Aunt have discussed his parents already. Still, he treads lightly. "After your parents passed away, you just didn't want to do it anymore," Erwin answers softly, honestly. He doesn't, however, mention how Levi had laid in bed for a week, eyes empty, vacant. He doesn't mention how Levi didn't even speak to _him_ for a few days, shutting the world out. He doesn't mention how hard things were for the weeks following his parents death. "You just said it wasn't you," He adds.

Still, Levi just nods, short and shallow. "Guess that makes sense," He says, voice empty, "So what do I do now?"

"You work at a local art gallery."

"An art gallery," Levi echoes. Erwin nods. "Huh. And what do you do?"

"I'm a history teacher," Erwin replies, "Middle school."

"Huh," Levi repeats.

And for another moment, it's quiet again. Neither of them says anything, and for a moment, the silence feels comfortable, natural. For a moment, Erwin closes his eyes and lets himself imagine that things are back to normal.

But then he's opening them, and they're not. Things are far from normal, and he's sitting at his fiancé’s bedside, but he feels alone, isolated. And when he looks up, his eyes meet Levi's vacant ones and it's like looking at a stranger.

"I'm sorry," Erwin hears himself mutter in a far away voice, "I know this is probably hard for you..."

To his surprise, Levi scoffs. " _You're_ sorry?" He asks, and his voice has a bite to it, "You shouldn’t be sorry. At least you can _remember_ me."

"Levi-"

"Sorry," He mutters, reaching up to scrub his hands over his face quickly. It messes his hair and Erwin has to stop himself from reflexively reaching out to fix it. "Sorry," Levi repeats, voice low, "I know. It's hard. It's just... You can't even _imagine_ what it's like to wake up one morning and having a doctor tell you that you don't remember the past five years of your life."

"I know," Erwin murmurs softly.

"It's just," Levi sighs, "It would be a lot easier if I had something concrete, you know? Like, if I just had a shred of _one_ tiny memory to hold on to, it would at least make this a little more believable."

Erwin glances up at Levi at that, then back at his hands, echoing, "I know."

"Sorry," Levi repeats, "That sounded rude. I just - it feels like someone has lived the past five years for me, and then you come in telling me that we're _engaged_ and I don't even remember your _name_ , let alone where we live, why I fell in love with you, I don’t even _know_ you..." He trails off, and Erwin lets a quiet silence fall over them for a moment. Because what is he supposed to say to that?

_I don’t even know you._

The words hit hard.

"Do you have any photos of us, or something?" Levi offers quietly after a moment. And when Erwin glances up at him, he clarifies, "You know, something _concrete_?"

It takes a second for it to hit Erwin, but then he's nodding, pulling his phone out of his pocket. "Not with me… But I have a voicemail, _I think_ ," He murmurs, "If you'd like to hear it."

Levi shrugs, "Yeah, sure. Anything helps, I suppose."

"It's from a month or so ago..." Erwin explains, pulling out his phone and thumbing through the voicemails on his it before he lands on Levi's name. He clicks on the message, puts it on speakerphone, and holds it out.

" _Hey you big oaf,"_ Levi's voice floats through the speakers. He'd left the voicemail just before Erwin went on winter break, mid December. Erwin remembers that evening perfectly, " _I know you're still at work, just wanted to call and say hi, I guess. I got off early and it's kind of boring here without you around. Anyway, I'm making dinner, so don't stop anywhere."_ He pauses, thoughtful, then quietly adds, _"You're gonna love what's for desert. See you when you're off, old man. Love you."_

The message stops, and for a moment, it's silent in the room. Erwin doesn't say anything, and neither does Levi. Instead, he just stares at the phone as if he doesn't recognize his own voice. And for a moment, Erwin wonders if he made a mistake. If the message was too much.

"Well," Levi finally mutters, breaking the silence, "That's definitely me."

Erwin chokes out a small, short laugh. "Yeah. Sorry. I forgot about the end of that."

"No, no," Levi assures, "It's okay. It's good. It's something."

"Alright," Erwin nods, "So... What now?"

When Levi doesn't say anything at first, Erwin continues, "I understand if you don't want to go home with me right now... Amy said you could stay with her for a while, or I could call up Farlan or Isabel-"

"When was the last time I saw them?" Levi asks suddenly, cutting Erwin off. Farlan and Isabel had been good friends of Levi's throughout high school and into the years after, but slowly, their relationship tapered off. The two of them had moved into the city while Levi stayed upstate, and eventually, they just stopped talking.

"A couple of years," Erwin answers honestly, "But they know about what happened and they said they'd be more than happy to take you in. You'd be with people you're used to and-"

"No," Levi cuts him off, shaking his head, "No, that's alright."

Erwin nods, "Okay, well I'll let your aunt know-"

"I'll go home with you," Levi interrupts him again, and when Erwin glances up at him, surprised, he elaborates, "The doctors said it would be good for me to get back into my old routine to help try and jog my memory, so it would be best for me to go _home_."

Even as he says it, the word sounds foreign on his tongue, but Erwin nods shallowly in agreement. "Alright."

* * *

 

By early evening the next day, Levi is discharged, and his Aunt and Erwin are helping him to the car. Levi's car is older than Erwin's was by a few years, and it doesn't run as well, but Erwin is thankful that they have it. He'll have to get a new car for himself soon, but he doesn't worry about that right away. 

"I still have this piece of shit?" Levi asks when he sees the old Honda Civic sitting out in the parking lot.

Erwin lets out a small laugh, "Yeah."

" _Jesus_ ," He mutters, "Some things never change."

Thankfully, Levi didn't receive any other injuries in the accident besides his head and some minor scrapes and bruises, so he's able to walk himself to the car that afternoon, with only a little help from his aunt when he climbs in the passenger seat.

"Just give me a call if you need anything," She calls before Levi shuts the door, blocking out the cold January air. And then she's gone, and Levi and Erwin are alone again.

The first half of the car ride is silent. An old CD of Levi's plays quietly on the stereo and Erwin turns the heat on full blast, trying to block out any awkward silence, but it's hard. It's _hard_ when he's so used to snarky, clever conversations with Levi in the passenger seat on the ride home. It's hard when he's used to talking to Levi about normal, boring, mundane things, and now, he can't think of anything to say.

It's hard, because even if Erwin doesn't want to admit it, it feels like there's a stranger sitting in the passenger seat of the car. Though, if he thinks about it, he's certain that Levi feels the same way.

"So where do you - _we_ \- live?" Levi asks, five minutes into their drive down the small, upstate New York highway.

"Not too far from here," Erwin replies, "We’ve got a house just outside of Cambridge."

Levi raises his eyebrows, "And we can afford that? On just a teacher's salary? No offense, but-"

"My parents helped us," Erwin replies before Levi has a chance to finish, "They owned the house. It was sort of... A graduation present, after college."

"Huh," Levi breaths, and for a moment, it's quiet. Erwin finds himself wondering if Levi is thinking the same thing he'd thought when Erwin's parents gave him the place a few years back. He'd been annoyed, had insisted that they didn't need the handout, but ultimately, fell in love with the small white house when they went to visit it. It wasn't anything huge, by any means, and it needed a little bit of work, but it was nice. Levi had fallen in love with it immediately, weather he wanted to admit it or not, and Erwin can't help but wonder if he will again.

Because maybe if he can fall in love with their house again, he call fall in love with _Erwin_ again, right?

"Do they like me?" Levi asks, cutting Erwin's thoughts short.

"What?" Erwin asks in return, the question catching him by surprise.

"Your parents," Levi clarifies, "Do they like me, or..."

Erwin chuckles, and it's light and airy. It feels natural, easy for the first time since being in the hospital. "It took a little warming up," He answers, "But yeah, they like you."

Levi scoffs, "What did I do?"

And Erwin can't help but smile at the memory, of the first time Levi had met his parents. He'd felt uncomfortable in their large, upstate ranch house, and had made a point in scowling, slouching in his seat at dinner like a child, despite Erwin kicking him gently under the table.

"Apart from making a couple of blatant sexual comments at dinner the first time you met them," Erwin replies, "You were your usual charming self."

Levi snorts out a laugh, and the smile looks good on him, regardless of how short-lived it is. " _Great_."

A silence falls over the car again, and Erwin lets it happen, deciding that if Levi wants to talk about things or ask him any questions, he will on his own time. If he knows the other man, he knows that he doesn't like being pestered or pushed into doing anything. If he wants to talk about it, he will.

And as if on cue, Levi is speaking again, breaking the silence.

"So," He starts, voice quiet, "We're engaged."

Erwin swallows, nods, "Yep."

"Did you, or-"

"I did," Erwin answers before Levi finishes asking his question. _Over a year ago, now_ , he thinks, but doesn't say.

"Naturally," Levi mutters, and is quiet for a moment before he adds, "I might have to wait to hear that story."

And though it’s hard - though he wishes that things were different - Erwin nods, hoping that he won’t have to _tell_ Levi that story. Hoping that he’ll remember.

* * *

 

"Holy shit," Levi breaths when they turn down the driveway that evening. The sun has just finished setting and as they slowly creep up the dirt drive, the little white house slowly comes into view behind the trees surrounding it, illuminated in dull twilight. It's secluded, but not horribly so. The closest neighbor is only a block or two away - within seeing distance - but Erwin understands why Levi is a little blown away by their home. Five years ago, Levi had been living in a shitty, one bedroom apartment by himself, barely scraping by enough to feed himself and go to school. Five years ago, Erwin knows that Levi could have never seen himself owning a home, let alone a decent one. 

Erwin lets out a nervous laugh, "It's not much, but-"

" _Not much_ ," Levi echoes, "Right."

"You'll like it," Erwin assures, glancing over at Levi, who's eyes widen as they pull up to the house. And it's not huge, but if Levi is thinking anything that he had been thinking when they'd seen the place for the first time, Erwin knows that it's big for him.

Levi doesn't say anything in response at first, but when they finally pull to a stop in front of the house, he wastes no time in un-buckling his seatbelt, sitting up straighter to eye the building in front of them. "So," He mutters quietly, "You gonna give me the tour?"

Erwin manages a smile, "That's the plan."

And while Erwin is certain that walking into their house, full of furniture and personality - full of things that they've bought together, full of their own little touches to make it _theirs_ \- must be overwhelming for him, Levi seems to handle it pretty well. He lingers in the doorway for a few seconds, taking in the main room of the house, the living room to their left, kitchen to the right, and when Erwin leads him through the rooms on the first floor - "Here's the kitchen, that's the dining room, living room" - he notices how Levi takes it slowly, fingers dragging along the furniture, eyes really taking everything in.

It isn't until they reach the bedroom upstairs - the one that they share - that Levi really pauses, eyes wide. It isn't until Erwin leads Levi into their bedroom that Levi's demeanor changes. His gaze immediately fixates on one point, and it isn't until Erwin follows it that he realizes what Levi is looking at.

Sitting on the opposite side of the bed - Erwin's side - is a framed picture on the bedside table - a photo of the two of them, Erwin's arm draped easily around Levi's shoulders, and Levi in the picture is looking up at Erwin, smile spread across his face. Hanji had taken it at their engagement party - which they'd had at Erwin's request, though Levi had insisted that it was too much - hence why Erwin is dressed up in the photo, while Levi only wears a simple black, button down shirt, his hair pushed back instead of falling into his eyes like it usually does. It hadn't been a great photo - in fact, looking at it, it's obvious that it's a little blurry and was taken on a crappy disposable camera - but Erwin had loved it and insisted on buying a frame for it. Levi thought it was stupid - _"I know what we look like, Erwin. We don't need a picture of us."_ \- but Erwin insisted on keeping it.

And now, Levi stands, stock still inside the bedroom, staring at the framed photo, chewing on his bottom lip. And Erwin wants to explain - wants to tell him about the photo, about how amazing that night was - but he worries that it might be too much, too fast, so he doesn't say anything. Instead, he clears his throat, catching Levi's attention.

"You can stay in here," He says quietly, watching Levi's face as he looks away from the picture, "I can take the guest bedroom."

"Are you sure?" Levi asks, "I don’t want to-"

"It's fine," Erwin assures, before he even has a chance to say anything else, "I'd rather you be comfortable."

Levi nods, "Alright."

And for a moment, an awkward silence falls over them. Levi still stands just inside the room, Erwin almost on the opposite end, and for a moment, he isn't certain what to say. He hadn't planned what to do - what to say, because how would he? What's he _supposed_ to say, as he watches the way that Levi's eyes track over their bedroom - their _home_ \- like a stranger. Like he hasn't lived there for the better part of two years.

"Are you hungry?" Erwin asks after a couple of beats of silence, trying _something_ , but to his dismay, Levi shakes his head no, taking another couple of steps into the bedroom.

"I uh - I might just try to get some rest. I'm pretty exhausted," He answers.

"Oh. Yeah," Erwin replies, nodding, " _Yeah_ , of course. I'll let you get some sleep." He steps back, starting to make his way out of the bedroom. "Bathroom is just down the hall to the right," He adds, "Just yell if you need anything."

Levi nods in return, short and simple. "Alright."

And at that, Erwin turns, making his way out of the bedroom, ready to close the door behind himself. Because while it makes his chest heavy, he knows that Levi needs his space. He needs time to get used to how things used to be. So he goes to make it way out, and only pauses when he hears his name on Levi's lips.

"Erwin?" It's soft, tentative, and he turns, part of him hoping that maybe, _possibly_ , he's remembered something. But when his eyes meet Levi's, they're still vacant, empty, telling him that no, Levi doesn't remember yet. His chest feels heavy, but he manages to suck it up and respond.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you," Levi says quietly, and for a moment Erwin wants nothing more than to cross the room and envelop him in a hug. For a moment, he wants nothing more than to kiss Levi and hold him and tell him that everything will be okay, but he can't.

He knows he can't, so he only lingers in the doorway for a moment longer, shooting Levi a small smile. "Of course," he murmurs in return, and then he's leaving, shutting the door behind himself.

And it's hard, going to bed by himself. It's hard, lying in bed alone in the empty guest bedroom, Levi sleeping only down the hallway. And honestly, Erwin wants nothing more than to fall into bed with him, to hold him and wake up with him, for everything to go back to the way it used to be. But it's not going to. No, lying in bed, Erwin knows that even if Levi remembers, things will never go back to the way they were. Things will never be the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for this sad and somewhat awkward chapter. I know that not much happened, but I promise that things will start picking up soon!  
> I'm so excited to share the rest of this with you guys!


	3. I Wish You Felt The Same

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _You filled a hole that's in my soul_  
>  _I wish you felt the same_  
>  \- [Better With You](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5as2gVEGjI) \- This Wild Life
> 
> Sorry that this chapter took a little while, I've been super busy this week/weekend. I'm hoping to have chapter 4 up soon though to make up for it!

Breakfast is usually routine for Erwin and Levi. Usually, Erwin is up long before the smaller man, already cooking something to eat before Levi finds himself wandering down the stairs and into the kitchen, sleepy scowl etched onto his face. By the time Levi wakes in the morning, Erwin is usually almost done making something to eat, and he _always_ has a pot of coffee ready for Levi, because he knows that it will take a couple of cups before the other man is awake and pleasant enough to hold a conversation with.

Breakfast is routine for them, and as the doctor had said, routine would be _good_ for Levi, so Erwin doesn't make that first morning back in their home any exception. No, instead of sleeping in or moping around or trying to tiptoe around things, he finds himself in the kitchen that morning, a little earlier than usual, making something simple - pancakes. After all, they're Levi's favorite, and even if he's not home when the other man eventually wakes - he's got to be at work in a little over an hour - he'll leave him something. Some form of a routine.

What Erwin doesn't expect, however - as he stands, cooking breakfast in his _underwear_ early that morning because he'd forgotten to grab a change of clothes from their bedroom - is for Levi to wander down the stairs and into the kitchen. In fact, he doesn't even hear the other man padding quietly into the room until he hears him snort out a small, short laugh from behind him.

Erwin turns quickly at that, just in time to catch Levi, standing just inside the kitchen, arms crossed in front of his chest, small smirk playing on his face.

"Morning," Erwin calls with a small smile, turning back to the stove to flip a pancake before it burns.

Instead of offering a _good morning_ in return, Levi - his usual, half-awake self - mutters out, "Do you always cook breakfast in your underwear, or is this a special occasion?" Some things never change.

Erwin offers a small laugh in return. "I forgot to grab a change of clothes from the bedroom."

"Mmm." He hears Levi pull out a stool, taking a seat at the island bar that overlooks the kitchen. "And you didn't think to put on a shirt?"

"I didn't think you'd be up and I didn't want to disturb you," Erwin returns, "Sorry."

Levi snorts out another short laugh. "Well, I’m not disturbed,” He says, then mutters softly, “I mean, I guess I can see why we're _together._ "

Erwin turns at that comment, and - though it's a reminder that Levi still doesn't _remember_ \- he can't help the smile that graces his face in return. After all, he's still _Levi_. He still doesn't try to hide the way that he looks Erwin up at down quickly before shrugging, looking down at his hands.

"Do you want something to eat?" Erwin asks, changing the subject, "Pancakes? Coffee?"

"Coffee's fine," Levi mutters, and at that, Erwin turns again, reaching into the cabinet to grab a cup, pouring Levi's coffee how he usually likes it, with minimal cream and sugar.

He can't help but notice the way that Levi cringes upon his first sip, reaching forward for the cream and adding more to his drink.

"So your work understands if you don't want to return right away - or at all," Erwin finds himself explaining to Levi less than an hour later, after he's dressed and ready for work, "But if you find yourself bored, I left your keys on the dining room table. There's a nice trail just down the road if you want to go for a walk or something. I'll be home shortly after four."

Levi nods, still clutching onto his coffee cup. If Erwin's keeping track, he's on his third cup, which means he should at least be _awake_ by now, despite the fact that he's still in his pajamas, hair still disheveled from sleep. "You sure I don't need a babysitter?" He asks, voice deadpan. Erwin's eyebrows raise in return and he goes to say something in his defense -

_"I didn't mean it like that, I just-"_

\- but before he can even finish planning out his words in his head, let alone speak, Levi is giving him a half-hearted, lopsided smile.

" _Kidding_ ," He mutters, "Just kidding. Thank you. I'll call you if I get lost or something."

And while Erwin wants to apologize - it's not that he doesn't trust Levi, and it's not that he doesn't think he's capable of taking care of himself, he's just worried - he's in a hurry, and Levi seems okay, so with a smile, nod and a few parting words, he's out the door and heading to work.

And for the first time since he woke up in the hospital with no recollection of the past five years, Levi is _alone._

* * *

 

Levi spends the better half of the morning wandering around the house, flipping through books on the shelf in the living room, thumbing through clothes - _his_ clothes, ones that he doesn't remember buying - in the closet, trying to find some clue, some little shred of a memory in the large house to try to kick start his brain. He showers shortly after Erwin leaves, and notices that there's only one bottle of shampoo in the bathroom and makes the assumption that they more than likely share it. And as he lathers it through his hair, he breaths the scent in deep, trying to get used to it, because _this is his life, now_. This is his life, and it has been for the past five years, apparently, and it _kills_ him that he can't remember any of it. 

It kills him that he can't remember the name of the place that he works at, even though Erwin told him earlier, and it kills him that he can't even remember the name of the street that he lives on, despite passing it the day before. It _kills_ Levi that he doesn't remember dropping out of school. That, despite how painful it might have been, he doesn't remember how he'd felt when he'd found out about his parents. Because though his Aunt had told him what happened - why they weren't at the hospital when he woke up - and he'd been devastated, it also came with a hollow numbness in his chest _because it happened over three years ago_ , and he doesn't even remember it. And it absolutely _kills_ him.

Hell, it even kills Levi that he doesn't remember Erwin. Erwin, the bright eyed and optimistic guy who'd chosen to stick by his side despite all of this _shit_ when he could have easily run away. In fact, Levi is certain that anyone else would have. After all, he's not necessarily a catch, and someone like Erwin - handsome, kind, generous, obviously from a rather wealthy family - could easily find someone up to par with himself. So it kills him that he doesn't remember meeting Erwin, that he doesn't remember falling in love with him, kissing him, going out to dinner with him. It kills him that he doesn't remember _getting engaged to him_ , because Levi had always thought himself to be someone who would never get married, yet here he is, staring down at the empty space on his ring finger where an engagement ring had been when he'd woken up in the hospital bed a week ago.

And it kills him that he hasn't had the heart to put the ring back on yet. Because partially, he feels like he doesn't _deserve_ it if he can't even remember the seemingly great person who'd given it to him. No, the small silver band sits untouched on the nightstand in the bedroom, right beside the framed photo of himself and Erwin - the one that he doesn't remember being taken. The one that he'd had to lay down on its face last night, because he could bear to look at the photo of himself anymore without being able to _remember_.

By late afternoon, Levi is antsy, feeling cooped up in the house, and suddenly finds himself itching to get out. He remembers Erwin telling him that he'd left his keys on the table, and - after grabbing a coat from the closet in the bedroom - he decides that a walk is in order. If nothing else, it'll help clear his head and get his mind off of the things he can't remember.

It's a funny thing, the brain. He remembers distinctly the sterile smell of the hospital and the taste of breakfast that morning, and he clearly remembers the look on Erwin's face when he'd thought - for a split second, the night before - that he'd remembered something about their past. He remembers waking up in the hospital, the worried look on Erwin's face and the somber one on his Aunt's, but he can't remember a moment before that. He can't remember _the past five years_ , but he vividly remembers what his apartment - his _old_ apartment, now - looked like, what it smelled like, what it felt like.

But he can't remember the past five years. He can't remember some of the most important details of his life, and it's _awful_. It's like a name that's _just_ on the tip of his tongue - _because he knows it, he really does_ \- but every time he tries to remember, he just draws a blank. Whenever he tries to grasp it, it slips right through his fingers, always just barely out of reach. It feels as though someone has lived the past five years of his life for him, and it’s terrifying because he _knows_ that he’s changed a lot in those past five years, and he’s scared that he won’t like the person he’s become.

So he decides to take a walk, to fill his head with _new_ memories, to get his mind off of everything else. And it's cold outside when he steps out the front door, keys in hand, but the bitterness is refreshing. It's something _new_. And Levi revels in the way the snow crunches underneath his feet as he walks up the driveway, in the smell of the cool winter air, because at least it's _something._

When he reaches the end of the driveway, Levi decides to take a left, forgetting _where_ exactly Erwin had said the trail was, and figures that if anything, he can just walk down the road for a little bit before turning around. He glances over his shoulder as he walks, making sure to take a mental note of the address on the mailbox, just in case he forgets between now and whenever he decides to head back.  
  
And for the first fifteen minutes of his walk, things are silent. There's the faint chirping of birds off in the distance, somewhere hidden in the trees that line either side of the road, and the far away sound of cars on the highway a few miles off, but despite that, it's quiet. For the first time in the past week, Levi's mind is quiet. Instead of trying to think about anything - instead of trying to _remember_ anything - he just focuses on walking, watching his breath rise and disappear into the cold winter air. He focuses on the small tracks left in the snow on the side of the road, likely from a fox or a raccoon, on the way the wind bites at his cheeks when it blows toward him every once in a while.

Lost in thought - or lack thereof - Levi doesn't notice when someone, walking on the other side of the street, crosses, making their way toward him. He doesn't notice, until they're calling his name, voice chipper and much too bright for the cold winter afternoon.

"Levi!" His head shoots up at the sound of his own name on the stranger's lips, and, as quickly as he glances up, Levi's heart _sinks_ because he doesn't recognize their face. _Great_. Just another person he has to disappoint by telling them that he doesn't remember them. He tries to pull a name from the back of his mind, studying the strangers face - their glasses, long brown hair pulled up into a messy ponytail, permanent smile - searching for something that he recognizes, but when he doesn't come up with anything, Levi opens his mouth to say something.

And then he's promptly closing it, because they're speaking first. "My name is Hanji," She says, smile never leaving her face, step never faltering, despite the fact that Levi has stopped dead in his tracks, despite the worried look that he wears on his face. "I know you probably don't remember me," She continues, "But I'm a friend of yours and Erwin's. I live right down the road."

Levi takes her hand when she outstretches it and shakes, trying not to let his nerves show. Because the last thing he wants to do is disappoint someone else. "Hey," He manages.

_Eloquent, Levi. Real eloquent._

She smiles, and falls into step next to Levi, allowing him to resume walking down the road, despite the fact that he should probably stop to take everything in. "Erwin said you might be home today," She explains, once again without missing a beat, "And he said that I should wait before stopping by, but what he doesn't know won't hurt him."

Levi manages a smile. He takes a breath, decides to attempt to hold the conversation. After all, routine is good. Familiarity is good. If he knows this Hanji person, he should talk with her. It could help. "How long have you known Erwin?" He asks as he walks with her.

"As long as I've known you," She replies easily, "I met the both of you right after you moved in, a couple of years ago."

Levi hums, nods, but can't come up with anything else to say. What's he _supposed_ to say? _Sorry, I don't remember you, you seem nice though?_

"Sorry," Hanji says suddenly, seemingly reading his mind, "I know it was a little forward of me, I just saw you walking by and wanted to make sure you were okay."

"It's alright," Levi finds himself replying, "This is all just a lot..."

"Understandably," Hanji retorts, but still, her energy and attitude doesn't sway, "Let me guess, Erwin's been all awful and mopey? Tiptoeing around you like you're a child?"

Levi manages a small chuckle. "Basically."

"He's just worried," Hanji assures, "Doesn't want to push you too far." She pauses, thoughtful for a moment, before adding, "He really loves you, you know."

And for a moment, Levi doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know what to say, because - save for the five years that he doesn’t remember - nobody's really said those words and _meant them_ to him before. And while it was pretty obvious that Erwin cares for him - that they’ve more than likely said those words to one another before - it's a little different actually hearing them said out loud, even by someone else. Hanji seems to catch the way he pauses, step faltering, and immediately backtracks.

"I'm sorry if that was a little much," She says immediately, shooting him an apologetic smile, "I just mean that he really cares about you."

Levi manages a nod at that, as well as a small, tight smile. "I'm starting to see that."

A silence falls between the two of them at that, and for a moment, it's comfortable. It's an easy silence, one that Levi's used to feeling between his close friends or family, and within seconds, he realizes why Hanji had approached him. Though he doesn't remember her, he can tell by her excitement - by her mannerisms - that they're close. And while he doesn't _remember_ her, he trusts her, even if just a little bit.

"Am I happy?" He asks, breaking the silence between the two of them. He doesn't even realize that he stops walking at the question until Hanji stops and turns to face him. "Here?" Levi clarifies, when she doesn't say anything at first, "With him?"

And then, at his words, her face spreads into a big, warm smile, reaching all the way to her eyes. "Yeah," She says, and it's the softest she's spoken since introducing herself, "Yeah, you are."

* * *

 

Levi returns to the house shortly after talking with Hanji, his hands cold in his pockets, deeply regretting not wearing any gloves, and only fifteen minutes after getting home, he's sitting in the living room - warming his hands up - when he hears the front door open. He doesn't get up from where he sits on the couch, but he hears Erwin stomp the snow off of his shoes before kicking them off, setting his keys on the counter. For a moment, it's silent. Levi listens as Erwin pads softly into the kitchen, trying to decide if he should say something first; if he should greet the other man or wait for Erwin to say something to him. And it's awkward, because he doesn't _remember_ their usual routine. He doesn't remember what usually happens when Erwin comes home from work, and it's frustrating.

Levi sighs, standing, and decides to make his way into the kitchen. Erwin is standing with his back to him, grabbing what looks like a beer out of the refrigerator when he approaches, and Levi clears his throat to get his attention. "Hey."

Erwin turns at that, shooting him a small, tentative smile. "Hey," He echoes.

Levi reaches up, scratching at the back of his neck awkwardly. Because even an entire day of attempting to sort things out in his head hasn't helped much. "How was work?" He offers half-heartedly. He's willing to try _something_ , even if it feels off. Even if it feels unnatural.

"Good," Erwin mutters in return, "It was good." He leans up against the kitchen counter at that, popping open the beer with a bottle opener before gesturing toward Levi, his way of asking if he wants one. Levi shakes his head no, noting how Erwin frowns for a split second before speaking again. "How was your day?"

And _god_ , it sounds so awkward, _so forced_ , but what else are they supposed to do? Distantly, Levi wonders if maybe he should have gone to the city to stay with his old friends, just to get back in the swing of things, but he knows that it probably would have just made this more difficult. Not to mention, it wouldn’t have been fair to the man standing across from him. And Levi isn’t certain when he started caring about other people’s feelings - specifically the feelings of people he can’t even remember - but if he had to guess, it was probably somewhere in between meeting Erwin and getting engaged to him.

"It was good," He replies, shuffling a few feet closer, into the kitchen, "I went for a walk down the road. Ran into the neighbor-" He waves his hand in the air, having forgotten her name already.

"Hanji?" Erwin offers, and Levi nods.

"Yeah," He mutters, "She seems... _nice_."

Erwin laughs at that. "A little overbearing?"

"A lot," Levi corrects, cracking a small smile as well. It helps him relax, feel less stiff. "But she was nice."

"She is," Erwin agrees, nodding, and then it's quiet. He takes a swig of his beer, and Levi stands in place, watching, waiting, trying to come up with something else to say. He isn't certain that he should tell Erwin what he and Hanji spoke about, but he doesn't have much else to say. It's _hard_ , when he can't remember any of the boring, mundane things that they probably used to talk about before.

Thankfully, Erwin saves him by speaking first. "Are you hungry? I was thinking of making burgers or something..."

"Yeah," Levi replies immediately, realizing that he hasn't eaten anything since breakfast, "Yeah, that sounds good."

Erwin smiles at his answer, eyes lighting up a bit. "Good," He replies softly, and at that, a comfortable silence falls over them.

Levi offers to help Erwin cook dinner, but the other man refuses, insisting that he should just sit back and relax. So instead of sitting awkwardly and quietly in the kitchen, Levi finds himself in the living room, watching the news, quickly realizing that he's been missing out on a whole hell of a lot more than his _own_ life. After all, a lot can change in five years. And after that, time seems to go by quickly. In fact, it feels like no time at all has gone by before Erwin is calling his name from the kitchen, letting him know that food is ready.

And for the majority of dinner, it's quiet. Levi compliments Erwin on his cooking, and Erwin thanks him, but then it's silent. It's silent and awkward and normally, Levi would be more than okay with that - he's not much of a talker, anyway - but the little looks that Erwin shoot him over his plate every now and then drive him crazy, so he can't help the anxiety that rises up in his chest.

When he opens his mouth to speak, it's at the same time that Erwin does, but Levi's words ring louder. Or well, his _word_ rings louder.

" _Why_?" It's short, simple, and obviously in need of an explanation - clarification - but it seems to do the trick. It starts a conversation.

"What?" Erwin asks in return, shooting him a puzzled glance.

Levi takes a deep breath, setting his fork down. Suddenly, he's lost his appetite. Maybe he shouldn't have chosen _now_ to have a serious conversation with the other man, but it's happening. And hell, he doesn’t even know where this came from - maybe it was his short conversation with the neighbor or maybe it’s the fact that he had a whole day alone with his thoughts - but he’s speaking now, and he can’t take it back. "Why did you choose to stay?" Levi asks, because it's been one of the many questions on his mind since he's woken up. Why had Erwin chosen to stick by his side when he could have easily left? Why would _anyone_ want to look at someone they love every single day, knowing that that person doesn't even _remember_ them?

But the look that Erwin shoots him says that it was an easy decision. That it was a no-brainer. In fact, he looks taken aback by the question. "I think the ring on your finger answered that question pretty well."

And for a moment, Levi is embarrassed. He's embarrassed because he's normally not like this, so unsure of himself, so worried, but he can't help it. He clears his throat. Under the table, he runs the pads of his fingers against the empty space on his ring finger. "How did you _pop the question_ , anyway?" He manages to ask, trying to change the subject, even as he covers his ring finger with his other hand, silently a little ashamed that the ring still sits upstairs on the bedside table.

Thankfully, it works. Erwin gives him a thoughtful smile at that, "It wasn't anything over the top or ridiculously romantic or anything-"

" _Good_ ," Levi mutters, shooting him a small smile as well, "I probably would have given you shit."

"You would have," Erwin agrees, "But uh, no, it wasn't anything big. I actually hadn't even been planning on asking you when I did. I didn't even have a ring with me. We were just - we were downtown one evening, and I looked at you, and I sort of just _knew_ , so I asked."

Levi raises his eyebrows a little, "Just like that?"

"Just like that," Erwin echoes with a smile, "You made fun of me for not having a ring, and for not getting down on one knee and everything, but uh... You said yes."

Levi huffs out a little laugh. He closes his eyes, trying to remember it, but he can't. He can see Erwin, and he can see himself, but only as Erwin describes the memory to him. He doesn't see any details, can't see what they looked like - what they were wearing, where they were - and it's frustrating. It's like reading a book and trying to visualize it, but there aren't enough details, not enough to really picture it.

Because while Erwin can remember the story crystal clear as he retells it, Levi can't. He can't share that with him, so he pushes, just a little bit.

"How did you know?" He asks quietly, opening his eyes to look up at Erwin. The other man looks puzzled at his question for a moment, so he elaborates, "You said you looked at me and you just knew. So how did you know?"

Erwin smiles softly, fondly, and Levi wishes - more than anything - that he could share whatever it is that he's remembering with him. "I don’t even remember what we were talking about, to be honest," Erwin answers, voice light, soft, "But I looked at you, and you glanced back at me and you just had this _look_  on your face and I knew, right then and there, that I wanted to see that face every day for the rest of my life. It was like it just _hit me_ out of nowhere. I just knew."

And Levi's quiet at that. He's quiet, because he wishes he could remember. He wishes he could remind Erwin what they'd been talking about, what he'd said to make him smile. He wishes that he understood what Erwin meant when he said _he just knew_. Because while he can't deny that the man seems nice - _great_ , actually - and that he's handsome, polite, kind, caring, he doesn't _know_ him. He doesn't know what makes him tick, what makes him laugh or what turns him on. He doesn't know what his favorite color is or what his parent’s names are, and Erwin knows _all of that_ about him and more. Hell, Erwin knew enough to know that he wanted to marry him. He knows enough to be certain that he made the right choice in staying with him, even through all of this.

Erwin _remembers_ him, Erwin _knows_ him, but when Levi looks across the table at the man smiling back at him, he sees a stranger. A wonderful, beautiful stranger, but a stranger, nonetheless.

Suddenly, he regrets asking Erwin the question. He regrets trying to have this conversation right now, so soon. Because it's all too much, too fast. Because Erwin's looking at him with nothing but love and hope and his eyes, and Levi can't return the favor _because he doesn't even know him yet._ Suddenly, he feels dizzy. Sick.

Within moments, Erwin's smile falters and drops. His eyebrows pull together in concern and he leans forward on the table, just slightly. "Levi?" He asks, voice worried, " _Hey_ , are you okay?"

The concern laced in Erwin's voice only manages to make Levi feel worse, but he manages a short, small nod, closing his eyes tightly. One hand grips the edge of the table tightly while the other comes up to scrub quickly and roughly over his face and through his hair, as if it'll help him remember. It's a nervous tick, but it helps him calm down a little. Helps him keep his hands from shaking more than they already are.

"Yeah," He mutters, "Yeah, I just - I don't feel well."

"Do you need to lie down?" Erwin asks in return, and the worry in his voice almost makes Levi want to be sick. Because even now, Erwin cares about him. Even when he knows that Levi can't return those feelings.

Levi nods jerkily, eyes closed. He pushes his chair out to stand, steadying himself on the table, and listens as Erwin stands as well. "Yeah," He rasps, but even as he speaks, he puts a hand out, as if to stop Erwin from coming any closer, "I can walk myself. I just need to rest."

And while Levi can practically _feel_ Erwin's disappointment - his worry - the other man seems to understand that he needs his space, backing off slightly. "Alright," He says softly, "Just call if you need anything."

And at that, Levi is nodding, opening his eyes and pushing himself away from the table, heading with shaky steps down the hall and up the stairs.

Instead of going into the bedroom - _their bedroom_ , he reminds himself, that he usually shares with _Erwin_ \- Levi finds himself stumbling into the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind himself. He leans up against the counter, palms pressing into the cool granite of the sink, and finds himself looking straight into the mirror. His vacant, bloodshot eyes scan over his body, his face, searching for something, _anything_ to anchor him there. And while it's not the first time that he's looked at himself in the mirror since waking up, it's the first time that he's really _seen_ himself.

While five years hasn't done a _ton_ to age him, Levi looks _different._ It's like looking at a stranger in the mirror. Dark bags under the eyes that stare back at him, and Levi wonders if they came with age, or if it's due to stress or lack of sleep or if they’re still black and blue from the crash, just like some of the cuts that still litter his face and arms. His hair is longer than he remembers it being, and he lifts a hand up, running his fingers through it, pushing it back as it had been in the picture on the bedside table, wondering if that's how he always wears his hair now.

Levi takes a shaky breath and exhales, attempting to calm down but doing a rather shitty job at it. It's hard, when he doesn't recognize the man looking back at him in the mirror.

After a few long, silent minutes, Levi decides to take a shower, shedding his clothes, all while watching himself in the mirror, wondering if he'd be surprised if his reflection decided to up and walk away. Because while it looks like him, it's not him. It's not anyone he recognizes.

The water is hot when he steps into the shower, but Levi doesn't turn the heat down. Instead, he lets his body get used to it, letting the scorching water pound into his neck and back and shoulders, silently hoping that the shock will wake his body - his mind - up. Distantly, he hopes that it'll help him remember, that he'll be woken up from this awful dream. That things will go back to _normal_ , whatever normal may be now.

But it doesn't work. While the water burns and feels good on his muscles and his mind, it doesn't help him remember. And as much as he focuses on Erwin's words - on Erwin's recount of _his_ memories - he can't seem to latch onto anything tangible.  
  
And it's hard. It's hard, because Levi knows that somewhere, the past five years are locked away deep in his mind. That he just has to keep looking and maybe, he'll find them. But it's frustrating, because no matter how hard he looks, no matter how much he scratches and digs at the walls of his mind, he can't find anything. He can't remember anything.

Levi isn't certain when it happens, but one moment, he's closing his eyes, and the next, he's opening them, sitting on the floor of the shower, back pressed up against slick white tiles, knees hugged to his chest, allowing the water to pound over his body. He isn't certain when it starts, but when he squeezes his eyes shut again, he feels tears slide easily and freely out of the corners of his eyes, only to be quickly washed away by the steady stream of water.

He takes a deep breath, buries his head in his arms, and tries - once again - to remember.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, another sad, angsty chapter, but at least Hanji had a cameo, right?!  
> There's also quite a bit more of Erwin and Levi interactions in the next chapter, so get excited! (though it'll probably still be sad, haha)


	4. I'd Do Anything To Make You Feel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _I wanna lie with you until the pain is through for a while._  
>  _I'd do anything to make you feel._  
> [Dogwalk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNjlhgKjLXw) \- Pity Sex
> 
> I'm sorry that all of these chapters are sad, I know I'm a terrible person and it makes me warm inside.  
> BUT I was really anxious to get this chapter up, so enjoy an early update even though it's still sad and shit!

_While it's hot out, the sun beating down on the back of his neck, the wind is cold on his face, as it whips through his hair. The horse underneath him - she's black, lean and slender - moves quickly, with ease, and her hoof beats are loud in Levi's ears. In fact, for a moment, they're the only thing he can hear, save for his own heart hammering in his chest. His eyes fixate on the open space in front of them - the golden rolling hills and tall trees off in the distance - and he almost allows himself to get lost in the scenery. Almost, until someone calls his name._

_"Levi," Erwin's voice is strong, sturdy, commanding, and when Levi glances to his left, where the voice came from, his eyes land on him. Erwin looks different, hair slicked back, windblown, his face hard, chiseled into a serious frown, eyebrows drawn together in concern. "Two fifteen meter class titans to the west. Take your squad that way and stop them before they reach the supply wagons."_

_And while distantly, Levi has no idea what in the world the man next to him is talking about, he feels himself nodding, pulling his horse's reins to the left, diverting his course from the group of riders behind him. Three other people follow closely behind him, all silent, vigilant, but he doesn't pay attention to them. Instead, his eyes scan the horizon, looking for whatever Erwin had been talking about._

_It isn't until Levi and his group crest a hill, horses still traveling at full speed, that he spies them. The titans - giants - that Erwin had been talking about move quick, feet thudding so loudly over the golden grass that distantly, Levi wonders how he hadn't heard them sooner. And distantly, he feels fear, shooting hot and quick from his head, down to his chest, into his stomach and through his fingers. Distantly, he wants to pull his horse to a stop, turn around, and run, but then he's moving, arms working on their own volition, and all he can do is watch as his body works on overdrive, as if he's done this a million times before._

_Somehow, in the midst of everything, he realizes that he's dreaming. That he's felt this before in dreams - the paralyzing fear, but his body keeps moving toward danger - and he tries to relax into it. He tries to relax, and just let it happen, because it's just a dream. Everything will be okay, it's just a dream._

_He hears himself shout an order to a couple of people that he doesn't recognize, and within seconds, they're galloping off to the right, splitting the group in half and catching the attention of one of the monsters. Levi and his other two soldiers, however, keep pressing forward, and within moments, they're closing in on the beast. Within moments, Levi feels himself rising, pulling two blades out of the gear strapped to his sides, standing easily and fluidly on his horse's back. And for a few brief seconds, he rides her like that, knees bent, like a cat, ready to pounce and then-_

_And then, he's soaring off in the air, latching onto the beast's shoulder, swinging around its back and slicing through the flesh on the back of its neck seamlessly, easily. It's all over within a matter of seconds, but every detail is crystal clear to Levi - the deep, thick red of the monster's blood coating his blades before it evaporates, the wind biting at his face as he soars and lands easily on the ground, the tall grass brushing up against his knees._

_For a moment, everything feels incredibly real, vivid._

_And then he hears the thudding, almost in sync with his heartbeat. And then, he's looking up, watching another beast barreling toward him. He doesn't have enough time to prepare himself for another attack so soon, and distantly, Levi feels his body curling in. Distantly, he realizes that he's holding a hand above his face, trying to brace himself for impact. Fear licks hot and white through his chest as he realizes that his might be it, he feels like he's about to die and -_

_And just as he notices that the hand above his head has one too many fingers - he quickly counts six, not five - he also hears a piercing scream. He watches, eyes wide, as someone with long, dark hair, pulled up into a messy ponytail, takes the beast down, just as flawlessly and easily as he did moments ago. And he watches as the titan falls with a loud, thundering thud, on the ground before him._

_And he watches as Hanji lands easily and gracefully before him, wide smile spread across her face._

_"What would you do without me?" She teases lightly, reaching out a hand for him to take._

_And as she hauls him to his feet, everything goes white._

* * *

 

"I had a dream about you last night," Levi says over breakfast in the morning. His words are short, simple, and to the point, and they make Erwin glance up quickly from where he sits across from Levi at the dining room table. He's eating bacon and eggs - fully clothed this time, thank god - while Levi nibbles mindlessly on bagel. If he's being honest, his dream is the only thing he's been able to think about since he woke up this morning. In fact, he'd jolted awake so early from the odd dream, that it had been another ten minutes before he heard the sound of another person padding quietly down the hallway and into the bathroom before turning on the shower, and he's been thinking about it ever since.

It had been strangely vivid and surprisingly lucid, as well. While, during parts of it, Levi was well aware that he was dreaming, it didn't stop his body from moving on its own volition in the dream, as if he knew what he was doing. As if he'd done it a hundred times before. It was odd, because it felt so real, even though it was plainly obvious that it wasn't. Distantly, Levi wonders if it has anything to do with the pain medication that the doctor had given him with the instructions to take before bed because it'll make him drowsy, but at the same time, he can still remember the dream clear as day, even now.

A few silent seconds go by. Erwin glances up at him from his food, eyes wide, curious, before he speaks. "That so?"

Levi nods. "Yeah. It was really weird - vivid, too. The neighbor was there..." He waves his hand in the air, having forgotten her name even though he'd _known_ it, clear as day in his dream.

"Hanji," Erwin offers.

"Yeah," Levi repeats, "She was there."

It's quiet again for a few moments, and Levi takes another bite of his bagel, watching Erwin's face for a reaction. Watching him for _anything_ , really. Because while it had just been a weird dream, and while it was probably nothing to worry about, it _had_ been incredibly vivid. And maybe if the other man thinks something might be wrong with him, he should get it checked out. _Maybe_.

"Maybe it's your subconscious?" Erwin offers, shrugging, trying his best to seem indifferent, at ease, "Trying to help you remember?"

Levi sighs, shrugging in return. "I don't know," He mutters, "Unless there's some point in my life where I was riding horses and fighting giants, I doubt this is my subconscious telling me _anything_."

Erwin raises his eyebrows, " _Giants_?"

Levi lets out a chuckle at that. It _does_ sound pretty ridiculous. "Yeah," He huffs, "You called them something else in my dream, but I can't remember it now."

"Huh," Erwin returns, voice soft, thoughtful, "I don't recall having dealt with giants."

"Who knows," Levi offers, small smile spreading across his face as he speaks, "Maybe you're losing your memory now, too."

To his surprise, Erwin actually cracks a smile at that, letting out a small, surprised laugh. "Yeah," He mutters, even as he shakes his head, as if he can't believe what Levi just said, "Maybe."

And for a moment, Levi sees _why_. He sees the way that Erwin's eyes crinkle just slightly when he smiles, the way it effects his entire face - his entire body language - not just his mouth, and for a moment, he gets it. For a moment, it's as if he remembers why he's with this guy - this _stranger_ that he feels like he just met only a little over a week ago, now.

And then the moment is gone. Erwin's smile is fading, and Levi feels his own face drop as well, and they're right back where they were, quiet and awkward and dancing around one another.

* * *

 

Erwin leaves for work shortly after his conversation with Levi about his dream that morning, and all throughout the drive to work - all throughout his first and second classes of the day - all he can think about his that conversation. Specifically, the _end_ of the conversation - the way that he'd looked up and caught Levi, for just the briefest of moments, watching him, small, fond smile spread across his face. 

He can't stop thinking about how, maybe, somehow, Levi might remember. That maybe, the weird dream he'd been talking about had been his brain's way of trying to connect the pieces, to distinguish reality from dream. He doesn't know much, or anything, about memory loss - though he's been reading about it online almost every chance that he gets - so he tries not to read too much into it, but it's hard.

It's hard, looking at that soft smile gracing Levi's face, _knowing_ that he'd felt the connection between them, even for the briefest of seconds, but that he didn't _remember_ it. It's hard, so for the majority of the day, Erwin keeps to himself. His co-workers keep asking about Levi whenever they see him, giving him these sad, awful smiles, and the last thing he needs is to talk to someone else who doesn't really even _know_ him. However, he can't evade _everyone_.

"How is he?" Mike asks, the first chance that he gets to be alone with Erwin, which happens to be during lunch that afternoon. Erwin spends the majority of the day that he isn't working sitting alone in his classroom, trying to think of ways to talk to Levi, things they could do to try and help jog his memory - even to form new memories. And while he'd rather be alone for the day, he figured that Mike, his best friend for the better half of the past decade, would be able to seek him out pretty easily. Of all people to find him - of _all_ people to ask - he’d prefer it to be Mike. Mike knows Levi. He’s friends with Levi. So that's how Erwin finds himself sitting at his desk, across from Mike that afternoon, trying to come up with a decent answer to his question.

Because Levi is good. In fact, he's more than good, he's doing great. He hasn't had any headaches, he seems to be healing as quickly as possible and he's all but back to his old self, save for the fact that he still doesn't remember. And when Erwin doesn't answer right away - he opens his mouth to answer, but nothing comes out because he can't think of the right thing to say - Mike speaks again.

"I'm sorry," He murmurs, understanding, "That's a stupid question-"

"No, it's alright," Erwin interrupts, clearing his throat, "He's good. He's uh... He's doing really well, actually."

"Yeah?" Mike asks, shooting him a small, hopeful smile.

"Yeah," Erwin echoes, "Right now, it’s the best case scenario. He'll be going back for a check-up next week, but so far things seem okay."

Mike hums, nods. "And how are you?"

"I'm good," Erwin answers, shooting Mike a tight smile in return, "It's difficult, but I'm good."

It's quiet for a moment, Mike either taking in Erwin's words or trying to figure out how to word the next thing that he wants to say, before he's speaking again. "He hasn't remembered anything?" He asks at last, voice gentle.

"No," Erwin answers immediately, shaking his head, "No, he hasn't. He said that he had a weird dream last night, and I was in it, but it doesn't seem to have anything to do with _this_. It's probably just his pain meds." Mike hums, nodding, and Erwin goes on, "I've been trying to come up with small things to do to help him, but I don't want to push too hard. The last thing I need is to scare him away..."

Mike nods again, slow and easy, agreeing with Erwin. "As much as I hate to say it," He mutters, "I think that's the best you can do right now."

Erwin sighs. "I know."

"He'll come to you," Mike assures in return, sensing Erwin's deflated mood, "He always does. You just have to give him time."

"How can you be so certain?" Erwin asks, looking up from where his gaze had been fixated on his hands. His eyes meet Mike's, searching for an answer.

"Because it's _Levi_ ," Mike replies, smiling as if it's a no-brainer, "Regardless of if he remembers you or not, I think he'll always come back to you. You've just got to wait it out."

And while Erwin doesn't completely understand Mike's words, they're comforting. He nods, shooting his friend a small, somber smile. "I don't plan on going anywhere."

* * *

 

And Mike's right. He always has been, whenever Erwin's gone to him for advice or guidance. The man is only a couple of years older than him, but he's always seemed to have miles and years of knowledge and wisdom on Erwin. So while it's hard - while it's a lot to take in - Erwin is determined to follow Mike's advice. He can't push Levi too much. He's got to wait for him to come around. Because regardless of if he ever remembers or not, Erwin hopes that Mike is right. 

What Erwin _doesn't_ expect, however, is for Levi to come to him so soon.

Granted, it's not much, and it's not necessarily what he expected, but Erwin know that Levi _has_ to trust him at least a _little_ bit when he asks the question that he asks that evening over dinner, the television on in the living room as background noise. I definitely catches him by surprise, to say the least.

"I want to visit my parents," Levi says suddenly, about halfway through dinner. The words resonate through the dining room - through Erwin's mind - and for a moment, he's stunned. He's _stunned_ , because he hadn't expected that from Levi. Not now, not so soon.

Hell, Levi rarely visits his parents’ graves. In fact - if Erwin remembers correctly - Levi has only gone three times since they died, and one of them, he left Erwin at home, insisting that it was something he had to do on his own. So it's a surprise when Levi brings the subject up that night, because Erwin knows that in _his_ eyes, he's still a stranger. And why would Levi want a _stranger_ to go with him? Hell, he had a hard enough time taking Erwin with even _before_ all of this...

It comes as a shock, because to Erwin, it shows that Levi trusts him, even if he still doesn't remember him.

"Levi I-" Erwin starts, unsure of what to say. Because while he wants to say yes - _of course_ he wants to say yes - he also doesn't want to push him too far. He doesn't want to ask too much of him, and he hopes that this sudden request isn't just Levi's way of showing that he's trying, too. He doesn't have the chance to get any other words out, however, because suddenly, Levi is speaking again.

"I know they're dead," He bites, voice anxious. His hands fidget on the table, pulling nervously at his napkin, "I lost my long term memory, not short term. I just - I want to go, you know?"

Erwin's eyes widen, then soften almost as quickly. "Yeah," He murmurs on a soft exhale, "Yeah, I know."

"So can we go?" Levi asks, voice still edged with anxiety, "I'd like to."

"Yeah," Erwin repeats, "Yeah, we can do that. Just - are you sure you want me to come?"

And for a moment, it's silent. Levi regards him from the other end of the table, eyes scanning, watching, learning. And after a long beat of silence, he's nodding. "Yeah," He murmurs, voice deflated. In an instant, the anxiety is gone, replaced by a soft, somber tone, "It would be good to have someone there with me, you know?"

Erwin nods at once. "Okay. _Okay,_ yeah," He murmurs, "We can go this weekend."

Levi offers him a soft, genuine smile in return, as well as a quiet, meaningful, " _Thank you_."

* * *

 

Saturday arrives pretty quickly, and Erwin thinks that it's partially due to the fact that he's sort of dreading it. It's not that he doesn't _want_ to take Levi to the cemetery - it's something that he needs to do in order to move on keep going - but deep down, Erwin just doesn't want to have to put him through the pain of it again. If he knows Levi, he knows how he'll react, and if it's anything like the first time they went to visit his parents - after the funeral, of course - it won't be pretty. 

Levi's always been one to get mad - particularly at himself - rather than upset. Rather than crying or letting his true emotions show, Levi will get frustrated and angry. The first time they'd visited the cemetery, Levi had punched the granite on his mother's tombstone, successfully fracturing two of his knuckles in the process.

In fact, if Erwin really thinks about it, it's very few and far between that he's really ever seen Levi show exactly how he's feeling, especially when it comes to grief or sadness. Erwin always _knows_ , which is why they're good for eachother, but Levi rarely shows it.

So yeah, Erwin's not necessarily looking forward to Saturday. He's not looking forward to watching the look on Levi's face when he finally lays eyes on his parents' graves - when he finally realizes how _real_ it is. And he's not looking forward to watching the way that Levi reacts. He's not looking forward to the fact that he won't be able to do anything about it. He won't be able to hold him or kiss him or tell him that it'll be okay, even if Levi wouldn't believe him anyway. He won't be able to pick him up of the ground and hold him in his arms, letting him punch or yell out his anger and frustration and grief.

Because he needs to give Levi his space. Even with this, he needs to give Levi his space.

So by the time that Saturday morning rolls around, Erwin is anxious and nervous. Maybe, he thinks, as nervous as Levi must be. _Maybe._

It's a long drive to the cemetery - a little over an hour - and it's softly snowing by the time they leave the house, so Erwin expects the drive to take even longer. And for the most part, as he expected, it's quiet in the car as they drive. Levi sits in the passenger seat, crossing and uncrossing his arms, picking at a loose strand on his jacket, looking anxiously out the window. Erwin can practically _feel_ his nerves, and he wants nothing more than to reach across the center console of the car and grab his hand - to steady him or calm him down or let him know that _he's there_ or something - but he can't. He can't and it _kills_ him, because he knows what Levi is going through right now because he's gone through it before.

But still, he gives him his space. If he needs Erwin - if he _really_ needs him - he'll let him know. Levi is stubborn, but he's not _that_ stubborn.

It's a little before noon by the time they finally pull into the cemetery gates, and Erwin takes a deep breath, knuckles white on the steering wheel. He glances to his left, and watches Levi as he stares out the window, eyes empty and somber.

It isn't until Erwin finally pulls the car into park, killing the engine, that he finally speaks. It's soft, as gentle as he can make it, because the last thing he wants is to make this any harder than it already is for Levi.

"This is it."

For a few moments, Levi doesn't budge. He doesn't turn to look at Erwin when he speaks, and he doesn't move his hands from where they rest on his knees. For a few moments, time stands still. Then, Levi takes a deep breath before nodding, short and shallow. "I'm ready."

And at Levi's words, Erwin is moving. He's moving, because Levi still isn't, and even though he wants to give him space, he also knows when to give him a push, even if just a little one.

Erwin unbuckles his seatbelt, opens his door and climbs out of the car. He glances up at the pale gray sky as he stands - at the snowflakes, gently falling to the ground - and takes a deep breath. Without thinking about it, Erwin quickly crosses around the car, reaching forward to open Levi's door for him.

And when Levi looks up at him, he offers a hand. And to his surprise, the other man takes it, standing slowly and straightening himself out.

While the walk to the grave isn't long, it feels like it takes hours, the cold winter air biting easily through Erwin's coat. He hugs his arms around himself, watching his breath rise in the air, then glances down at Levi. The other man looks calm and collected, eyes fixated ahead, but Erwin knows that inside, he's anything but. If this time is anything like the first, he's screaming inside, on the verge of sprinting back to the car.

Distantly, Erwin wishes that he could reach out and grab Levi's hand, just a small reassurance that _he's there_ , that he doesn't have to go through this alone, but he doesn't. He can't, and it _kills_ him.

"Here," Erwin says softly, slowing to a stop as they near two matching black granite headstones. He hangs back, allowing Levi to do things on his own time. Allowing him to step forward on his own accord, looking down at the two headstones.

While he's too far away to read the words inscribed on them - Levi is a good two yards ahead of him now, hands in his pockets, looking down at them - Erwin vividly remembers what they say. _"Loving mother, wife and sister,"_ Reads the one on the right, Erwin recalls. He remembers how Levi had gotten mad about it when he'd first seen the text. How he'd slammed his fist against the hard stone again and again, because _his mom should be remembered for a whole hell of a lot more than that._

He finds himself wondering, as he watches Levi from a safe distance, if those thoughts are running through his head again.

And then it all seems to happen within seconds. All of Erwin's self-control, all of the advice he'd been taking from his friends and family goes right out the window within a matter of seconds, because, even from far away, he can see when Levi brings a trembling hand up to his face, covering his mouth. Because, even from where he stands, he can see the exact moment when Levi's body begins to cave forward, and he watches - heart lurching - as Levi slumps to his knees in the grass in front of the headstones.

All of Erwin's reservations and worries - _don't get too close to him, don't push him too far, don't force anything -_ go right out the window, because he can't just _watch_ Levi crumble like this. He fucking _can't_ , and within seconds, Erwin is striding to his side, kneeling easily next to him, mouth open and ready to give him any kind of comforting words - anything that will make this easier - but he doesn't get the chance to speak. No, the words never leave his mouth, because almost immediately after he finds himself kneeling at Levi's side, the smaller man is falling into him, burying his face in his jacket, fingers gripping shakily at any fabric that he can reach.

Levi is shaking and Erwin quickly realizes that - while Levi probably feels the same way he did four years ago - this isn't the same. It's not the same, because instead of yelling, smashing his fist angrily into granite, Levi is choking out sobs and struggling to suck in heaving gasps of air and clutching onto Erwin like his life depends on it.

And while a voice in the back of his head tells Erwin to give him his space - Levi is grieving and he needs to deal with it without him trying to _force_ anything between them - he's holding onto Erwin like he's terrified that he'll disappear, too, and Erwin can't prove him right. So Erwin holds him. He pulls Levi closer, hands soft and gentle on his back, body warm against Levi's compared to the freezing winter air.

He holds him, but in the back of his mind, Erwin wishes that he could do more. He wants to be able to do more than this for him. He wants nothing more than to haul Levi up, to wipe his tears away with his thumbs and kiss him and tell him that everything will be alright, but he can't.

So instead, Erwin holds onto Levi, shushing him gently, hands rubbing softly over his back. He holds Levi until he calms, until the other man eventually pulls away, wiping at his eyes with the sleeves of his hoodie.

And surprisingly, Levi is the first one to speak. "I fucking hate crying," He mutters, eyes fixated on the ground.

Erwin nods, even though Levi isn’t looking at him. Absentmindedly, he reaches forward to take his hands, but stops himself halfway there. "I know," He manages to reply instead, forcing his hands to stay put at his side.

Levi shakes his head back and forth, as if he's disappointed in himself, "God, I feel like such an asshole."

Erwin's response is immediate. " _Don't_."

"I didn't even bring flowers," He mutters in return, disappointment and self-hatred dripping from his voice

"You have before," Erwin offers, in hopes of making him feel better about it. And thankfully, the words seem to hit Levi hard. He looks up at Erwin for the first time since falling into his arms, eyes red from crying. And when he speaks again, his voice is thick, laced with emotion.

"Thank you," He murmurs, "For being here."

"Of course," Erwin replies immediately.

He doesn't tell Levi that he'd do it every single day for the rest of his life if he asked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow would you look at that another sad chapter. I'm sorry, I really am guys. If it makes up for it, I'll give you a little hint about chapter 5:
> 
> Erwin and Levi go on a second first date.


	5. I Don't Know Your Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _I don’t know your heart_  
>  _But I wanna know_  
>  _And I don’t know your love_  
>  _But I need it most_  
>  \- [A Love Song](http://www.americansongwriter.com/2012/10/daily-discovery-zach-maberry-a-love-song/) \- Zach Maberry (I know it's an odd site, but I couldn't find this song on youtube and you need to listen to it because oh my god, this song is fucking amazing)
> 
> This was probably one of my favorite chapters to write, so I hope you all like it as much as I do!  
> Also, I want to thank everyone who has read, commented, given kudos or shared this. You're all amazing!

_"Wait, Levi," The sudden voice comes as a shock, and though - by habit - Levi wants to turn at the request, he keeps walking forward, toward the tree line, face set in a hard scowl. When he doesn't respond or stop walking, he hears the sound of someone jogging to catch up with him._

_Suddenly, fingers are wrapping around his wrist. He tries to pull his arm away, but the grip is tight and at last, Levi sighs. He turns._

_"What do you want?" He bits, eyes narrowing as he looks up at Erwin. His hair is mussed, eyes wide, worried. There's blood staining his shirt, thick and dark, and for a second, Levi wonders whose it is. His eyes scan Erwin's body for a wound, and he tries to hide the exhale when he doesn't see one._

_"You can't just walk away like this," Erwin insists, "We need to come up with a plan."_

_Levi scoffs, even rolling his eyes. "A plan," He echoes, "And what would the plan be? As far as we know, the entire squad is dead. We're alone in the middle of the forest with no food, no supplies, no horses, and my fucking gear is broken. Tell me, what great plan are you going to come up with, Commander?"_

_"Levi-"_

_"We'll get more done if we keep moving, rather than sitting here waiting to be eaten," Levi bites, and at that, he turns, pulling away from Erwin's grip, and keeps walking._

_The taller man matches his pace, staying by his side, and for a moment, neither of them speaks. Levi isn't certain how they got in this situation - as hard as he tries to remember, he keeps drawing a blank - but he knows that he's hungry, his leg hurts and it's slowly starting to get dark. They don't have any supplies and they're in danger and all they can do is walk._

_And he can't help the heavy feeling of guilt in his chest that it's somehow his fault._

_Still, he doesn't have much time to think about it because, as if on cue - because things couldn't get any worse, right? - Levi's ears pick up the tell-tale sound of loud, thudding footsteps, slowly and surely getting louder. He freezes, looking up at Erwin, and then, without a second thought, he's running._

_And it’s a funny thing, running in a dream. Levi feels like he's going nowhere, the thudding getting louder, his lungs and legs burning from the exertion, yet still, he keeps running._

_"Levi," Erwin yells from his side, "We won't be able to outrun it."_

_"Then what do you want to do?" Levi shouts back, turning his attention to Erwin. And that's when he makes his mistake. His foot manages to find a hole in the ground, just as he looks up, and before he has a chance to catch himself, Levi's ankle is twisting at an ugly angle, sending a sharp pain shooting up his leg and sending him to the ground._

_And still, the thudding gets louder._

_Levi opens his eyes wide, staring into Erwin's blue ones. And he tries to say something, he really does, but nothing comes out. His throat is thick, body still from the shock of the fall - his ankle is more than likely sprained badly, if not broken - and he can't speak, can't say anything, and still, the titan is getting closer._

_He closes his eyes, prepared to accept his fate - prepared for Erwin to leave him in favor for saving himself - but then he doesn't. Then, Levi feels an arm sliding quickly under his thighs, and he hears Erwin mutter "hang on" and then he's throwing his arms around the other man's neck, closing his eyes as he feels them lift off the ground._

_When he opens them again, he's standing next to Erwin on a high branch in a tree, leaning against his body so as not to put any weight on his left leg. The titan has reached them, but it's a small one and only manages to stupidly paw at the bottom of the large tree, vacant eyes staring up at them. Erwin helps Levi lower himself into a sitting position, and then, without warning, he's pressing their lips together, quick and soft. It only lasts a few seconds, but it's enough to make Levi's heart lurch. It's enough to make him reach forward, gripping onto Erwin's coat for some kind of stability as he kisses back._

_And when they pull apart, breathless and alive, Levi presses his forehead into Erwin's chest._

_"Thank you," He murmurs softly, almost too quiet to be heard, but he knows that Erwin catches it._

* * *

 

Levi starts experiencing headaches on his seventh day out of the hospital, and they continue through days eight, nine and ten as well. They're not terrible - definitely not awful, searing migraines, thankfully - but it's enough that it's annoying. It's enough that Levi mentions it to Erwin over breakfast on the morning of the third day in a row. 

"How long has it been going on?" Erwin asks, eyes concerned over the table. There's food on Levi's plate, but he hasn't touched it. The headache seems to take his appetite away, and Levi knows - when Erwin's eyes scan the table before looking up at him worriedly - that the other man notices.

"A few days," Levi answers honestly, "Started the same day I ran out of pain meds, I think."

He doesn't mention that he's been having the reoccurring dreams - the ones with Erwin and their neighbor and the ugly-ass giants - since the headaches started, too. For some reason, Levi decides to keep that part to himself.

"We should get it checked out," Erwin says, concerned, "Just in case."

Levi shakes his head at that, then immediately regrets it, squeezing his eyes shut when the room spins. "I'm fine," He insists, even as he presses to fingers into the bridge of his nose, "They said that I'd probably experience minor headaches. This is normal."

Erwin sighs at that, expression defeated because he knows that Levi is right. Still, he can't help but worry, and Levi doesn't blame him. "Fine," He murmurs, "But if they continue into next week, you need to tell them when you go in."

Levi nods in agreement and after breakfast, Erwin brings him some ibuprofen to help with the pain.

* * *

 

"I'll be back a little bit earlier than usual today," Erwin calls, as he gets ready to head out the door for work later that morning. Levi had still been in the kitchen, trying to get some food in his stomach when he had gone upstairs to change, so he makes sure that his words carry as he walks back down the stairs. What he doesn't expect, however, is to see Levi standing just around the corner at the bottom of them, as if he's waiting for him. He crosses his arms, then uncrosses them, fidgeting. It's a nervous tick, and Erwin knows it well. He cocks his head, concerned. "Are you alright?" 

Levi sighs, "Yeah, I'm fine, I just - I feel like I'm going crazy in this house. I need something to do."

And while distantly, a voice in the back of Erwin's head tells him to say something else - _tell him that he should try going back to work, that Hanji isn't doing anything if he wants to go to her house -_ he can't help the words that come out of his mouth. After all, looking down at Levi in the morning like this, it's sometimes easy to forget that things aren't how they used to be.

"We could go out tonight," He offers, and almost immediately after the words leave his mouth, he regrets them. _Don't push him too far_ , the voice in the back of his head says, _you'll push him away._ "For dinner or something, if you want," He adds, shrugging, attempting to feign indifference.

What he doesn't expect, however, is Levi's answer. The smaller man shrugs, offering him a smile before replying with a soft, "Sure."

"Really?" Erwin asks before he can register how _stupid_ the question sounds. Levi seems to catch it, too, by the small smirk that finds itself on his face at that.

"Yeah, _really_ ," He replies, tone half-teasing, "I need to get out."

And Erwin nods at that, movement jerky. He takes a few steps forward to grab his coat off the hook by the front door, throwing it on all while not making eye contact with Levi. If he's being honest, he feels like a teenager who just asked their crush out for the first time, and he'd rather Levi _not_ see the small blush he feels creeping up his neck and cheeks. Because even if Levi doesn't _remember_ , he's Levi, and he'll definitely give him shit about it.

"Okay, yeah," Erwin manages to mutter as he opens the front door, only sparing Levi a small, parting glance as he readies himself to leave, "I should be back around two, we can leave whenever you're ready."

"Alright," Levi mutters in return, actually taking a few steps forward as if to see him out the door, "See you later."

And at that, Erwin is closing the door, heading out into the cold. He doesn't even try to hide the smile on his face as he makes his way to the car, because he'll be damned if he's not excited. And he'd be lying if said that it wasn't _good_ that Levi had agreed to go out, that he hadn't been hoping for something like this.

No, Erwin can't help the smile on his face as he drives to work, already excited to get home because maybe _just maybe_ , this will help things. If nothing else, he and Levi can begin to make _new_ memories…

* * *

 

For the majority of the day, Levi tries to keep himself - tries to keep his _mind_ \- busy. While his headache subsides shortly after Erwin leaves for work, it doesn't stop the thoughts and worries swarming around in his head. 

Had he made the right decision in agreeing to go out? Would it be too much? Would Erwin take it the wrong way?

Distantly, Levi knows that they have a connection. While it feels like someone has lived the past five years of his life for him, he's with Erwin for a reason, he's just got to remember what that reason is. He _does_ know, however, that they have a connection. He's felt it a few times since he got out of the hospital - since he came _home_ \- and he knows that Erwin has noticed, too. Distantly, he acknowledges that connection. He knows it's there and he stores it away in his mind to remind himself when he worries that he made the wrong choice - that maybe he should have gone to stay with his aunt or Farlan and Isabel - to keep himself sane.

In the back of his mind, he knows that there's a reason why he and Erwin are together. It's there, buried under memories that he just can't seem to reach, and distantly, he hopes that maybe, getting out of the cramped house will help. That maybe, something _new_ can jog his memory.

Because it's not _just_ about Erwin. It's about the last five years of his life. It's about being able to remember the last conversation he had with his parents - had it been a good one? Did they argue? - and it's about being able to pick up where he left off.

And he knows he left off with Erwin. Erwin was in his life _before_ the accident, and he needs him in his life now. Because, even if it sometimes feels like he's living in an unfamiliar place with a stranger, _this is his life now_.

So he hopes that by letting Erwin in a little - by going out with him - maybe it'll help jog his memory. Right?

And that's why he spends the majority of the afternoon pacing around the house, trying to busy himself so he doesn't worry and stress out too much. That's why he ends up taking a shower just after eleven - long before Erwin is due to get back - to clear his mind.

And as the water washes over his face, Levi closes his eyes and tries - not for the first time since getting out of the hospital - to remember. He tries to remember any small, insignificant detail, anything that might be able to anchor him back to his old life. He tries, but as much as he does, as hard as he squeezes his eyes shut, he doesn't see anything. One moment, he's going to bed in his apartment in the city, alone and cold, and the next, he's waking up in a hospital bed. Alone and cold.

He shakes his head, opening his eyes in frustration. It always seems to end the same way, when he tries to remember. It always seems to end with Levi frustrated and angry, wishing that he had just something - _anything_ \- to hold onto. Instead, all he has are photos of himself that he doesn't remember being taken, clothes he doesn't remember buying, and a house he doesn't remember making into a home. All he has is this caring, patient, _good looking_ man waiting for him to remember and he _can't._

It sort of kills him every time he looks into Erwin's sad blue eyes, because the other man knows it, too. Erwin knows that he doesn't remember, and that's one of the worst parts about this whole thing. Because Levi is good at reading people, and when he looks at Erwin, he sees someone who would do _anything_ to help him, even if it meant sacrificing himself. When he looks at Erwin, he knows that he would do whatever it took to help Levi remember, even if it meant giving up his own memories of their supposed life together. And that's the worst part.

The worst part is how Erwin had held him back at the graveyard a few days ago. How he'd managed to hold it together for the both of them. The worst part is how simple it felt for Levi, holding onto Erwin for comfort - like he belonged there - even though he couldn't remember anything, and then how complicated it felt as soon as he pulled away.

And they still haven't talked about that - about what happened at the cemetery. Levi knows that it's because Erwin wants to give him his space, but silently, Levi wishes they would discuss it. Silently, he wishes he could remember how Erwin would normally act in such a situation.

Levi opens his eyes again just as he finishes rinsing the shampoo out of his hair, standing in the hot stream of water, frustrated. _Frustrated_ because it's unfair that he can remember his stupid reoccurring dreams more that he can remember his own _life._

When he closes his eyes, he can see Erwin in those dreams - can feel the electricity between them when their eyes meet - and it's odd, because he feels closer to Erwin in his dreams than he does in real life. Hell, maybe it _is_ his subconscious. Maybe it's his brain's fucked up way of trying to get him to remember his life...

He shakes his head at that, turning off the water and stepping out of the shower.

* * *

 

By the time Erwin gets home from work - just slightly after two, as promised - Levi has changed his clothes twice and is sitting in the living room, half paying attention to the television, half zoning out as he drowns in his own thoughts. It isn't until he hears the front door open that he sits up, snapping to attention, 

Cool winter air blows in through the open door as Erwin steps inside the house, slamming the door shut behind himself. It's snowing - not too hard, though - and little white flakes stick to Erwin's coat and hair, melting almost immediately as they come in contact with the warm air of the kitchen.

"I've just got to change," Erwin calls in greeting, glancing at Levi as he pulls his coat off, "And then we can leave whenever you like. Are you hungry?"

"Yeah," Levi replies from where he sits in the living room, watching Erwin's movements, distantly hoping that one of them will jog some awful, domesticated memory. "I'm ready whenever."

Erwin looks at him at that - _really looks_ \- before offering him a small smile. "Alright," He nods, "I'll get ready."

The sun hasn't even started setting by the time the two of them are stepping out of the front door of the house and into the cold later, and that's saying a lot, considering the stupid early sunsets in the winter. Despite the fact that his birthday falls on Christmas, Levi _hates_ winter. He hates the cold and the short days and early sunsets and the way that it seems like it's always dull and dim out, no matter how the weather is in the winter. Distantly, he curses himself for waking up during such a shitty season. Why couldn’t it have been spring? Or fall? Fall is nice…

On the drive into town - it takes a little while, due to the snow and Erwin's over-careful driving - Erwin rattles off restaurants nearby, allowing Levi to take his pick. And while Levi doesn't know any of them, he chooses the first one that Erwin names, which ends up being a small, cozy little local diner. It's nothing special, but thankfully Levi likes it that way. It would have felt odd, sitting in an uncomfortable upscale place with Erwin, as if it were a date.

_It's not a date_ , right? Even if it was, would Levi have a problem with it? He glances toward Erwin as he pulls the car to a stop, thinking that maybe, he wouldn’t mind it. Maybe, it would be nice.

Levi pays special attention to the way that Erwin acts as the head into the diner, how he holds the door open for him, but not in an overly polite manner, it's in an easy, natural way, like he's used to doing it. The place isn't very busy - it's fairly early on a Wednesday evening, after all - and it only takes a few moments before they're sitting at a small booth, situated in the middle of the restaurant. Levi glances around as he sits, taking in their surroundings.

"Have we been here before?" He asks out of curiosity. Because hey, anything helps, right?

Erwin nods, watching Levi as his eyes scan the room. "Yeah, a few times. You like it better than the other places in town."

"Too fancy?" Levi asks glancing at Erwin. His question earns him a smile from the other man, as well as a nod.

"I made the mistake of taking you to a nice place for our first date," He confides, surprising both himself _and_ Levi with his words. He never really talks about _them_ , about their relationship, unless prompted. It's not unwelcome, though. The smile on Erwin's face widens a little as he keeps talking, "You kept bitching about it the entire date. I figured I blew it."

Levi offers a smile in response. "Sounds about right." And when it's quiet between the two of them for a moment, he speaks up again, asking, "What happened?"

Erwin is quiet for a moment, watching him, silently making sure that it's not too much - that he's not pushing him too far with this - before replying. "I took you home afterward, even walked you do your door and everything," He recounts, remembering the date as if it were yesterday. He wishes that he could share the memory with Levi, but telling him about it will have to do. "When I went to leave, you laughed at me and said something along the lines of _'so are you not interested, or you just too big of a pussy to kiss me?'_ "

Levi snorts out a laugh at that, "Apparently I was feeling ballsy?"

"Apparently," Erwin agrees, smiling.

The waiter interrupts for a moment, taking their orders as Erwin’s words hang in the air, but as soon as he's gone, Levi is speaking again, pushing the boundaries, just a little. Because _hell_ , he's been cooped up in that house and it feels good to get out and _for once_ , his conversation with Erwin doesn't feel forced or awkward. For once, it feels easy. Comfortable. Natural.

"So then what?" He asks, taking a sip of water, "You didn't just walk away, did you?"

Erwin chuckles. "No, I uh - I didn't. But I didn't really know what to say. After that, you kind of just marched up to me and kissed me."

Levi smiles at that - at the fond smile on Erwin's face - and, not for the first time, he wishes that he could remember what the other man is talking about. He wishes he could remember that night, no matter how god-awful it sounds. Silently, he wonders if he had been nervous, or if things had just come natural for them. He wonders what that first kiss felt like, if it was awkward and poorly planned, or if Erwin had just _gone with it_. He wishes he could remember, but he can't, and because of that, he suddenly - desperately - wants to change the subject.

Levi opens his mouth to speak, however he doesn't get the chance because suddenly, someone is calling his name.

"Levi!" The girl’s voice is bright, soft, happy, and it comes from behind him, just over his shoulder. Levi's head shoots up at the sound of his name on a voice that he doesn't recognize, and for a brief moment, his eyes lock with Erwin's wide ones. For a moment, everything seems to stand still.

And then suddenly, it's moving all too fast.

Suddenly, there's a petite little redhead woman standing next to their table, with two men accompanying her, trailing behind. Suddenly, she's talking excitedly, eyes lighting up, wide smile spread across her face and she’s reaching forward, touching Levi’s shoulder gently as she speaks. And while she seems nice and friendly, and she's got a soft demeanor - she's a cute little thing, maybe in her early-twenties, vibrant and happy - Levi doesn't recognize her. He flinches when she touches him.

Suddenly, the girl in front of him - and now one of the guys, too - is talking rather quickly, as if she's known him for ages, and he can't even recall her _name_. He doesn't remember her and he doesn't remember the two men with her, and suddenly, everything is too much. It's too much, too fast, because he's been cooped up in the house for over a week now, and Erwin and Hanji were already quite a lot to handle but now there's a bubbly little redhead and her friends are talking to him and he can't remember where he knows them from or what their names are. And suddenly, their words all start to mingle together -

_"How are you holding up? Well all miss you - everyone is asking about you - when will you be back? Erwin hasn't returned any of our calls and -"_

_-_ and suddenly, it's all too much to handle. Levi feels his body tense up and he can't help the way that he closes his eyes, trying to drown out the sound.

And then suddenly, the only thing he hears is the sound of a chair being pushed back rather roughly, wood scraping against the floor. Suddenly, the voices stop, only to replaced by one calm, hushed and most importantly, _familiar_ one. He doesn't hear anything that Erwin says - he's talking quietly to the girl but right now everything is _too loud, too much_ in Levi's head - but he does hear a soft, disappointed, " _Oh, okay..._ " before eventually, the sound of footsteps. And then silence.

For a moment, Levi stays still in place. He hadn't noticed it before, but he registers that his hands are gripping onto the edges of their table roughly, hard enough to turn his knuckles white, and after a long moment and a few deep breaths, he manages to release his vice-like grip on the wood and open his eyes.

And thankfully, when he looks up, it's just Erwin sitting in front of him, eyes concerned, but not overwhelmingly so. Thankfully, the woman and the two men are long gone, and it's just the two of them now, and suddenly, he's very, _very_ grateful for Erwin. He's grateful that the man across from him is as patient and kind as he is. Because Levi has no idea how he'd be able to deal with this if the tables were turned.

After another couple deep breaths, Levi manages to speak.

"Who were they?"

"Levi-" Erwin's voice is tinged with concern. He obviously doesn't want to push him too far, but Levi figures that he needs to know. He needs to try to get back in the swing of things. Just not all at once. Not with three people talking at him, asking him questions, expecting him to answer as if he _remembers._

"I didn't remember them," He says calmly, cutting Erwin off before he can say anything else, "So who were they?"

And while Erwin shoots him a worried look, he answers. And Levi slowly begins to realize, with a sharp stab to his gut, that he might just be Erwin's weak point. "The girl was Petra, the one with the dark hair was Gunther, and the other one was Oluo. They work at the gallery with you."

Levi swallows, nods. "Have they really been trying to get a hold of us?"

"Yes," Erwin answers honestly, "But I figured it should wait, for the exact reason that you just witnessed."

And somehow, Levi manages to choke out a small laugh at that, looking up at Erwin. "Thank you."

"Of course," Erwin replies softly, easily. As if it's the most simple thing in the world. It's not, though. None of this is. Levi isn't certain how Erwin does it - how he's managed to deal with all of _this_ so far. He can't even fathom how the man has been able to handle it and stay strong, not only for himself but for the both of them. And somehow, he does it as if it's easy.

Suddenly, it all hits Levi.

" _Jesus_ ," He mutters quietly, "You really fucking love me, don't you?"

If the question catches Erwin off guard, he doesn't show it save for a small, surprised laugh before answering with a soft, "Yeah. A little."

And before he can think about it, Levi is muttering out " _Why?_ "

"Levi-" Erwin starts, tone worried, eyes unreadable. He opens his mouth to say something, but just as he does so, the waiter appears at their table again with their food. It only takes a few moments for him to leave again, but it feels like centuries as Levi watches Erwin from across the table. The other man looks worried, as he has ever since they left the hospital, and Levi knows that it's because he's scared to push him too far - scared that he'll push him away - but he also knows that he's tough. That if he ever wants to remember, Erwin is going to have to speak what's on his mind.

So immediately after the waiter leaves them alone again, Levi is speaking, cutting Erwin off before he even has the chance to finish his thought. "It's alright," He assures, voice quick, certain, "I can handle _this_."

"But-"

"Just not _them_ ," Levi adds, waving his hand in the direction that his supposed co-workers had disappeared off into. "Go on."

And Erwin sighs. With the breath, his body seems to deflate a little, his rigid shoulders relax and his fingers un-flex on the table. He nods once. "I think that _maybe_ , it's because - in a lot of ways - you're everything I'm not. If that makes sense," Erwin starts, and though he's listening to Levi - though he's _telling_ him what he feels - he still keeps his tone soft, careful. He talks slowly, as if he'll scare Levi away if he says too much too fast, and he watches him, just to be sure that he hasn't said too much.

"You're blunt and forward and not afraid to say what's on your mind," Erwin explains, "You see the world differently than I do and you challenge the way I think."

"And I'm short and you're a fucking giant," Levi offers, small smirk spreading across his face. The words are enough to earn a little smile from Erwin, as well. They help him relax.

"And vulgar," Erwin offers, shooting Levi a look from across the table. Just as fast as the smile appears on his face, though, it fades. He glances down at his hands, choosing his next words carefully before speaking, and when he does, it's much softer than he had been before.

"I don't know," Erwin murmurs at last, "It's a hard question to answer. I've never really had to think about _why_ I love you, Levi… I just do."

And at that, it's quiet. Because what in the world is Levi supposed to say to that? Erwin watches him over the table with these big, soft blue eyes, the words leaving his lips like he's said them a million times before, and Levi doesn't know what to say. He _can't_ say anything, because he's certain that normally, in this situation, he'd be telling Erwin that he loves him too. They'd be having some awful sappy moment and everything would be fine, but he can't _remember_. It's obvious that Erwin loves him, and he's certain that somewhere, tucked away in his head and his heart, he loves Erwin as well - the engagement ring that still sits on his bedside table is physical proof of that - but he just can't remember.

So Levi doesn't say anything, at least not for a while. He lets the silence hang over them and begins to eat, glancing up at Erwin every few moments to make sure that he's okay - that their conversation hadn't been too much. It isn't until he's halfway through his dinner that Levi has had enough of the silence, setting down his fork pointedly and taking a drink of water before breaking the silence.

"I never asked how we met," He says suddenly, and his words earn a look from Erwin. He pauses his movements, setting down his utensils as well before answering, seemingly glad that Levi changed the subject, at least a little.

"It's honestly a pretty boring story," He answers, but still, he can't help the way that he smiles at the memory.

"Try me," Levi offers.

"Alright," Erwin nods, "You were at a bar with Farlan and Isabel, and I happened to be there with a couple of my friends. You made some snide, off-hand comment about what I had been wearing, and somehow, I ended up with your number at the end of the night."

Levi raises his eyebrows, "It can't be that simple."

Erwin laughs. "It kind of was. I think your exact words were _'what kind of fucking idiot wears a bolo tie?'_ " He remembers, "It was quite romantic."

"I can't believe you fell for that line," Levi teases in return, cracking a small smile. And for a moment, Erwin sees the look in his eyes again - that fondness that he had seen a few days earlier. It's there for a moment, and then it's gone, fleeting.

Erwin clears his throat. "Yeah, I uh - I didn't think anything was going to come out of it, but then you were, well, _you_ , and yeah..."

And - not for the first time - the look on Erwin's face makes Levi wish that he could remember. _God,_ he wishes he could remember, more than anything. Because while he's only really known Erwin for less than two weeks now - that he can remember - he seems great and loving and wonderful. Levi can see why they ended up together, why they were drawn to one another, but _he can't fucking remember._ It's just blank, and he doesn't remember their life -

_What's Erwin's favorite color? What's his mother's name? His favorite movie? What do his lips taste like?_

\- and he wishes, more than anything, that he could.

Before Levi can let his mind wander too much, before he can let his own lack of memories kill his evening, he's speaking yet again, keeping the conversation going for the third time that night. He doesn't really think before the words leave his mouth - though if he's being honest he rarely does - but he definitely doesn't regret the question he asks. Above anything, it's sort of been hanging over his head all day, and he'd be lying if he said he didn't want to ask it from the get-go.

"Hey Erwin," Levi says causing the other man to look up from his food again, "Is this a date?"

At that, Erwin's eyes widen. He coughs, obviously surprised by the sudden question. "I - well -" He stutters, unsure of what to say. He doesn't want to put Levi off, but at the same time he doesn't want to lie to him. So he shrugs, turning the question around, "Do you want it to be?"

Levi laughs in return - really laughs - and his response makes Erwin smile too. After all, Levi's smile has always been contagious. "That was smooth as fuck," He mutters, watching Erwin. The smile only fades from his face slightly before he speaks again, as if he's really thinking about his answer. Eventually - thankfully for Erwin's pounding heart it doesn't take him too long to decide - Levi shrugs. "Sure," He says at last, "I'd like that."


	6. Tell You I Need You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _You don't know how lovely you are_  
>  _I had to find you, tell you I need you_  
>  _Tell you I'll set you apart_  
>  \- [The Scientist](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB-RcX5DS5A) \- Coldplay. (Because I hadn't even thought about it, but my lovely beta [Kelly](http://drummingmagpie.tumblr.com/) pointed it out and THIS SONG IS SO PERFECT)
> 
> Also, I've _really_ been looking forward to this chapter. I got to write a bunch of stuff I've been dying to write for these two, so I hope you all like it.  
>  (also I'm loosely planning on this being 13 chapters long, now, but that is subject to change)

_The first thing that Levi feels is the adrenaline, licking hot and white through his veins, his chest, down to his fingers. He feels his heart pounding, racing, as if trying to outrun something terrifying. And last of all, he feels fear, though that's always been there, burning low at the back of his mind, making his movements jumpy, making his hands tingle._

_The trees move fast around him, all blurring together into one big, green mess. They move too fast for Levi to count as he flies through them with terrifying precision, body coiled in like a spring. He can hear the footsteps behind him, gaining on him, and he wills himself - with that fear, burning low in the back of his head - to move faster. To outrun the beast._

_Erwin is nearby. He feels it. He knows it. He just can't see him, and he's uncertain if that makes things worse or better. Because he can't see anyone. Not Erwin, not Hanji. Not the other faceless soldiers of his dreams. No, he's alone. Alone with his racing heart and white hot adrenaline and the thick, ominous thudding catching up to him. Distantly, he hopes that Erwin is okay. Distantly, he knows that he’s running from the monster to distract it from Erwin because his gear jammed, because he’d been defenseless and he didn’t deserve to die like that._

_Distantly, he registers that this might just be it. That there's more than one set of feet following him. That, as skilled as he is, he won't be able to take two titans down on his own. Though he figures if he has to die, he'd rather it be on a mission, under Erwin's command, than anything else. If he has to die, he’d rather it be for Erwin – Humanity’s Hope._

_Ultimately, it's his mind that gets the best of him. Ultimately, it's his thoughts, his worries - where's Erwin? Is he alright? Should I go after him? - that distract him from the real danger. It's his worries, loud in his head, that stop him from hearing the titan to his right, the one that reaches out and grabs the wires of his maneuver gear, ripping him away from his path before he has a chance to latch onto another tree._

_It all happens fast after that. He feels like a rag doll as the beast rips him out of the air. And just before he impacts with a tree, he sees Erwin, out of the corner of his eye, soaring in his direction, eyes wide, worried, terror etched onto his face._

_And he can’t help the way he screams his name, just before impact._

* * *

 

_"Erwin!"_

_Everything is blurry for a moment, just a moment as his eyes adjust, and then he sees him. Then he sees Erwin, and everything is moving in slow motion. The snow-covered trees blur past them outside of the car windows, and Levi distantly registers that they're spinning. That the vehicle has lost control._

_Erwin has a hand on his chest, as if to protect him, and without thinking, Levi reaches up to grasp at it, never taking his eyes off of Erwin._

_This time, the fear is at the forefront of his mind, burning hot and red. It bites at his brain, his eyes, his hands, his chest, and it hurts. It's too much, all too much._

_Then there's the impact. Then, there's glass shattering, and it's all still moving too slow. He can see everything, eyes open wide, terrified. He can see the snow, still gently falling outside of the car, and he can see the branches of the tree, piercing through the glass, miraculously missing both of them by inches._

_And then suddenly, everything is speeding up. Suddenly, Levi is flying forward, regardless of the seatbelt and Erwin's arm holding him securely in place. His head connects with the dashboard - white, hot pain sears through his body - and then everything is going black._

* * *

 

It's Levi's sudden screaming that has Erwin sitting straight up in bed in the middle of the night, staring into the darkness, confused and half awake, trying to figure out what's going on. 

It's his _name_ on Levi's lips, however, that has hands grasping blindly for the lamp on his bedside table before leaping out of bed, still half awake.

_"Erwin!"_

Without thinking, he's turning the light on, and rushing out the door and down the hallway, toward Levi's bedroom. Toward _their_ bedroom. Because suddenly, Levi is screaming, and as he's running down the hall, Erwin can hear something crashing in the other room. So he doesn't think, he just acts.

He doesn't think, he just throws the bedroom door open, eyes searching Levi out in the dimly lit room - the moonlight filtering in through the window is the only source of light - and he finds him, screaming, terrified, thrashing in the bed like he's stuck in a horrible nightmare. The lamp on the bedside table is on the floor, broken, and Erwin can only assume it's a product of Levi's sudden, terrified outburst.

And while there's probably a better way to deal with it, Erwin doesn't think. Before he registers what he's doing, he's jumping into the bed, arms outstretched, reaching out for Levi. Before he knows what he's doing, he's grabbing Levi gently, easily, like he's done it a thousand times, and pulling him close. Without even thinking about it, Erwin holds Levi, _shushing_ him softly, one arm wrapped gently around his middle, holding him still, the other petting his hair softly.

"Shh," He murmurs softly, because while he's uncertain what's going on, what triggered this _episode_ so to speak, he knows that Levi needs something stable, soothing. Something to calm him down. "Shh," He repeats, "Levi, you're okay. You're alright. It's just a dream - _hey_ \- it's okay-"

And while it takes a few moments and a few more gentle words from Erwin for Levi to fully come down, for him to stop twisting and thrashing underneath Erwin's grasp, he's stopped screaming, and Erwin takes that as a good sign. Still, he keeps petting Levi's hair gently, keeps murmuring to him, anything to calm him down.

"It's alright," He repeats like a mantra, "You're alright. I'm right here, you're okay."

And thankfully, Levi nods. It's small, tentative and only once, but it's a nod. It's something.

Levi's skin is coated in a thin sheet of cool, clammy sweat and his chest heaves under Erwin's touch, sucking in sharp, shallow and panicked breaths. And Erwin, half underneath him, half at his side, takes in a long, deep breath himself, trying to calm the other man down.

" _Deep breaths_ ," He murmurs softly, trying to keep his voice as calm as possible. He's not experienced in dealing with panic attacks - if that's what this was - but he knows that it can't be good for Levi to be taking in such ragged, shallow breaths. If anything, it'll throw him into another episode. "I need you to take a deep breath for me," He instructs, "Can you do that?"

To Erwin's surprise, Levi nods against him again. He sucks in a deep, heaving breath, exhaling it almost immediately - too fast - and repeats the action. He's shaking underneath Erwin's hands - trembling - and Erwin closes his eyes, attempting to remain calm for the both of them.

"Just like that," He soothes, "In through your nose, out through your mouth."

Levi sucks in another deep breath, exhaling loudly through his mouth, all while nodding against Erwin, letting him know that he hears him. That he's listening. And after a long minute and a half - Erwin keeps the time, eyes on the clock at the bedside table which reads 3:45am - the trembling finally subsides. Levi's still coated in a sheet of thin, cold sweat, but he's not shaking anymore.

He takes in another deep breath, exhaling softly before looking up at Erwin. Erwin, who's still holding onto him, petting his hair, keeping him safe.

It isn't until Levi finally speaks that Erwin is pulled out of his trance, immediately dropping his hand from Levi's hair.

" _Thank you_." It's soft, ragged, but it's something.

Erwin looks down at Levi, offering him a tentative smile through the darkness. He can tell, looking down at Levi, that he had been crying as well. His eyes are red, irritated, and tears stain his cheeks.

"It's what I'm here for," He offers quietly.

Levi smiles back up at him, tight and thin, and it's at that moment that Erwin decides he's overstayed his welcome. He begins to untangle himself from Levi, pulling his leg out from underneath him first before removing his arm from his waist. He goes to stand at that, to get out of the bed and leave Levi to himself - because he's certain that he'll want time alone right now - but he doesn't get the chance to stand. He doesn't, because suddenly, there's a hand reaching out, grasping at his wrist. He follows its path, down Levi's arm, his shoulder, chest, eyes finally landing on his face and struggles for a moment to determine the emotion hidden behind his eyes.

"Levi-" He starts, but he doesn't get a chance to finish.

" _Stay,_ " Levi murmurs in return, and somehow, his word rings louder than Erwin's protest.

The word is like a punch to Erwin's gut. On one hand, he wants to listen. He wants to blindly obey Levi's request and curl up next to him, hold him close like he's been dying to do for weeks now. But on the other hand, he _can't_. He can't take advantage of Levi like this. He can't use this moment of weakness as a chance to get something that he wants, even if Levi is literally asking for it. He doesn't want to abuse his trust, because Levi is _scared_. Of course he'd ask him to stay.

"Levi," He repeats, voice somber, " _I can't._ "

"You can," Levi argues back.

"I dont-"

"I _do_ ," Levi counters before Erwin even has a chance to finish his thought. And, when Erwin opens his mouth to speak again, he cuts him off. " _Please._ "

And the word is like another punch to the gut. Because he wants nothing more than to listen. He wants nothing more than to hold Levi, to sleep by his side, to murmur into his skin - _it'll be okay._ But he _can't_. He shouldn't. It's not fair. Not to Levi, not when he's in such a vulnerable state.

"Levi-"

"I need you here, Erwin," Levi interrupts, speaking the words that Erwin's been waiting to hear. The words that make him crumble. Because even if Levi doesn't remember him, Erwin can't say no to that. He can't leave him, not like this.

So he manages a nod. "Okay," He murmurs, "I’ll Stay."

When Levi leans in, laying his head on Erwin's chest, arm draping carefully around his waist, it's almost enough to make Erwin's heart still. It's almost enough to make him believe that maybe, _just maybe_ , Levi remembers. But then, Levi is opening his eyes, looking up at him with the same look that he's had since he got out of the hospital - like he's struggling to remember the right words to say - and muttering out a soft, slurred, " _Thank you_."

And memories or not, Erwin can't help the way he reaches up at that, his fingers carding easily through Levi's damp hair. Levi leans into the touch, eyes falling closed.

"Anytime," Erwin murmurs softly.

* * *

 

Erwin awakes before Levi the next morning, and for a moment - for just _one_ moment - he wants nothing more than to just lie there. He wants nothing more than to just _stay_ , to drape his arm around Levi's waist and hold him close and pretend like nothing ever happened. He wants things to just go back to the way they were.

But that can't happen. He knows it, and Levi knows it, so it's with a heavy heart that Erwin climbs gently out of the bed early that morning, sparing Levi one last glance before shutting the door behind himself.

It's early, much too early for Erwin to start getting ready for work, but he decides to get in the shower anyway. Maybe it'll help wash away his thoughts. Maybe it'll help clear his mind. He finds himself stepping into the hot stream of water just shortly after five that morning, and it isn't until then that he realizes how exhausted he is. He'd stayed up last night long after Levi had drifted back off to sleep, eyes fixated on his still form, terrified that if he looked away from him for just one second, he'd disappear.

In total, Erwin figures that he got maybe three, four hours of sleep at the most. But that's only part of the reason why he's exhausted. He'd be lying if he said that this - that _everything_ \- wasn't starting to take a toll on him. Because while he'll always stick by Levi's side, until the day he tells him to leave, it's hard. Though, he supposes, nobody said it was going to be easy.

It's hard, though, when he closes his eyes, letting his mind drift back to dinner the night before. It's hard when he thinks about the look on Levi's face when his co-workers had suddenly shown up at their table, talking to him like an old friend. He had been terrified, confused, and he had looked to Erwin for help. And _it's hard_ when he remembers the look on Levi's face not only ten minutes after that, when Erwin had been telling him about how they met. It's hard, because he had caught that fond look on Levi's face again, just before it faded into something unreadable.

So yeah, he's exhausted. Because it's _not_ easy, even if he works hard to make it look like it is. Because he wishes that things were different, that he would have just driven slower that night, taken more time, been more careful. Because he wants nothing more than to kiss Levi and tell him that he's sorry.

If someone told him that he could help Levi - that he could help him get his memory back - by simply sacrificing his own memories of the past five years, he'd do it. He'd do it in a heartbeat. If it meant Levi's happiness, he'd do anything.

And maybe it's unhealthy, maybe that's why he's exhausted, but he doesn't care. He doesn't care, because he just wants his Levi back.

Erwin closes his eyes, letting the hot water wash over his body, and for a moment, he tries to forget.

If it were any normal morning, he'd still be in bed next to Levi, body curled against him, arm draped easily around his waist. If things were _normal_ , he'd wake Levi up gently with a kiss on the forehead before heading downstairs to make something for breakfast. Levi would grumble something unintelligible and Erwin would crack a smile because he's _never_ been a morning person.

If this were a normal morning - if Levi were to wake up right now as well - he might even join Erwin in the shower. If they had time, Erwin might press him into the wall of the shower, kissing him slow and deep, taking his time...

But things aren't normal. Erwin is alone with his thoughts in the shower and Levi is still asleep alone in the other room, and Erwin won't be waking him up with a gentle kiss on the forehead or a hand on his cheek. No, things are anything but normal - Erwin is exhausted - his chest _aches_ when he thinks about what happened last night. It pains him to think about the way that Levi had woken up in the middle of the night, scream ripping through his throat.

His chest constricts at the memory of his name on Levi's lips.

Erwin opens his eyes.

* * *

 

He really doesn't expect Levi to be up before he leaves for work that morning. The night before was eventful and _late_ and Erwin wouldn't blame him if he wanted to sleep in. He wouldn't blame him if he didn't want to get out of bed for a while. So by the time Erwin is done eating breakfast, he isn't surprised when Levi hasn't joined him downstairs yet. And while it pains him, he decides to give him his space. Hell knows he needs it. 

It’s a surprise when Levi appears at the bottom of the stairs five minutes later with sleepy eyes and messy hair, sweatpants hanging low and lazy on his hips. Erwin is just in the middle of putting Levi's breakfast in the refrigerator - just in case - when he senses the other man's presence and turns around, glancing up at him. And for a moment, neither of them speaks. Levi yawns, scratching awkwardly at the back of his neck, and Erwin shoots him a small, understanding smile.

"Morning," Erwin offers, voice soft, tentative. The last thing he wants to do now is push Levi too far. He doesn't know what caused his outburst last night, and while he's curious - while he'd like to be able to help - he's not going to push to find out. If Levi wants to talk about it, he'll do it on his own time.

"Morning," Levi echoes back.

And then it's quiet. And then there's nothing. An unasked question hangs on Erwin's lips - _are you okay?_ \- but he can't bring himself to speak. He doesn't. He can't push Levi. He can't _keep_ pushing Levi. It wouldn't be fair. If he wants to talk about it, then he will.

When Erwin speaks, it's at the same time Levi does.

"Do you want-"

"Erwin-"

They both abruptly stop speaking, and Erwin shoots Levi a small smile. "You first," He offers.

Levi shakes his head, crossing his arms. "You."

And he takes Levi's body language as a reason not to argue. "I made breakfast," He says, holding up the plate, "Do you want anything to eat?"

Levi's shaking his head again, but thankfully, he does take a couple of steps into the kitchen. Closer to Erwin. "I'm alright," He mutters, "Thank you."

He doesn't have to mention that he has a headache. Erwin can read the pain written all over his face. He mentally reminds himself to call the hospital on the way to work, to schedule an appointment for Levi. "What were you going to say?" He asks at last.

Levi sucks in a deep breath through his nose, out through his mouth. "I uh, just... _Thank you_. For last night," He replies, voice quiet, mumbled.

Erwin nods, "Of course."

And he wants to ask him, _of course he does_ , but he doesn't want to push. While he wants to know if Levi is okay, if he wants to talk about it, he's terrified of pushing him away. So he doesn't say anything. So it's a surprise when Levi says it instead. "I'm alright," He mutters, arms still crossed. He leans against the kitchen counter, "If you were wondering."

Erwin offers him a small smile. He leans up against the opposite side of the room, mimicking his actions, only his body is relaxed, open. If Levi wants to talk, he'll listen. "I was," He admits. He waits a beat then, despite his better judgment, adds, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Levi swallows hard. He'd be lying if he said he didn't want to talk about it, but at the same time, it almost physically pains him to close his eyes and remember what he'd dreamt of the night before. Actually, it does. When he had initially woken up and squeezed his eyes shut, the images of his dreams flooding his senses, his head had _throbbed_ , prompting his eyes to fly open in return. But he'd be lying if he said he didn't want to talk about it. He _needs_ to talk about it. While he can be stubborn at times, especially in talking about his feelings or himself, he can acknowledge that.

Because he's not stupid; he knows that he called out for Erwin in the middle of the night. He knows that Erwin had rushed into the bedroom and held onto him, comforting him, speaking to him and calming him down until his breathing returned to normal, until he eventually slipped back into unconsciousness. And they _do_ need to talk about that. They need to talk about the way that Erwin held him, the way that he didn't shy away from the touch. They need to talk about the fact that Levi had practically _begged_ him not to leave. To stay with him.

Most of all, they need to talk about his dream. His _dreams_.

So Levi nods, even if it's short, shallow. "Yeah," He mutters quietly.

And Erwin is quiet in response. He doesn't say anything, doesn't push. Instead, he just waits patiently, giving Levi the time and space to speak on his own. And Levi appreciates that, because something like this isn't easy for him. It has never been.

"I dreamt of a car crash," He says at last. Ultimately, he decides to tell Erwin about that dream in particular because it's the only one he's had that seemed to be relevant. It's the only dream he's had in the past week that hasn't had the giant beasts in it, the only dream that he hasn't been soaring through the trees alongside Erwin. It's the only dream that has seemed somewhat realistic, and Levi hopes that it means something.

When Erwin doesn't say anything, he continues. "That's how _this_ happened, right?" He asks, connecting the dots, "An accident?"

"Yeah," Erwin replies, voice somber. And for a moment, that's it. For a moment, he doesn't say anything else, but then it _hits_ him. His eyes widen and he pushes off of the counter, taking a few steps forward. " _Yeah_ , Levi, what else do you remember from your dream?"

And he tries to keep his heartbeat down, his excitement to a minimum, but he can't help it. He can't help it, because maybe _just maybe_ , Levi remembers something.

Levi shakes his head. "Not much," He mutters, "I just... It was snowing, and I remember the feeling of sliding out of control - you like... you put your arm out as if to stop me - and then everything was black. Red."

Erwin nods. Because while he doesn't remember much of the accident either - it had just happened _so fast_ \- he does remember throwing his arm out in front of Levi. He remembers it, because when he woke up in the hospital, it was with a dislocated shoulder and a sling on his arm. Still, he tries to control his racing heart. But this is good, _this is really, really good._ It's a step in the right direction.

"Anything else?" He asks, as soon as he's certain that he can control his voice.

But to his dismay, Levi is shaking his head again. "No..." He answers, and his voice takes this far away tone when he speaks, like he's trying to remember something, trying to grasp onto something that he can't. "The rest uh... The rest was weird. It was similar to that dream I told you about before..."

The way he speaks, it's like he has something else to say, so Erwin nods, waiting for him to go on.

And this is the part where it gets hard. This is the difficult part, because while Levi remembers his dream of the car crash - apparently, it's one of his _memories_ \- vividly, he remembers his other dreams just as clear, if not clearer. Because while he had been able to feel the cool air, the shattering glass, the sharp, sudden pain of impact in the crash, he had also been able to feel the wind whipping through his hair, the gut-wrenching feeling of being yanked away from his target in mid air, and the paralyzing _fear_ of his other dream as well. They had both been so vivid, it's almost as if they could both be memories...

But no, that's not right. That's ridiculous.

Levi shakes himself out of it. "It's weird," He mutters, "They just both felt so vivid..."

Erwin hums and nods, and it only makes things worse. Because Levi can _tell_ that he's trying to understand, that he's trying to be there for him, but he can't. He can't even _begin_ to understand the thoughts swarming around in Levi's head, the jumbled dreams and memories.

Because, while it should be easy, Levi is having a hard time distinguishing dream from reality. Erwin's gaze felt just as real in his other dreams as it does now, standing in the cool kitchen. He’d felt just as terrified for Erwin's well-being in his _dream_ as he did in his memory of the accident.

Because, no matter how strange it sounds, he's felt a connection with Erwin in his dreams. More than once. He’d be lying if he said that he hadn't been wondering if Erwin's lips felt the same here, in reality, as they did in his dream, when they'd kissed standing in an impossibly tall tree in the middle of a thick forest.

Because those are the thoughts that run through Levi's head every time he looks at Erwin, and maybe _that's_ what's giving him the headaches, maybe it's not.

Somehow, Erwin seems to sense that something is off.

"Does your head hurt?" He asks suddenly, shaking Levi out of his thoughts.

While he wants to shake his head no - he can mask his discomfort for a little longer, just until Erwin leaves for work so as not to worry him any more - he can't help it. He nods.

"Let me get you something," Erwin insists, and within seconds, he's walking away, about to leave Levi alone in the kitchen.

He's uncertain as to why he does it - if it's because he's terrified of being left alone with his thoughts or if it's because he's been struggling with this _fondness,_ this connection that he feels, in his chest for far too long - but suddenly, Levi is lunging forward and reaching out, just as Erwin brushes past him, grabbing onto his wrist. And Erwin stops dead in his tracks.

"Levi-?"

"Hey, uh..." He mumbles, heart racing, trying to come up with something - the right thing - to say, "Maybe we could try to jog my memory?"

And he's uncertain as to why he says it. Maybe it's the worn-down look on Erwin's face, or maybe it's this feeling in the pit of his stomach that he needs to be the one to make things right. Maybe it's that connection that he feels, that he's _felt_ both here and in his dreams. Whatever it is, it has him holding onto Erwin's wrist, heart racing, the words tumbling out of his mouth.

Erwin's eyes widen, hopeful, innocent, and most of all anxious. "Of course," He replies, almost too quickly. He's ready to do anything, whatever it takes, and that's something that Levi finds he likes about him. "What were you thinking?"

_And here it goes._

"We could kiss," Levi offers, attempting to keep his voice light, easy. He doesn't want Erwin to see the way his head throbs when he speaks.

His words earn a nervous chuckle from the other man, but Erwin does lean into the touch, just barely, just enough for Levi to notice. "Yeah?" He asks, shooting him a concerned look. As always, Erwin doesn't want to press too far, "Are you sure?"

And at that, Levi nods. If he really thinks about it, he's been sure since he had that first dream about Erwin. Last night only solidified things. He wants Erwin - he wants him in his life. He wants to remember. He wants to create new memories.

Erwin is cautious, and Levi doesn't blame him. Because if he were the one closing the distance between the two of them, he would be, too. In fact, he's certain that if he weren't holding onto the other man's wrist, his hand would probably be shaking. Because this is make or break - the moment of truth.

And if he's being honest, the kiss is perfect. Erwin leans in, slow and tentative, giving Levi enough time to back out of it if he wants to. But he doesn't want to. Eventually, Erwin's free hand finds its place on his face, thumb brushing his cheek just gently, barely, holding him in place and he spares him one last soft, meaningful look. Eventually, Erwin dips down and Levi leans up, meeting him halfway. And then Erwin's lips are on his own and he's sucking a sharp breath in through his nose, mind swarming.

Because the first thing that comes to mind, the first image that he sees when he closes his eyes, is that _dream_. The dream where Erwin had swung them up into a tree, out of danger, leaning down afterwards to press a kiss to Levi's lips. Because it tastes the same, if Levi really thinks about it, and their lips slot together just as they had in his dream.

But he doesn't _remember_ anything, as he hoped he would. No, there aren't any memories of their first kiss or their first date or their first time in bed together running through his mind.

And while Levi enjoys it - Erwin smells good and his lips are soft and his body is warm, somehow familiar - it doesn't _help_.

And as soon as Erwin's lips are there, they're gone. He's pulling away slowly, careful so as to not to make any sudden movements, and when he finally opens his own eyes, Levi is looking up at him with low-lidded ones.

"Anything?" He asks, voice low, gentle.

"No," Levi mutters, disappointed, "Nothing." And in an instant, Erwin's face falls. He goes to take a step backward, to pull out of Levi's grasp, suddenly worried that he's done something wrong, but thankfully, Levi is quick to correct himself.

"Not like _that_ ," He says quickly, even shooting Erwin a reassuring smile. "I mean, I felt _something_ , it's just - I don't _remember_."

"Oh," Erwin breaths. He nods, face hard, "It's okay."

"No," Levi mutters, voicing his thoughts, "No, it's not." Because it's anything but okay. Because he _did_ feel something. And, if given the chance, he'd gladly kiss Erwin again. He'd let the other man press him against the counter, let him hold him, look at him how he's been obviously _dying_ to, but _he can't fucking remember_ and it's killing him. It's killing him to see the disappointed look on Erwin's face. It's killing him that he can remember his dreams just as vividly as the car accident but that he can’t remember anything else.

"Levi-"

" _Fuck_ ," Levi bites, "It's not okay. You're trying _so hard_ , and I can't even help. I can't even-"

He goes to say something - _anything_ \- to finally voice the thoughts that have been eating him up inside, but his words are suddenly cut short by a sharp, searing pain, ripping through the back of his skull and toward his forehead. Suddenly, everything goes fuzzy, dizzy. Levi tightens his grip on Erwin's wrist, his other hand reaching out to the counter for balance.

" _Levi?_ " Erwin's voice sounds far away to his ears, and Levi tries to look at him, tries to focus on his face, but he can't. "Levi, are you okay?

Levi opens his mouth to say something, but only manages a sharp, gasping breath before he's falling to his knees, finally letting go of Erwin's wrist. His head falls to his hands and he presses his fingers into his temple, squeezing his eyes shut.

And after a moment of white, searing pain, everything goes black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW. IM SORRY. I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON.  
> (but hey, at least they kissed?)


	7. I Wanna Die With You Once Or Twice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _I wanna cry with you_  
>  _I wanna die with you once or twice_  
>  \- ["Dogwalk"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNjlhgKjLXw) \- Pity Sex
> 
>  
> 
> First off, **I'm so sorry that this update took longer than usual!** These past couple of weeks have been crazy busy for me, but I promise I'm still here and writing and I'm going to try to get chapter 8 up soon as well to make up for the lack of posting - I promise! I didn't mean to leave you all at such an awful cliffhanger haha.
> 
> Second, I want to thank my wonderful beta Kelly who puts up with the awful angst of this fic on a day to day basis. 
> 
> And thanks to everyone who has kept up with this story so far! I'm so excited to finish the rest and share it with all of you!
> 
> Also, yay flashback chapter! I hope you guys like this one! it was a lot of fun to write!

_"I still don't understand why you're making me to go to this shit with you," Levi mutters, glancing at Erwin's reflection in the mirror, just a few feet behind his own. His own nimble fingers adjust the collar on his shirt, and he can't help but feel like the fabric is choking him. He absolutely despises going to these parties that Erwin attends, and he knows that Erwin doesn't necessarily care for them either. Too many rich, fat, privileged assholes in one room for Levi's taste._

_Lost in thought, staring down his own reflection, Levi doesn't notice until he feels hands on his hips that Erwin is now right behind him, leaning in close. "I've explained this to you before, Levi," Erwin says, voice calm, practiced. It's the way he speaks when he wants to get his way - the way he'll speak to the powerful men at the party tonight, pitching the new ideas for the Survey Corps that need funding. "They requested your presence."_

_Levi scoffs, "Don't see what they want with me."  He averts his gaze from Erwin's, glancing over himself; over the long, black jacket that's almost too big for him, going down to his knees. He feels naked without his uniform on - without his maneuver gear on - but that's one of the sacrifices that he has to make in order to attend. "You're the brains behind the operation. I'm just the muscle," he finally finishes his train of thought, avoiding Erwin’s gaze._

_What he doesn't expect are Erwin’s fingers on his chin at that, pulling his face up so that their eyes meet in the mirror. "You're more than that, Levi," he murmurs softly, leaning in closer._

_And for a moment, Levi lets his eyes close, leaning back into Erwin's touch. For a moment, he'd do anything that Erwin said, though he realizes, he always would. He opens his eyes again after a few long seconds, watching Erwin's reflection again. "What am I, then?" he asks softly, voice trained, steady. It's been four years since he joined the Survey Corps - since he dedicated his life to the man behind him - and he'd be lying if he said he still didn't look to Erwin for guidance. He trusts him._

_Erwin smiles behind him, leaning in closer, and Levi can't suppress the shudder that runs through his body at the feeling of Erwin's breath ghosting across his neck. "You're cunning, quick on your feet," he murmurs, "And incredibly smart. You don't give yourself enough credit."_

_"Erwin-"_

_"You're my right hand man," Erwin continues, ignoring Levi's attempt at interrupting him. His fingers trace over Levi’s cheek as he speaks, "That's why you need to be there."_

_Levi scoffs, but he can't help the way he closes his eyes when Erwin's fingers run along his jaw line. Moments like this are few, fleeting. They rarely have time together, alone, quiet like this, and Levi will be damned if he doesn't enjoy it. "I thought Mike was your right hand man. Where's he at?"_

_"Left," Erwin corrects with a smile, "And he hates these sort of things."_

_Levi's eyes fly open at that and he shoots a glare at Erwin's reflection, "Are you fucking kidding me?"_

_Erwin chuckles. "It might be an excuse to see you outside of the uniform," he offers, "And they did request you specifically."_

_Levi narrows his eyes. "I'm not talking to anyone."_

_"I wouldn't expect you to," Erwin murmurs, leaning down to brush his lips against the shell of Levi's ear, "I'll do all of the talking."_

_And at that, Levi is turning, neck craning in order to press their lips together. Everything starts to fade away, starts to go black..._

* * *

 

_The first time Levi sees Erwin after he loses his arm is difficult. It's difficult because Erwin, the pinnacle of strength, humanity’s hope, the man who had always been there for Levi, always one step ahead of everyone else, is lying useless in a bed, pale and weak and unable to care for himself. It's difficult, because Levi had just always assumed that Erwin would be there, and maybe that's the hardest part. He’d taken Erwin for granted, just as he had with Farlan and Isabel, and look what happened. Obviously, there was nothing that Levi could have done to stop what happened, but he can't help the pain and guilt that rises in his chest the first time he sees Erwin lying in that hospital bed._

_The second time, however, is a little easier. The next day, Levi is prepared. He knows what to expect on the other side of that heavy wooden door. He knows that there's nothing he can do about it now except for move forward and help Erwin, just as Erwin would do for him._

_So, the second time that Levi finds himself walking into that room, it's with a razor and shaving cream and a slight smirk when Erwin looks up at him from the bed. And thankfully, the other man looks a little bit better than he had the day before. He's still pale and weak and he's got that awful five-o-clock shadow that Levi intends on fixing, but his eyes are brighter. They follow Levi as he crosses the room silently._

_"Stop staring at me," Levi bites as he makes his way to Erwin's side, though he can't hide the smile tugging at the corners of his lips, especially when Erwin grins up at him at his words._

_"Sorry," Erwin mutters half-heartedly, "I’m just happy to see you."_

_"You saw me yesterday," Levi responds. He sets the razor, cream and brush down on Erwin's bedside table and regards him for a second, crossing his arms. "Sit up."_

_Erwin does as he's told, already understanding though it takes a considerable amount of effort, and Levi is quick to help him, adjusting the pillows behind his head so he can sit comfortably. It isn't until Levi is certain that Erwin is okay that he finally gets to work, lathering the shaving cream onto his face without even missing a beat._

_"You don't have to do this," Erwin murmurs, voice quiet, even as Levi keeps moving, reaching for the razor, “I can take care of myself.”_

_"You know that's a lie," Levi mutters in return. He uses his fingers to gently turn Erwin's face in the right direction, mindful of any stiffness or other wounds that he can't see beneath the bandages that criss-cross his chest and shoulder and stump where his arm used to be. "And anyway, you look like shit - chin up."_

_Erwin obeys Levi's orders, tilting his chin up, but he doesn't close his eyes. Instead, he looks right at the other man as he gets to work shaving him, graceful fingers moving quickly. "I did lose my arm," he counters._

_Levi snorts out a small chuckle before schooling his face again. "Don't make me laugh," he mutters, "I don't want to cut your throat.” Levi lets his last words linger for a few moments before finally speaking again, voice lower, more serious. “Besides, you've never been one to feel sorry for yourself, arm or no arm. Don't start now."_

_Erwin hums, and for a moment, it's quiet between the two of them save for the scraping of Levi's razor on Erwin's stubble. Levi leans on the mattress, mindful of Erwin's wound, but not too careful. After all they've never been the type to tiptoe around each other. Levi knows Erwin's limits and Erwin knows Levi's._

_It isn't until Levi grabs a wet cloth off of the table to wipe off Erwin's face that he feels a hand on his hip. And it isn't until then that Levi realizes that he's putting the majority of his weight on the bed, kneeling on it and causing the mattress to dip slightly. He moves to get off the bed, suddenly worried that he's making Erwin uncomfortable, but the hand on his hip doesn't move, urging him to stay._

_"Erwin, I-"_

_"Please," He murmurs in return, voice soft. It's a side of Erwin reserved specifically for Levi. Nobody else gets to see him like this, and that fact pulls at Levi's heartstrings. "Stay with me." Levi catches movement out of the corner of his eyes at that, and when he glances up, he watches as Erwin's right shoulder - the one wrapped in bloodied bandages, the one that he's been trying really hard not to look at - moves, twitches just slightly. And when Levi's hands find their place on Erwin's face again, it's twisted up in pain, eyes shut tight._

_"It hurts..." Levi infers, moving closer to him on the bed, into his touch._

_Erwin nods, "Some days, some hours are better than others."_

_"Can you still feel it?"_

_"At times," Erwin replies honestly._

_"Can you right now?" Levi presses, and he knows that he should stop, that he shouldn't be sitting so close, that he should be giving Erwin his space, but he can't. He can't, because Erwin almost died and he could still die and he's going to cherish this moment with him, as fucked up as things may be._

_Erwin nods again, voice tight, "It’s alarming to look down and not see my hand on your thigh.  The pain is worse at times like this."_

_And without warning, without another word, Levi is surging forward, pressing his lips onto Erwin's parted ones. He doesn't say a word, but he doesn't need to. For them, a lot of things go without saying, and this is one of them. Levi wants to take care of Erwin, wants to be there for him, no matter what._

_Behind the depths of his closed eyelids, everything seems to fade and filter away again..._

* * *

 

_The moment that Levi finds out that Erwin has been taken by the military police, he can't help but fear the worst. He can't help the voice in the back of his head telling him that Erwin is going to die in their custody - that they're going to kill him. It’s all he can do to stop himself from thinking that he'll never be able to see Erwin again. And it's not right. It's not right, because they've always been fighting a losing battle, but they never actually thought they'd lose; if Erwin dies, then it’ll all be for nothing. Levi knows that it'll be too great of a loss to move on from. While Hanji would make a good Commander and while Levi has gotten better at trusting his own judgment, they'd be lost without Erwin._

_He'd be lost without Erwin._

_So when their Commander returns without so much as a scrape, it's almost too good to be true. In fact, Levi doesn't even believe it until he sees Erwin for himself. Unfortunately, it's a few days after Erwin returns that Levi finally has the chance to see him, and he's anxious. He can't help it. He's been anxious for days, weeks, months - ever since everything seemed to blow up in their faces all at once. He feels anxious because deep down, part of him feels that Erwin's return will only come at a price._

_But when he actually sees the man, standing tall and proud, bolo tie and all, in the small kitchen of their newly-found (and in Levi's opinion, really shitty) hideout, he can't help the way he reacts. He can't help the way he freezes when his eyes land on Erwin, despite the squad of kids trailing in the doorway behind him. And he can’t help the way that he moves after a few seconds, taking big, long strides until he's close to Erwin - until he's grabbing that bolo tie and pulling him down roughly for a searing and long-awaited kiss._

_Deep down, Levi knows that he shouldn't be doing this, especially in front of his squad, comrades and peers, but they've always had their suspicions and he hasn't seen Erwin in months. He thought he was going to die, so he can't help himself. He can't. And thankfully, Erwin kisses him back. Thankfully, Erwin's arm snakes around his waist, holding him close, pulling him up onto his toes to return the kiss just as fiercely as Levi hoped he would._

_Fortunately, the brats know how to keep quiet. None of them - not even Hanji - say anything as Levi and Erwin slowly detangle from one another. It’s quiet when Levi finally opens his heavy eyes and gazes up at Erwin. There are a million things that he wants to say, a thousand questions he wants to ask, but as soon as his eyes meet the blue ones looking down at him, his mind goes blank. And thankfully, Erwin is the first to speak, leaning down low, voice quiet, though Levi is certain that everyone in the small space can hear him. "I missed you."_

_"Fuck, Erwin," Levi mutters. He presses his head into Erwin's chest. "I thought you were dead."_

_"I'm sorry," he murmurs in return, pulling Levi close, "I'm sorry - I'm here now. I'm here..."_

_Levi lets himself close his eyes, allows himself to imagine that it's just the two of them, how it used to be. For a moment, they're alone until Hanji is clearing her throat from the other end of the room._

_"I'd tell you two to get a room, but given how small this place is, that would be a little pointless, huh?" she teases from the other end of the kitchen, and when Levi pulls away to glance in her direction, she - among plenty of other people in the room - can't hide the wide grin on her face. And Levi, never really one to show too much emotion, can't help his own smile, either._

* * *

 

_Levi would be lying if he said he didn't always know that it would end this way. Maybe not in these circumstances, and maybe not where it happens, but he always knew that if things were to end - if they were going to lose - he'd go out before Erwin. He'd die for Erwin. It's just the way that things were meant to be._

_Somehow, he always saw it coming. After all, Levi owes him. Levi owes Erwin for everything he's done for him, even if he never asked for anything in return. Still, Levi always knew that it would end this way, one way or another. He always knew that he'd die before Erwin. In fact, he sort of always hoped it would end that way. And maybe it's because he's selfish - maybe it's because he can't imagine himself living without Erwin - but he's glad that he's not proven wrong._

_It happens fast, and before he knows it, Levi is lying on the forest floor, his own blood staining the green grass on either side of him. If he closes his eyes, he can still see the images of his own squad when he'd found them in a similar state. Distantly, he hopes that Erwin doesn't find him like this. He hopes that something else will find him first, and he hopes that he goes fast. Because, while he still has a lot of wrongs to right and while he hasn't always been one of the good guys, he doesn't want to suffer. He doesn't want Erwin to suffer._

_Levi's never really been one to get what he wants, though. Within minutes, he hears the telltale thud of a titan's body hitting the ground - of someone taking it down. And within minutes, he can hear Erwin calling his name. And part of Levi wants to yell at him because he has a squad to look after, god damn it! He wants to tell him to keep going, not to worry, but he can't. His voice gets caught in his throat and he can taste blood on his tongue._

_It only takes a moment for Erwin to find him, and as soon as the other man swoops down from the tree line, Levi knows for certain that it was always supposed to end this way. He was always supposed to give his life for Erwin - if he were to die for any cause, it would be for this man's._

_Still, it doesn't stop the guilt that rises up in Levi's chest when he sees the look on Erwin's face as he kneels in the grass beside him._

_"Levi, I-" his voice is rough, panicked, something unlike Levi's ever heard before. Erwin's usually so calm and cool and collected, but now? Now, his uniform is torn and his hair is disheveled, and when Levi glances down he can see that he's already gone through two blades, still not very practiced with just one arm. Now, his voice is stricken with worry and grief and it kills Levi to see him this way._

_"Don't," he manages to choke out, though it sends a sharp pain through Levi's chest to speak. "It's okay, I - I'm okay."_

_"Let me get you to safety," Erwin says, ignoring Levi's words and reaching forward to pull his head up, cradling what he can of his body with just one arm._

_Levi closes his eyes, shaking his head despite the pain. "Don't be stupid," he rasps, "You can't carry me like this."_

_"Then I'll find someone," Erwin argues._

_"There - There's no one around," Levi mutters, "You know that."_

_"I won't just leave you here!" Erwin bites back, his words almost hurt Levi more than his injuries. He's never seen Erwin like this, never. Not in the decade that he's known him and not after all of the lives that have been lost under his command._

_"You will," Levi rasps, "You need to go. They - they need you, Erwin."_

_Erwin shakes his head. "You need me. I'm staying with you."_

_"You're stupid," Levi manages to bite back in return._

_And he half expects Erwin to argue back again, to say something, anything, but instead, there's silence. Instead, there's a pair of familiar lips pressing against his bloodied ones. Instead, Erwin pulls him close, pressing their foreheads together, noses brushing._

_"Thank you," Levi whispers, and it almost gets lost in the wind, but Erwin hears it. He knows he hears it by the way his body tenses. "Thank you," he repeats, speaking through the pain, "For everything."_

_"Levi, I-"_

_"Don't say it," Levi bites, sensing the words on Erwin's tongue. He tenses as he speaks, his own fingers clenching against Erwin's uniform. His chest aches and he wants to scream from the pain, but can't. He feels frozen. Instead, he manages to rasp out, "Not now. It - it feels too much like goodbye."_

_It's quiet for a moment, for just a beat between them, before Erwin nods against him, muttering out a soft, "Okay." He presses his lips to Levi's hair, "Okay."_

_And when Levi closes his eyes, everything goes white._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently it's hard for me to write a happy ending to a chapter. I promise I'm not all evil!  
> Chapter 8 will be up soon, I promise. Thank you all for being so patient with me! <3


	8. How Could I Forget

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Yes, of course_  
>  _I remember, how could I forget_  
> [Thinkin Bout You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKcozRG0bIk) \- Frank Ocean
> 
> Thank you ALL so much for all of your lovely comments on the last chapter. I know, I'm a terrible person, so I hope that this quick update makes up for it. Not a TON happens in this chapter, but at least it's not as painful as the last one, so I hope you guys can bear with me here, haha.  
> Once again, thanks to my lovely beta [Kelly](http://drummingmagpie.tumblr.com/) who deals with all of this sad awful shit on a daily basis thanks to me. Love you!

When Levi first awakes, it's with a sharp gasp that rips from his throat without warning, followed by a series of shallow, panicked breaths. When he first awakes, he can't see anything, just bright, bright white - his eyes remain unfocused no matter how many times he blinks them.

When he first awakes, Levi is disoriented, confused, and most of all, terrified. In the back of his mind, all he can see are tall, tall trees towering above him and bright green grass stained red with his blood. The image is painted in his mind, and no matter how much he tries to shake it away, he can't. Thankfully, the brightness dulls after a few long moments, though in its place, he can feel hands on his arms, holding him down onto what he assumes his a hospital bed. He tries not to struggle too much, but as his vision returns - slowly but surely, even if still slightly blurry - he comes to realize that he doesn't recognize anything in the room. More importantly, he doesn't recognize anyone in the room with him, and that terrifies him even more.

But above everything, there's only one thought, one name on his mind, one person that his eyes search for in the white hospital room.

" _Erwin_ ," he manages to gasp between sharp intakes of breath.

"It's alright," one of the people - a woman - holding him down assures in a comforting voice, "You're alright, just take deep breaths, Levi."

"Where's Erwin?" he rasps instead, closing his eyes. He tries to remember how he got here, what happened, and his thoughts - his memories and dreams - blur together. Because one second, he sees Erwin crouched over him, face stricken with grief and worry, blood staining his hands, and the next, he sees Erwin standing in front of him in a small, dimly lit kitchen, hopeful smile spread across his face. Because one second, he's soaring through impossibly tall trees, heart racing, and the next he's in a car, eyes closed, bracing for impact. Everything is too much, too fast, and he can’t seem to keep his head straight.

"His fiancé," He hears another person say. They then direct their words at him, "He's just outside, he'll be here soon. We just need you to calm down. Can you take some deep breaths for me?"

And, despite the fear and confusion coursing through Levi's veins, he manages a nod, taking in a shallow breath, then another, attempting to relax. It's hard, though, when he can't quite place where he is or what's going on. It's hard, when he can't distinguish dream from reality.

It takes a few minutes for Levi to fully calm down, but once he does, things finally seem a little clearer. Even though how he managed to get here is still a little bit blurry to him, he registers that he's in a small, clean hospital room, and that two nurses - whom he's never seen - are quickly and efficiently taking his vitals and making sure he's okay, which he is, despite a dull throbbing in his head. He sits patiently for them, though, waiting until they leave him alone, waiting for them to allow Erwin into the room.

When they do eventually let him in, however, Erwin's presence manages to make Levi feel more confused that it comforts him. Because for some reason, he half expected Erwin to step into the room wearing a clean white button down shirt underneath a tan jacket, hair parted perfectly off to the side, with a bolo tie hanging around his neck and his empty right sleeve pinned up against his shoulder. Instead, when his eyes land on the other man, he's clad in a green hoodie, black sweats and his hair is messy, like he hasn't slept in days.

What catches Levi's attention most, though, is Erwin's right arm tucked inside of his hoodie pocket, instead of a loose, empty sleeve in its place. Suddenly, his throat feels thick, head dizzy. His vision blurs.

"Erwin?" He manages to gasp, "You - your arm, I - I don't... What happened?"

Erwin manages a smile - it's soft and sad and it's disconcerting to Levi - before he takes a couple of steps forward, careful not to get too close. And distantly, Levi wonders why he's being so cautious. Because he'd give anything to feel Erwin next to him right now, to feel his lips on his own. _Anything_ to clear the horrific images from behind his eyelids.

"We're at the hospital," He murmurs, voice careful, "Do you remember anything?"

And for a brief, fleeting moment, he does. For just a split second, Levi remembers everything. He remembers soaring through the trees with Erwin at his side, wind whipping through his hair, and he remembers quick, stolen kisses before missions outside the walls. He remembers long rides at Erwin's side to meetings with the Military Police and he remembers quiet moments alone in Erwin's office, when they had just a little bit of time to themselves. He remembers the bloody forest floor and Erwin’s grief-stricken face looking down at him, remembers feeling numb, cold… For a moment, he remembers everything.

And then it all hits him. In just a second, the reality of the situation hits Levi. He suddenly remembers where he is, what happened. He remembers waking in the middle of the night, screaming Erwin's name. He remembers the dream he'd had, fresh in his mind, and he remembers curling up next to Erwin in bed, asking him to stay. Levi remembers standing in front of him in the kitchen, morning light filtering in through the window, and he remembers leaning up into a brief, tentative kiss, and the awful feeling of _not_ remembering anything. And then he remembers pain, crumbling down onto the kitchen floor.

The worst part is that Levi remembers those things just as vividly as he remembers the other things - his Survey Corps uniform, how to put on his maneuver gear, how towering the walls looked in the morning light, how they cast shadows throughout the city.

It  only takes a split second for the reality of the situation to hit Levi - for him to really understand what's going on. It only takes a moment for him to realize that the images in his head aren't from dreams. They're not his subconscious's fucked up way of trying to get him to remember bits and pieces of his life. Well, at least... not this one.

It’s one quick, brief moment of clarity, but that’s all that Levi needs in order to figure everything out. No, it only takes a second for him to realize that his weird dreams weren't dreams after all. They were memories. Memories of another life.

And by the look in Erwin's eyes, it's a life that _he_ doesn't remember.

But Levi remembers this life too. Or at least, bits and pieces of it. He remembers his parents and his childhood and high school and leaving for college. His first apartment. He remembers Isabel and Farlan - _holy shit,_ they’re in this life too, he grew up with them - and he remembers the way they’d slowly started to grow apart after high school, ripped away by _life_ and college and new friends in this lifetime, rather than death. And he remembers waking up in the hospital not too long ago, having never seen Erwin before, not being able to remember their life together. He remembers Erwin’s kindness, his patience.

Levi shakes his head, confused, disoriented, trying to piece things together. He tries to put things back in order,  to sort it all out in his head. After all, there's a lot to sift through and Erwin is looking at him expectantly and he hasn't said anything and he _can't_ say the wrong thing now, _he can't_.

"Levi?"

"Yeah," Levi mutters, shaking his head again, trying to rid himself of old memories. He's not talking to the Erwin from a lifetime ago - _Commander_ Erwin Smith - he's talking to the Erwin from _now_.  This is the Erwin who looked utterly _heartbroken_ when he hadn't remembered him.  In a morbid way, Levi finds it a little funny that he can remember Erwin clear as day now, just not the Erwin from _this_ life. The brain is funny that way. Life is funny that way.

"I - I think. We were in the kitchen," Levi mumbles, still trying to put the pieces together, still watching Erwin's face for anything he recognizes. "We kissed, and then my head..." He closes his eyes, trying to remember, but all he can recall is collapsing on the floor, Erwin's concerned voice, then... nothing.

Erwin nods, patient as ever. "Anything else?"

And by the tone of his voice, Levi knows that he isn't talking about another life. He's talking about this, now. He doesn't remember, though Levi can't blame him. After all, _he's_ just now figuring it out...

"No," he finally replies, "Not before the crash."

Without missing a beat, Erwin nods again. "How do you feel?"

Levi watches him for a moment, trying to catalogue his movements. While Erwin looks the same as he did in his dreams - his memories - he looks younger, and not only physically, but also mentally. It's in his eyes. He's not as scarred as he had been before, not as fucked up as they'd all been back then. No, Erwin looks more... innocent. Younger. Brighter. The sight makes Levi smile, and he realizes that he probably looks goofy as fuck doing so, but he can't help it.

"Good," he mutters, "Yeah, good. My head hurts a little, but other than that, good."

Erwin manages a smile in return, pulling up a chair to sit down at Levi's side. "That's good," he replies voice soft. He reaches out, as if to take Levi’s hand as he speaks, but pauses halfway there, letting his hands drop to his lap. The action causes Levi’s chest to ache. He can’t remember the last time he really _held_ Erwin’s hands - both of them. Not in this lifetime and not in his last one. Levi’s thoughts are cut short, however, when Erwin speaks again, voice dipping lower after a moment. "They want to take an MRI," he explains after the beat of silence, "Just to make sure everything is okay."

Levi nods, eyes lingering on Erwin’s hands. "Okay. Yeah, that's fine." Distantly, he decides that if nothing else, it'll give him time to think.

And after he's situated inside of the scanner a couple of hours later, Levi has exactly that; plenty of time to think. In fact, he has almost an entire hour alone to himself to think, nothing but the loud clanking noises of the scanner in his ears. He has this time alone to try to figure out everything going on inside of his head, to try to sort out exactly what the fuck is going on.

A day ago, he couldn't remember anything. He couldn't remember any details about his life over the past five years and he _definitely_ couldn't remember anything about a life he'd lived ages ago. Because he's damn near certain that's what is going on, that the images in his head when he closes his eyes - the giants, the titans, the walls, the uniforms, _Erwin_ \- aren’t just dreams. They're too vivid to be dreams. Too realistic, too tangible to be dreams. _Dreams_ don't feel the way that _this_ feels - memories do.

Surprisingly, that's not the hardest part for Levi to grasp - really, it only takes him a few minutes to come to terms with it. To come to terms with the fact that he's reliving memories from a lifetime ago, that reincarnation exists, that somehow, he's managed to find Erwin again in this lifetime. Surprisingly, that's not the tough part to work his mind around.

No, the hardest part to figure out is _why_. Why is he remembering now? Had it been the accident? Had it knocked something loose inside of his head? Something that allowed him to remember? It would make sense, in a weird fucked up world where things like this happen on a day to day basis, but it's not enough. Because what if Levi had been having these dreams _before_ the accident, but he doesn't remember because he _can't_ remember anything from before the accident?

He squeezes his eyes shut tightly, head throbbing. It's too much - too much to think about, too much to try to wrap his mind around. Not only are there still five years that he can't seem to remember locked away somewhere in his brain, apparently there's also another lifetime's worth of memories in there as well. And _wow,_ the brain is a magnificent, awful thing, isn't it?

Levi sighs, trying to at least lay out everything he knows on a mental checklist in his head. Hell, maybe he should make a real list - a _timeline,_ so to speak - when he gets home.

Because he knows that this life is real. He knows that the pain throbbing through his head right now and the frustration in his chest are real. That the feeling he gets when Erwin looks at him with those soft, concerned eyes is real. But on the other hand, when he closes his eyes, the images from his dreams - his memories - feel real too. The fear he felt while trying to outrun a titan is real and the wind biting his cheeks and rushing through his hair is real, too.

The memory of Erwin's lips pressing against his own, hard and certain in the warm afternoon light of his office as Levi drags him down by the bolo tie feels just as real as the memory of Erwin dipping down gently, kissing him tentatively in the dim morning light of his kitchen not even twenty-four hours ago.

So, both lives are real. Levi can live with that. He can wrap his mind around that, can work with that. What he _can't_ live with, however, is the fact that he _still_ can't remember the past five years of this life, his life here with Erwin. What he can't live with is the fact that Erwin supposedly doesn't remember their past life, either.

The hour goes by quickly, and before long, Levi is discharged from the hospital. It takes less than twenty-four hours - the sun has just finished coming up - before Levi is walking out of the hospital with Erwin with more questions than answers swarming around in his mind.

His MRI had come back clean; the doctor told him that he was healing perfectly, that his _episode_ so-to-speak was more than likely caused by pain that would subside within the next few weeks.  He was just given more pain-killers to take in case of any headaches, and then he was sent on his way.

By the time that Levi finds himself climbing into the car to head _home_ , a day after everything - after the _kiss_ , after he'd collapsed on the kitchen floor, after remembering his old life - he has more unanswered questions than he did before. But most of all, he has more worries than he did before. Because what if he never remembers the past five years of his life here? What if he never remembers the first time he met Erwin? What if he never remembers the moment when the other man proposed to him, the first time they kissed, the first time they had sex? This life - despite its problems - is so much _better_ than his past one. Because in this life, Levi has Erwin, and he doesn't have to worry about _life or death_ or the titans or the government or the squad of kids looking toward him for advice and guidance. Instead, he has Erwin. _They have a house together._ They’re practically an old married couple - everything they could never have been in their past life - and Levi is terrified that he’ll never remember any of that.

Most of all, he worries about losing Erwin again because of this, because of his stupid fucking brain. And he can’t lose Erwin because he doesn't know what he'd do without the other man now. Not after everything he can remember. Not after everything he can't.


	9. The Pictures Tell The Story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _The pictures tell the story_  
>  _I took them off the wall_  
>  _It’s hard enough to get through_  
>  _I still can feel the fall_  
>  _Do you even think of me at all?_  
>  \- [Only You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1rjnnx4h0RU) \- Matthew Perryman Jones
> 
> Oh hey! Finally a happy chapter! I apologize for the lack of Erwin in this one, but I hope some happy stuff with Hanji makes up for it! I really loved writing this chapter because I can't get enough of writing interactions between Hanji and Levi.
> 
> The next one is a big one, guys. Be prepared.

Levi doesn't dream that night. He wakes up early the next morning to the sound of water running - Erwin taking a shower - and he lies in bed until he hears the water stop, staring up at the blank white ceiling.

He and Erwin didn’t speak much after they got home from the hospital the day before. They had both been pretty exhausted, and on top of the fact that Levi already had a lot to think about, Erwin was more careful around him than ever, making sure he didn't get too close, eyes not lingering too long. They hadn't discussed the kiss, and Levi could tell that Erwin didn't want to push him too far, ask too much of him.

Silently, he'd been thankful for it. Because while he wouldn't mind the now familiar press of Erwin's lips against his own, and while he wouldn't have minded waking up next to him in the morning, the last thing he needed was _something else_ to think about, something else to worry about.

So the two of them don’t speak much when they got home from the hospital, and Levi is okay with that. But by the next morning, he'd be lying if he said he wasn't a little anxious to walk down the stairs and see Erwin standing in the kitchen.

Unfortunately, the two of them don't talk much in the morning, either. By the time Levi finds himself walking down the stairs and into the kitchen, Erwin is already ready and dressed, sitting at the counter and eating breakfast, as if in a hurry to leave. Levi regards him with a raised eyebrow as he steps into the kitchen, careful not to get too close to Erwin, and Erwin offers him an apologetic smile in response.

"I have to leave early today," he explains, turning to watch Levi pick a piece of still-warm bacon off of his own plate, ready and waiting for him at the kitchen table. "I didn't go in yesterday, and I have some extra work to do."

Levi nods, unsure of what to say to that, settling with a quiet, "Okay."

And apparently, that worries Erwin. "That is - if you'll be alright today," he assures, "If you need me, I can call and-"

"It's alright," Levi offers with a small smile, "I'll be alright."

Erwin watches him for a moment, and when he's certain that Levi isn't lying, he nods. "Alright. I left your pain medication in the bathroom, but call me if you need _anything_ today."

Levi nods again, sticking another piece of bacon in his mouth as he crosses the kitchen to pour himself a cup of coffee. "Okay."

"Hanji will also be home today," Erwin continues, obviously still concerned, "Her number is in your phone and she's only a couple of houses away, so if you need anything-"

"I'll call," Levi interrupts with a small reassuring smile, "I promise."

And _that_ , thankfully, earns a smile from Erwin as he stands to put his dishes in the sink.

"I'll be home around five," he says at last, grabbing his jacket off of one of the chairs, shooting Levi one last look before he leaves the kitchen. And he lingers. It's just for a second, but Levi notices it. Part of him - the part that remembers their _old_ life together - wants to stride forward and kiss Erwin breathless, right here, right now, but he doesn't. He can't.

Instead, Levi nods, leaning up against the kitchen counter, dangerously close to the spot where he and Erwin had kissed before. "Sounds good," he mutters.

And with one last fleeting smile, Erwin is out the door and Levi is alone with his thoughts.

* * *

He realizes, throughout the course of the day, that it's a lot harder to sit around in the house when he knows everything that he does now. It doesn't take long after Erwin leaves for Levi to become anxious, body and mind buzzing with nerves and memories and emotions and - 

And it's too much to handle, so Levi tries to busy himself. Not long after Erwin steps out the door, Levi finds himself washing the dishes, scrubbing until his hands feel raw in the soapy water. He tries to busy himself, finding little things around the house to do. He does his own laundry, finds himself cleaning up the bedroom and bathroom, even though they're not very dirty to begin with.

Levi tries to keep himself busy, tries to keep his mind off of things, because it's hard when his mind wanders. It's frustrating. He wishes that he would have kissed Erwin when he'd left that morning. On one hand, he wishes that Erwin could remember their past life as well, but at the same time, he doesn't because that life was painful. It was painful and awful and bloody and _nobody_ should have to remember it, but Levi does. He does, and he remembers Erwin. When he closes his eyes, he remembers the way the other man's lips had felt against his own in another life, how their bodies felt pressed together, how his name sounded on Erwin's lips.

And part of him wishes that Erwin could remember that, too, because if he could remember their old life, then things would be okay. Or if Levi could remember the past five years of this one, things could go back to normal.

Around noon, Levi's head begins to hurt and he decides to take some pain pills. And about an hour later, he contemplates calling Erwin, but ultimately decides against it. He doesn't want to worry the other man, doesn't want to make him think that something is wrong when honestly, he just wants his mind to _shut up._

And then suddenly, it hits Levi: _Hanji_.

He doesn't know why it didn't click earlier, when Erwin had said her name, but maybe it's because everything seems heightened when Erwin is around him now. Regardless, it clicks. _Hanji is in this life too._ They're _friends_ with Hanji - she lives just down the street.

So, before he knows what he's doing, Levi is throwing on a jacket and heading out the front door, walking with purpose down the street. He isn't certain what possesses him to do it, what he thinks he'll get out of it, but Levi finds himself walking down Hanji's _\- it's actually Hanji,_ he reminds himself - driveway and knocking on her front door not even fifteen minutes after the idea strikes him.

And maybe it's because he hopes that she remembers, too - that maybe she'll see something in his eyes and just _know_ , and then he won't be alone, he won’t be crazy.

When Hanji answers the door, however, she doesn't mask the surprised look on her face. "Levi?" She asks, surprise quickly fading into concern, "Is everything alright?"

And _this_ , this is the part that he didn't plan. What was he supposed to do, go to her door, take a chance and call her _squad leader_ and wait to see if she remembered? If she didn't, then what? Then he'd just look crazy. So Levi can't help the way he stutters at that, trying to find the right words to say. "Yeah. _Yeah_ , everything's fine," he mutters, trying to mask his anxiety, his excitement. Even though Hanji's hair is down and her glasses are _different_ , it's definitely her. He's not crazy.

"I uh, was just wondering - do you want to get lunch?" Levi manages, "Or something?"

_Wow, man, real eloquent._

To Levi's surprise, Hanji laughs in return, bright and loud. And it's reminiscent of how he remembers her, how she was a lifetime ago. Some things never change. "Yeah," she replies with a smile on her face, "Sure. Let me grab a jacket and throw some shoes on. Come inside for a minute."

And Levi obeys, stepping into the house, allowing Hanji close the door behind him. "I'll be just a moment," she says, and at that, she's dashing into another room, leaving Levi alone in the foyer of her home. He stands just inside the doorway for a moment, awkward and stiff, but after a few long seconds, he decides to take a step forward, in the direction that Hanji had gone, toward the living room. Before long, Levi finds himself stepping into the warmly lit room as he waits.

He strolls past the mostly empty coffee table situated in the middle of the room, dirty rings from wet cups and dust staining the glass, and toward the well-used looking bookcase situated on the other end of the room, the top couple of shelves lined with framed photos and trophies. As Levi nears the bookcase, he notices that most of the photos are of Hanji on horseback, with people that he doesn't recognize - most likely her friends and family - but one photo in particular stands out to him and he can't help but reach out for it, picking it up off of the shelf. It's of the three of them - Hanji, Erwin and himself - standing together outside, in front of a lake in the warm looking afternoon sun. It's odd, looking down at the casual photo of the three of them - Hanji in a bathing suit and long board-shorts, Erwin shirtless, hair wet, wide smile spread across his face, and even himself clad in shorts and a tank top offering a small, reluctant smile at the camera behind dark sunglasses. They all look so carefree, so happy. So unlike the way that Levi remembers them. And it's with a sharp pang that he's reminded that he doesn't remember when the photo was taken, and above everything else, he wishes he could.

"That was a year ago, I believe," Hanji says, joining Levi in the living room. He jumps slightly at her sudden presence and turns to glance in her direction. She smiles, only a few feet behind him, and if Levi didn't know any better, he'd say it was the _old_ Hanji standing in front of him with her hair pulled up like always, tan jacket thrown over her shoulders.

"My birthday," she continues, smiling, "We went to Lake George. My sister was pissed that she couldn't be in the picture, but I wanted one with the two of you."

Levi starts at the word _sister_ \- and silently wonders if she had one in her past life, too - but manages to reign himself in, looking down at the photo again. "It's weird," he finds himself muttering absentmindedly.

"What is?" Hanji asks from behind him.

And he wants to say something about seeing them like that - in shorts, tank tops, smiling out in the warm summer sun, looking so carefree, but he holds his tongue. "Nothing."

Thankfully, Hanji seems to drop the subject and Levi puts the photo back in its rightful place, and before long, they're climbing into her car and heading toward town. It only takes about fifteen minutes before she's pulling up in front of a tiny little coffee shop, shooting Levi a reassuring smile and promising that the food is great.

The first few minutes after sitting down in the coffee shop are a little awkward, and there's nothing that Levi can to do to change that. After all, he can't just flat out ask Hanji if she remembers her past life, if she has dreams about titans or walls or the brats that they had to look out for. Instead, he settles with small talk. They order food and get a couple of drinks and after a few minutes, Levi settles into his chair.

"So..." he tries, attempting to start _some_ form of conversation, "What do you do?"

"I train horses at a nearby stable," Hanji replies with a smile.

Levi raises his eyebrows, "Really?" Truthfully, that shouldn't catch Levi off guard. After all, Hanji was always good with the horses. She was better with _most_ creatures, as long as they weren’t human.

She nods, grin widening. "Yeah. Turns out rich yuppies can't communicate with their horses very well, and I've always been better with animals than I have been with people, so I took advantage of it."

Levi snorts out a laugh at the truth in her words. "Makes sense," he can't help but mutter out in response.

Hanji shoots him a confused look over the table, but after a moment, it turns into something a little more familiar. A smirk settles over her lips and she leans forward on her elbows. "I always try to get you and Erwin to come ride when they're out of town," she says, voice careful, "but you never do."

"Shame," Levi mutters, taking a sip of his coffee, "I love horses."

Hanji raises her eyebrows in response, "Really? I've never heard you say _that_ before. It's usually something about the way they smell or how dirty they are."

Levi laughs. He should have seen that coming, but _god_ , what he'd give to be on horseback again. At least it would be something familiar. "I guess we're both learning new things about one another," he says at last.

Hanji offers him a smile in response. "I guess so."

The conversation tapers out after that as the waiter brings their food, and for a few minutes, Levi is okay with the silence. It's comfortable, familiar, sitting across from Hanji, eating with her, even if the circumstances are different. It's something oddly comforting, though, especially in a world of things that Levi just can't seem to remember.

It isn't until he's almost done eating that Levi finally opens his mouth to say something, but Hanji beats him to the punch. She's quick to speak, and her words are blunt, simple. "Levi, why did you come to my house today?"

Levi is taken aback by the question, though. He glances up at Hanji, studying her, trying to understand what she's getting at. "I told you," he starts, "I-"

"I know what you told me," she retorts simply, "But what's the _real_ reason?"

Levi eyes her for a moment, trying to understand, trying to figure out if it's the Hanji that he _knows_ that he's speaking to, or the Hanji from this lifetime. He sighs when it becomes too difficult, settling with an answer that will hopefully appease either version. "Besides Erwin, you're the only person around here that I feel comfortable around," he answers, "And it gets boring alone in that house and I just - I feel like-"

"Like you know me," Hanji finishes with a knowing smile.

"Yeah," Levi mutters in return.

Hanji leans forward on the table at that, goofy grin spread across her face and whispers, like she’s telling Levi a secret, "That's because you _do_."

And Levi can't help but fall into old habits at that, rolling his eyes, cracking a small smile. Under his breath, just barely loud enough to hear, he mumbles, " _Shitty four-eyes._ "

"What?" Hanji's voice snaps him out of it and immediately, Levi looks up, eyes wide.

"Nothing," he manages to mumble in response.

* * *

Lunch is over before long and the conversation quickly dies out. After all, there's only so much the two of them have to talk about before they run dry, because no matter how much Levi may remember from his old life, he still doesn't remember Hanji - one of his best friends - from this one. He doesn't remember her sister or her family or the horse stable that she works at, and it's hard to hold a conversation with such an old friend when they can't talk about any of the things that he _does_ remember. 

Levi finds himself climbing out of Hanji's car in his own driveway later that afternoon. And to his surprise, she climbs out of the car as well, walking around to his side to envelop him in a hug before he has the chance to argue it. When she pulls away, it's with a small, cautious smile as if she's worried that she's overstepped some invisible line. "See you around?"

Levi smiles a small, tight smile in response, "Yeah."

To be honest, he can't help the way that his hope fades at their goodbye. He supposes that he may have put too much hope in Hanji. What did he expect? If Erwin couldn’t remember their old life, why would Hanji?

Hell, maybe he _is_ just going crazy.

Head swarming, thoughts nagging at the back of his mind, Levi turns to walk toward the house at that. He'll go home with plenty to think about, to keep him occupied until Erwin returns, until he has to decide what to do - what to say.

And with all of the thoughts swarming around in Levi's head, he doesn't notice when a car door doesn't shut, when Hanji doesn't start her vehicle right away. Instead, it's her _voice_ that shakes him out of his thoughts. And it's a specific _word_ that makes him freeze right on the spot.

_"Captain!"_

Levi turns on his heel, a reflex at the word before he really registers what it means. Before he sees the knowing smirk spread across Hanji's face at his reaction. Because _of course_ she fucking remembers. She wouldn't have been acting the way she was if she didn't.

And Levi is left speechless. His jaw hangs open, heart racing, because _he's not going crazy._ If Hanji can remember, so can Erwin.

He goes to take a step forward, to say something, _anything_ to her, but she just waves at him from the other side of the car, smirk widening into a toothy grin. "It was good seeing you," she calls.

And Levi can't help the smile that settles over his face in response before he nods in return. "You too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally wasn't going to write this chapter, but I thought it would be nice and reassuring for Levi to know that he's not the only one who remembers, and who better to remember as well besides Hanji!?
> 
> I'm really really excited to share the next chapter with you guys. This is finally starting to slowly come to a close, and as bittersweet as it is, I'm really stoked for you guys to read these last few chapters. 
> 
> (Also, I'm not gonna lie, I would probably cry if someone drew the photograph in this chapter. I mean, Hanji, Levi and Erwin in bathing suits. Come on... haha)


	10. You're All I've Ever Known

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _How can I forget you_  
>  _The memories come and go_  
>  _You’re all I've ever wanted_  
>  _You’re all I've ever known_  
>  \- [Only You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1rjnnx4h0RU) \- Matthew Perryman Jones  
>  
> 
> First off, I am SO sorry about the long wait in between updates! These last few weeks have been super hectic for me and on top of it, this is the longest chapter in this fic, and the one that I was most anxious about - so I had to make sure it was perfect. 
> 
> A HUGE thank you goes out to my lovely beta [Kelly](http://drummingmagpie.tumblr.com/) who somehow managed to get through this beast of a chapter for me and made it (especially Erwin's dialogue) even better! You're a saint and I love you
> 
> I'm super excited about this chapter, and I really really hope it was worth the wait! Thank you ALL so much for sticking with this!

The hardest part - aside from the fact that Levi still can't remember the past five years of this life, which is slowly becoming the norm for him - is deciding if he should say something to Erwin. And if he decides to, when? How?

_Hey, Erwin. I remember you now. Yeah, from our past life. Remember that? I died for you. No?_

Before his lunch with Hanji, before she revealed that she _does_ remember their past life, Levi would have been content to keep his mouth shut. He would have been content to live quietly with those memories stored away in the back of his head, the ones from the past five years also trapped in there, while he tries to create new ones _now_ with Erwin. He would have been happy to move on, to let his old life go, to live without saying anything to Erwin if it meant another chance - another chance at life with him.

Before everything that happened that afternoon, he would have been happy not to say anything about their old life to Erwin if it meant that he'd be able to spend the rest of _this one_ with him. Because back then, they'd never had the chance to settle down, to get a house together, _to get engaged._ Back then, they'd never had the time to love and live, but now they do, and Levi would have been okay with Erwin not knowing, not remembering that old life.

But now? Now, he's not so certain, because if Hanji can remember, Erwin can too, right?

In the couple of hours that Levi has to himself before Erwin comes home, he tries to sort everything out in his head, tries to make a decision.

Ultimately, he ends up giving in and calling Hanji in a moment of weakness. She answers after two rings.

"Hello, Levi-"

"Don't you _'Hello, Levi'_ me," he hisses into his phone, pacing the kitchen. It's only been about an hour since Hanji dropped him off - since she'd dropped the _Captain_ bomb on him - but it feels like it has been a lifetime. " _What the fuck_ , Hanji?" he bites at last, and yet, that only earns a sharp laugh from the other end of the call.

"It's good to have you back," she replies, as if it's all just one big joke.

"How long have you known?" Levi asks instead of dignifying her words with a response. Sometimes, Hanji can be a real pain in the ass. Well, a lot of the time. Levi curses himself for becoming so close with her in this life as well - why would he willingly torture himself like that?

"How long have I been able to remember?" she asks in return, avoiding the question. When Levi doesn't say anything in response, however, she sighs, apparently bored with his seriousness. "I remembered about a month after you guys moved in. But it was apparent that neither of you did, so I decided not to say anything."

" _Jesus_ ," Levi mutters, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose. "Is there anyone else?"

"Besides your entire old squad working at the art gallery?" she asks with a bit of humor in her voice, which quickly fades, "No. I haven't found anyone that remembers. Besides Mike, at least."

" _Mike_?" Levi asks, raising his eyebrows.

"Yeah," she replies, "He works with Erwin at the school. Says he's known since high school."

"Well shit," Levi mutters. He leans up against the kitchen counter, trying to relax. "So I'm not going crazy."

"You're not going crazy," Hanji confirms.

"But you don't think Erwin remembers..."

"I don't know," Hanji replies. He can practically hear her shrug through the phone, "I've never asked him. Maybe you should."

Levi bites out a bitter laugh. "Right. I should just up and ask him if he remembers our past life."

"That's what I said," Hanji shoots back, as if it's a no-brainer.

"And then if he doesn't? He'll think I'm insane. He's already worrying enough about me..."

"Then don't say anything," Hanji muses, "It's your call."

"You're no fucking help," Levi spits in return.

Hanji barks out a laugh. "That's what I'm here for." And for a moment, it's quiet. Levi almost wants to hang up on her, but at the same time, it's _Hanji_ and she remembers and so far, she's the only one. Not to mention, he’s sort of missed this banter between the two of them. "If you need me, you know I'm just a phone call away," she says after a few beats of silence, voice soft.

"You're just a few _houses_ away," Levi corrects lightly, "Why did we have to move so close to you?"

"You missed me," Hanji coos, and at that, Levi rolls his eyes.

"A little," he replies fondly, "Thank you, Hanji. I've got to go."

"Good luck!" she calls in return and at that, Levi is hanging up.

As much as Levi doesn't want to admit it, his call with Hanji helps him make his decision. After he gets off the phone with her, he quickly thumbs through his contacts, looking for Mike's name in the list of other people that he still can't seem to remember, but unfortunately, doesn't find it. He sighs, leaning up against the counter, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose. Mike would have been someone good to talk to - a little bit more soft spoken, but definitely no less opinionated than Hanji. He'd probably be a little more understanding, too, but without his number, Levi only has Hanji's words to help him. And in a weird way, they _do_ help, even if just a little.

After all, what does he have to lose? If he says something to Erwin and he doesn't remember anything, Levi can always just play stupid. He can always just make up an excuse - his head hurts, he's been having vivid dreams because of his pain medication, anything. The worst thing that could happen is Erwin won't remember. And from there, Levi knows he'll be able to move on. It'll be hard, but he'll be able to deal with it. Actually, it would kind of make them even, in some fucked up kind of way - Erwin can remember their life together here, and Levi can remember the life _before_.

 _Yeah_ , he thinks, he should say something.

But how? Unfortunately, Levi doesn't have much time to come up with the _how_. Or the _when_. Within another couple of hours, Erwin is walking through the front door, stomping snow off of his boots and shooting Levi a small, tentative smile as he walks into the living room where he sits in front of the television, fingers curled around a cup of hot chocolate. It had started snowing shortly after he got home from lunch, and he couldn't remember where the thermostat was in the house.

"How was your day?" Erwin asks, reaching behind the television to flip a switch. Within seconds, the heat on the house is turning on and Levi is sighing.

"So _that's_ where it was," he mutters.

Erwin offers an apologetic smile, "Sorry, I should have told you."

"It's okay," Levi reassures quickly. "My uh - my day was good. I went out to lunch with Hanji."

Erwin raises his eyebrows and, after a moment, he doesn't try to hide the way his smile widens. "How was that?"

"Good," Levi offers lightly. While his head swarms with things he wants to say -

_She called me Captain, do you remember when I was your Captain, Erwin? She remembers our old life, just like I do._

\- he holds the words back. It can wait. After all, he isn't certain as to exactly what it is that he wants to say or how he wants to bring it up. Instead, Levi takes a deep breath, nodding to himself. "I thought it would be good for me to try to get back into old routines."

Ewrin nods, taking a seat on the chair opposite of Levi, pulling off his scarf and draping it on the arm of the sofa. "Usually it was _her_ hassling you to go out, but that's good," he replies, smiling. "She behaved herself?"

Levi can't help but crack a smile at that. He nods, "Yeah, thankfully."

And, for a moment, things feel good between them. Things feel familiar. For a moment, Levi can imagine having this conversation with Erwin decades ago, over a cup of shitty tea that the government had decided to throw their way, the same shitty tea that Erwin lets him write off as a Survey Corps expense. It's easy to imagine Erwin in uniform, poised, eyes hard, only relaxing when Levi would reach out to touch him. For a moment, Levi wants to fall into an old, familiar routine with Erwin - it would be easy. It would be something he _knows_.

But then he's shaking himself out of it. The moment is over and Erwin's brows are furrowing as he watches Levi's expression change. "Is everything okay?" he asks, suddenly concerned. It almost makes Levi want to laugh, because while Erwin certainly cared about him in their past life, and while Erwin had been concerned for him at times, he never let it show, not like he does now. It's _different_ , seeing Erwin so _soft_ , so light-hearted, easy going. But instead of laughing, instead of offering up some snarky comment that Erwin would have found endearing in their old life (and maybe in this one) he just nods, face hard.

"Yeah, it’s fine..." he mutters. And then, after a beat of silence, he decides to open up a little bit, decides to let his mask slip, even if just a small amount. "I wish I could remember this," he says, glancing up to meet eyes with Erwin for a second before gesturing around the room, "All of this."

Erwin offers him a small, tight smile. His hands move, as if to touch Levi, to comfort him, but he stops himself, as usual. Instead of reaching out for Levi's hand or arm or knee, he folds his hands neatly in his lap, leaving Levi aching for his touch. "I know," he breathes at last, voice somber, "I wish you could too."

It’s at that moment that Levi decides he needs to say something. He needs to know if Erwin remembers, even if just a little bit. He needs to know if he's really alone in this, despite Hanji and Mike. He needs _Erwin_.

He opens his mouth to say something, anything, but Erwin is moving at that, standing. "I was thinking chicken parmesan for dinner," Erwin announces, clearly trying to change the subject, to get rid of the somber mood. "Are you hungry?"

While Levi doesn't move, still frozen in spot on the couch, thoughts swarming through his head, he manages a quick, short nod. "Yeah," he mutters, "Yeah, that sounds good." And he decides that for a little while, he can put things off.

Dinner is mostly quiet. It's obvious that the two of them are still dancing around one another - Erwin around the kiss and Levi around his memories - and for the majority of the meal, they're at a stalemate. Levi makes small remarks about the food (it's fucking delicious and if he knew Erwin could cook, he would have made him do it all the time back in the Corps) and Erwin smiles, accepting the compliment, but for the most part, it's quiet. Regardless of the fact that Levi remembers Erwin from a lifetime ago, he's still uncertain as to how to make small talk with him in this world, so he doesn't say much. But deep in the back of his mind, Levi wishes he had something to say. Even if Erwin had always been the one to initiate their conversations, he'd kill for any kind of dialogue right now. Any kind of connection.

And then he looks up. He's been picking through the remainders of his food for the past couple of minutes, nearly full, mind busy, but when Levi glances up from his plate, his eyes meet Erwin's and, for lack of a better term, time seems to stand still. For a moment, Levi lets himself marvel in how familiar it is, looking at Erwin, those blue eyes staring back at him. He allows himself to get lost in the brief gaze, breath catching in his throat, and then, as Erwin is looking away, Levi's mouth gets the best of him. He doesn't necessarily _mean_ to say it, but it's on his mind and _it's so fucking quiet_ , so he can't help the way that the question tumbles out, unexpected and unfiltered.

"Do you believe in past lives?"

It wasn't the way that he wanted to go about talking about things - or _trying_ to talk about things - but they're the words that came out of his mouth, and as soon as they're on the table, Levi can't take them back. He swallows hard, waiting for Erwin's response, which comes fairly quickly.

"Past lives?" Erwin echoes, "You mean something like reincarnation?"

Levi nods. He spears a small piece of chicken and shoves it in his mouth to mask his nerves.

Erwin watches him for a moment, head cocked slightly to the side, as if Levi is a puzzle that he's trying to figure out. His brows furrow, and when he eventually seems to get lost, he gives up, shrugging. "I’m not sure," he muses, voice light, easy, "I’ve never given it much thought. Why do you ask?"

Levi coughs, shrugging in return, feigning indifference. It's an act he's played for ages, but, to his dismay, Erwin doesn't buy it.

He leans forward on the table, eyes suddenly concerned, as they seem to be a lot of the time in this life. "Levi, what have you been thinking about?" he asks, and Levi almost wants to laugh out loud at the question, not only because he doesn't even know where to begin, but because Erwin is exactly the same in this lifetime. Because he was always the only person who could crack Levi's code - who would be able to figure out when he was lying, when he wanted to talk, when he wanted to be left alone.

And right now, Levi wants to talk, even if he doesn't want to admit it. Even if it's hard. He chews on his lip for a moment, watching Erwin from across the table, trying to decide what to say. Because this is where he needs to play it safe - where he needs to tread lightly. He’s either going to find out that Erwin remembers, or he's not, and if it's the latter, he has to be careful not to push him away.

Because he'd be devastated if he lost Erwin, especially so soon after remembering everything...

He shakes his head after a long moment of silence. "You'll think I'm insane."

But still, Erwin's response is swift, easy. "I’d never.”

Levi sighs at that, leaning forward on the table. He scrubs his hands over his face, messing his hair in the process, but that's the least of his worries. Honestly, he hadn't planned on having this conversation this way. Not now, not like this. Not when it's _so_ obvious that Erwin doesn't remember. In fact, Levi has half a mind to tell him to just forget about it - that it's nothing.

But on the other hand, Levi can't say no. He can't afford to push him away any further. Erwin's already obviously terrified of pressing to hard, pushing too far, and Levi knows that if he shuts him out now, there will be plenty more evenings like tonight. Evenings with little to no conversation or eye contact - moments where Erwin wants to reach out and touch him but holds back, even though Levi wants nothing more than to feel Erwin's skin on his own.

If he shuts Erwin out now, there's a chance that it might be for good. As resilient as the other man is, there's only so much he can take. So, despite the fact that there's a little voice in the back of Levi's head telling him that this might be a bad idea - that it might be too much - he takes a deep breath.

"You know those weird dreams I've been having lately?" he starts off with, glancing up at Erwin behind worried eyes.

The other man nods from across the table "What about them?"

"What if they’re not dreams?” Levi asks. It’s rhetorical, of course, he knows the answer, but he has to say it. Before Erwin has a chance to say anything or question him, he’s continuing.

“They're vivid - just as vivid as my memory of the accident, if not more so," he says, taking another deep breath. "When I was out the other day in the hospital, I had more of them. You were there, so was Hanji. It was just... They felt so _real._ I felt like I had been out for weeks, living it. I could tell you everything in precise detail - my life there, your life there, our friends... _Everything_."

"Wow," Erwin mutters after a beat of silence, "I wasn’t expecting something quite like that." He rubs a hand over his face, leaning forward on the table, but he doesn't go anywhere. He doesn't divert his eyes - doesn't take them off of Levi.

"I know," Levi sighs in response. "But... I remember you. I remember _meeting_ you in this other life, so to speak. I remember everything - I could tell you _everything_ , Erwin. I just... I can't remember this one."

Erwin takes a deep breath at that, finally looking away from Levi. And for a minute, it's silent. Levi doesn't keep talking and Erwin doesn't say anything in response. He also doesn't go anywhere, though, or do anything, so Levi tries to take that as a good sign. He gives him time to process it, time to think.

After a moment, Erwin stands, taking his plate to the sink and after a few seconds of sitting at the table alone, Levi decides to follow suit. He picks up his own dishes and brings them to the sink, handing them to Erwin who silently takes them and begins to rinse them off. Still, the other man doesn't say anything to him. Instead, his brows are pulled together, his face hard, as if deep in thought.

Maybe it had been too much. Maybe he shouldn't have said anything, because it's obvious - _it's been obvious_ \- that Erwin doesn't remember, not in the way that Levi does. They might have their little familiar moments, and Erwin may love him in this life, but he doesn't remember. How could Levi expect him to understand? How could Levi expect-

"So..." Erwin says at last, cutting Levi's thoughts short. He looks up from the sink, eyes meeting Erwin's again, and when the other man speaks, what he says catches Levi by surprise, though Erwin's never been an easy one to predict. "Suppose reincarnation is something a person can experience..."

Levi nods, quick and shallow, waiting for him to go on. While he's certain that he probably sounds insane to Erwin, he's at least grateful that he'll humor him. That he'll at least consider it.

"How does one regain memories from a past life?" he asks at last, voice quiet, tentative. It's a tone that Levi's never really heard him use before. He’s so unsure, so uncertain. It’s odd, seeing Erwin like this.

He shrugs. "I don't know. Obviously, I don't remember if I'd been having dreams like this before the accident-"

"You’ve never mentioned anything like this to me before now," Erwin replies quickly.

"Okay," Levi nods, "Then maybe the accident jogged my memory?"

"What about the kiss?" Erwin suggests, shrugging.

Levi can't help but crack a smile at that. And while it's a serious conversation, he can't help but flirt back. Can’t help but mutter out, "Are you offering?"

Erwin smiles, and it's something fond, soft, but still he shakes his head, "I don't want to push you."

"But you're willing to listen to my crazy theories," Levi argues softly. He turns to lean up against the kitchen counter, watching Erwin carefully.

The smile remains, but Erwin shakes his head, as if Levi is missing the point. "Levi," he murmurs, "Even though your MRI came back clean, you collapsed and blacked out right here not even forty-eight hours ago. I don’t want to rule anything out at this point, not even vivid dreams that may be memories. I owe this to you."

The corners of Levi's lips turn up into a small smile. For the first time in two days, he doesn't filter himself. "You've always been the rational one…” he murmurs fondly, and at that, Erwin raises his eyebrows. Before he has a chance to question Levi's words, though, Levi is speaking again. "So should we try the kiss thing out?"

Erwin opens his mouth to argue, "But last time-"

"It’s manageable," Levi interrupts, shrugging, "It's worth a shot."

Erwin takes a step forward at that, despite the hesitation in his eyes, despite the fact that his hands remain at his sides, fingers twitching where they ache to reach out to Levi. His eyes lower as they dance over Levi's face, making sure that it's okay. "Are you sure?" he asks softly, and Levi can't help the way he nods in return, chewing on his bottom lip, voice lost in his own throat. Because ever since he woke up in that hospital bed, he's been longing for those lips, for Erwin's touch, and now he’s so close.

Time seems to slow down at that, as Erwin finally reaches out, one hand coming up to brush the hair out of Levi's face, his palm resting gently on his cheek. The touch sends sparks through Levi's skin, makes him tremble, eyes slipping closed.

"I don’t want you to feel obligated to do this," Erwin murmurs voice low, suddenly very close to Levi, "Just tell me, and I'll stop."

Once again, Levi manages a short nod. He's certain that if he opened his eyes, Erwin would be right there, right in front of him, blue eyes staring into his own, so, despite his nerves, that's exactly what he does. He opens his eyes, and sure enough, his gaze meets Erwin’s. And sure enough, time seems to stand still.

And then, Erwin is moving, ever so slowly, dipping down until Levi arches up, pressing their lips together.

Levi can't help the way that he sighs out shakily through his nose at the sudden contact, his right hand reaching up to wrap around Erwin's wrist, keeping him securely in place, while his left finds its place in Erwin's hair, carding gently through blonde locks until it comes to rest at the base of his neck. He lets himself lean into the kiss, to press up against Erwin, to _feel_ him, like he's been aching to do now for the past few days - for the past few _weeks_ , if he's being honest.

And thankfully, Erwin isn't shy. He never has been. Sensing the way that Levi's body relaxes against his own, Erwin takes it as a good sign, reaching up to cup Levi's face with his other hand as they kiss - as they've done a hundred times before. Behind closed eyes, Erwin remembers the first time they'd kissed in this house - it had been in the kitchen, just like this, as they were moving their things in. Levi had been complaining about the size of the place - " _it's way too big, Erwin, we'll never be able to fill it" -_ when finally, after an entire afternoon of moving their things in, he sighed, agreeing that it was a good place, that he was happy to be moving in with Erwin. And Erwin hadn't been able to contain his joy; he swept Levi off of his feet right in the middle of the kitchen, pulling him up into a long, passionate kiss. And while Erwin doesn't lift Levi up now like he had before, for fear of it being too much, he _does_ feel the same passion there - the same happiness.

Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he wonders if Levi is right - if maybe they did know one another in a past life. Because they've always clicked so well, have always been on the same page about nearly everything, have always been in synch with one another. Maybe they _were_ together in another life, because Levi is pressing up against him like he _knows_ him, but he doesn't remember the past few years of this life, so maybe... 

Erwin's thoughts are suddenly cut short when Levi's mouth opens, when he leans into the kiss, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth, and Erwin can't help the way he gasps in return. He can't help the way that his hand cards through Levi's raven hair, thumb rubbing soothing patterns into his scalp when it finally comes to rest at the back of his head.

And then suddenly, Levi is pulling away. Initially, Erwin panics, worried that the same thing is going to happen again - that it was too much for Levi - but when he steps back to look the smaller man in the eyes, all he's met with is a small smile, love and passion and lust spilling over Levi's otherwise usually emotionless grays.

"Levi," Erwin breaths. He reaches out for Levi reflexively, not stopping himself this time, his hand finding its place on the smaller man's hip. "Are you okay?"

And thankfully, Levi doesn't shy away from the contact. Instead, his smile widens. He ducks his head, nodding, his own hand coming to rest over Erwin's, fingers running softly against his knuckles. "Yeah," he murmurs, "Yeah, I'm good."

Erwin smiles in response, taking a tentative step forward, back into Levi's space. While they've been dancing around one another for weeks, ever since Levi got out of the hospital, and while they're still dancing now, it feels more natural. Easy. This is a dance that Erwin is used to, one he can work with. "Good," he murmurs in response.

To his surprise - because Levi is _always_ full of surprises - Levi is the one to suddenly close the gap between them, his free hand snaking around Erwin's waist, pulling him close. "Erwin?" he whispers, voice tentative, unsure, quiet. He looks up through thick lashes, their eyes meeting, "Don't stop."

And at that, Erwin is moving. At that, he's dipping down, one hand on Levi's waist, his other on his face, and he's pressing their lips together again, this time with more purpose, more urgency. And thankfully, Levi matches the pace, both of his arms coming up to wrap around his neck.

This time, Erwin _does_ scoop Levi up, gentle and simple and easy, and the sudden movement earns a little yelp from the smaller man. Levi pulls away for just a second, eyes now level with Erwin's, and he shoots him a smirk before closing the gap again, kissing Erwin fiercely, arms tightening their grip around him.

For a moment, things are back to normal - for the both of them. It’s easy for Erwin to imagine that this is any other day, that he'd just come home from a long day at work and Levi had gotten home early and had been missing him, because things like this would happen on most days like that. Because sometimes, they don't make it all the way to the bedroom before Levi start's pulling clothes off, anxious and nervous and frustrated. For a moment, Erwin allows himself to get lost in Levi's taste, his touch, his smell.

And Levi allows the memories to wash over him - remembers how he and Erwin were able to sneak away together like this before everything went to hell. He allows himself to imagine that this is one of the weekends that Erwin took him to his house - his childhood home - so they could be alone, just for a little while. Where Erwin would cook him breakfast and kiss him in the kitchen with the windows open like he didn't care who saw. For a moment, Levi allows himself to imagine that, but then shakes the image out of his head.

No, this is much better than then. This time, Levi doesn't have to worry about any important higher-ups seeing them together - doesn't have to worry about the constant threat of titans looming over them at every second of every day. Before, Levi was lucky if he and Erwin got the chance to steal some time together once or twice a week, but now they have as much time as they need. Now, Levi can press into Erwin slowly, can really savor his taste, his touch, the way he kisses. He doesn't have to worry about when he'll see Erwin again - _if_ he'll see Erwin again.

At the thought, Levi can't help the way he pulls away from the kiss, leaning in to press his face into the crook of Erwin's neck. He takes in a deep breath, eyes closed, and smiles to himself, really allowing everything to sink in. _He has Erwin_. Somehow, even though neither of them had known before, they'd found one another in this lifetime, and _they have it so good._ They have a house and a _life_ together and there's a ring sitting on his bedside table and suddenly, Levi can't help the wave of emotions that wash over him because they have _everything_ in this life that they couldn’t have in their last one. Because somehow, it's everything he never knew he wanted and more, and Levi has no idea what he did to deserve it.

Erwin lowers him to the floor after a moment of silence, eyes concerned once more as he looks down at Levi. "Are you-"

"I'm great," Levi replies with a smile on his face before Erwin has a chance to finish his question, stepping forward and reaching out to take Erwin's right hand.

And Erwin offers him a smile in return, reaching up with his free hand to brush a stray hair out of his face. "Good," he murmurs softly, "I’m glad."

Levi leans into the touch, into the feeling of Erwin's palm on his cheek. And then, after a moment, he's speaking, voice soft, low, a secret whispered into Erwin’s ear, "Can we go upstairs?"

To be honest, he feels a little nervous when he asks the question, but he gets it out before he has a chance to talk himself out of it, before he can think that maybe it's too much, too fast.

Erwin raises his eyebrows, body stilling for a moment. His eyes dart over Levi's face quickly. "Is that what you want?" he asks in return, and at the question, Levi feels himself nodding without hesitation.

"Yeah," he murmurs softly, and really that's all it takes. Erwin is swallowing hard at that, nodding, and without another word, Levi is turning to lead the way out of the kitchen and toward the stairs. He reaches his hand out behind him, and it only takes a moment before Erwin is taking it, following him quickly up the steps.

Once they're in the bedroom - _their_ bedroom - Erwin shuts the door behind him, taking a few steps forward until he's cupping Levi's face in his hands, and Levi is pliant beneath him. His bones seem to turn to liquid at the look - the heat - in Erwin's eyes, and his knees feel weak when the other man speaks. "Tell me if any of this is too much," Erwin murmurs, voice just barely above a whisper, though it sounds loud in Levi's ears, "I don't want to overwhelm you or make you feel as if you have to do this."

"You won't," Levi returns almost immediately, gazing up at Erwin "I want this."

And at that, Erwin is dipping down again, kissing Levi once more. Only this time, there's more urgency to it. This time, Erwin kisses how he used to in their past life - he takes the lead, strong and steady and sure, and Levi is reduced to putty in his hands, muscles weak, heart hammering. He kisses back just as fiercely, though, and moves easily as Erwin begins backing him toward the bed, slowly but surely.

They part once more when Levi's legs hit the frame of the bed, and when they do, Levi wastes no time in pulling his shirt up and over his head, uncharacteristically tossing it onto the floor because it's been _too long_ since he's been able to kiss Erwin, touch Erwin, feel Erwin. He has him now, but he's so used to moving fast, to rushing, that Erwin actually reaches out just after Levi tosses his shirt to the floor, just as he's about to undo his pants, and grabs his hands to stop him. Levi starts at the contact, head shooting up, worried that he's done something wrong, but by the low-lidded look in Erwin's eyes, he hasn't. Not really.

"Slow down," Erwin murmurs, voice soft, gentle. He steps forward just slightly, thumbs softly rubbing circles into Levi's skin. "There’s no need to rush, okay? We have all the time in the world."

And Levi nods at that. He takes a deep breath, willing himself to calm, to slow down. Because this _isn't_ their past life. They share a house and a bed and they don't have the constant threat of war or death looming over their heads. All they have is _time_ , and plenty of it. So Levi listens. He slows down.

"Sorry," he murmurs, taking a slow step forward, into Erwin's space once more, "Just anxious."

Erwin smiles in return and it's soft and understanding. "It's okay," he breaths, leaning down as if to kiss Levi, but he lets his lips linger in the air, just barely out of reach. "I am too."

And while the words make Levi want to laugh - Erwin, _nervous?_ \- he can't. Not with the low-lidded look in Erwin's eyes. Not with the way that their lips just barely brush when he speaks. Instead, Levi wordlessly leans up at that, pressing his lips to Erwin’s, kissing him again, slow and deep, because they have the time.

Every movement feels natural, after that. Every step that they take, every move that they make feels like a dance, and one that they've been doing for years. And hell, it probably is. For Levi, it feels easy kissing Erwin like this, slow and gentle, taking his time. It's nice, being able to take a breath, to slow down and really appreciate the way that Erwin feels under his hands, pressed against his body. And for Erwin, it feels easy, familiar, with Levi underneath him, arching up into his touch. While he doesn't kiss quite the same as he used to - his movements are a little rushed, a little jerky at times - he's still very much _Levi_. He still bites playfully at Erwin's lip between kisses and he still smirks slightly when Erwin pushes him down onto the bed, gazing up at him with lust filled eyes, glancing over his bare chest when Erwin finally pulls his own shirt off.

It isn't until Erwin is on top of Levi, pressing him slightly into the mattress, panting just ever so slightly, that he finally speaks again. And if it were any other time, Levi _might_ smack him. "We don't have to do any further -" he starts, pausing for a second to gather his thoughts. "That is, I understand if you don't want to."

Levi bites out a sharp laugh instead of smacking him, though, head falling back onto the mattress. "Erwin," he murmurs, voice low, husky, because it always gets this way when they're like this, "If I didn't want this, you would know."

Erwin offers a soft smile, "I know, but we ha-"

"But nothing," Levi argues gently, cutting him off mid-protest. "I want this," he insists, as if it needs saying. He arches his hips up at that, his hardness pressing obviously into Erwin by the way that the other man's eyes widen slightly. "I want _you_ ," Levi says, and the last word actually comes out as a half-moan. He doesn't mean for it to happen, but the friction is nice and Erwin's face is flushed, and he'd be lying if he said he wasn't dying for the other man's touch.

Thankfully, Erwin seems to take the hint. He nods, leaning in low at that to mouth at Levi's neck. "Tell me if anything is too much for you," he insists, lips brushing against skin.

"It won't be," Levi counters, and at that, he's arching up again, breathing heavily into Erwin's ear in return. " _Please_ , Erwin."

And _that_ seems to do the trick.Within seconds, Erwin is grinding his own hips down, mouth latched onto the sensitive skin below Levi's ear, and Levi is gasping out, fingers gripping onto Erwin's shoulders, arms, anything he can reach. For a moment, it seems all too good to be true for Levi - for both of them.

For Levi, it's hard to believe that it's actually Erwin, _his Erwin_ pressing him down into the soft mattress, in their comfortable, dimly lit bedroom. It's hard to believe that they have the time for this - that Erwin has the time to take him apart slowly, hands sliding down his sides, thumbs hooking on his jeans, pulling them down just barely, teasingly. It's almost too good to be true, because in their past life, they were always rushing, always had to take things so fast, that they didn't have the time for things like this. They didn't have time to kiss like they are, Erwin's tongue swiping slow and deep into Levi's mouth, his taste lingering even after he pulls away for a moment to look down at him, small smile playing on his lips.

And for Erwin, it's hard to believe that this is happening - that they're where they are now, because a week ago, he'd been absolutely terrified that he was going to lose Levi. But right now, the smaller man is writhing underneath him, hips stuttering up when Erwin's fingers brush the button of his jeans. And it's still Levi, _his_ Levi underneath him. Even if he doesn't remember him - at least not in this life - he still kisses Erwin the same, still sighs out the same way when Erwin presses the heel of his palm just barely into his crotch, still somehow knows just the right spot on Erwin's neck to nip gently to get the perfect reaction from him, when he leans down again.

It's too good to be true, yet it is, and that's what has Erwin leaning down eventually, kissing down Levi's chest and stomach, scooting down the bed until he's eye-level with the other man's hips. His fingers toy with the top of his jeans again as he smiles up at Levi through-lidded eyes. "Levi-" he starts, but doesn't get to finish.

"If you ask me if it's okay one more time, I swear to God-" Levi bites out, but his voice is breathy, all venom lost in his tone, and Erwin takes the hint.

Instead of saying anything, he's quickly unbuttoning Levi's jeans and sliding them down his legs along with his underwear in one easy motion. He can't help the way that he leans in after the clothes hit the floor, either, mouthing along Levi's inner thighs, teeth nipping gently on the sensitive skin in all the right places - just enough to make Levi squirm underneath him, fingers reaching out for his hair, shoulders, _anything_ he can hold on to _._ His hands finally come to rest on the back of Erwin's head, fingers gently running through the short hairs as he gazes down at him, mouth parted, eyes low.

Erwin opens his mouth as if to say something when their eyes meet, but after a moment, he closes it, deciding instead to dip his head down to lick an unexpected broad stripe up the underside of Levi's cock. The action earns a gasp from him, and his fingers tighten in Erwin's hair. " _Fuck_ , Erwin-" he sighs, head falling back on the mattress.

But just as quickly as the sensation is there, it's gone. Within seconds, Erwin is standing, murmuring out a soft " _hold on_ ," and crossing the room to rummage through a dresser drawer, returning after a moment with a small bottle of lube in his hands and curious eyes when he looks down at Levi, who simply smiles in return.

"Let me know if I go too fast," Erwin breaths as he takes his place near Levi's hips again, and while Levi wants to reply with something snarky, he keeps his mouth shut, nodding tightly because it _has_ been a while, and he appreciates Erwin's concern. Even in this life, Erwin thinks of him first, and just the thought makes his heart swell. His fingers grip onto the sheets as Erwin tugs on his hips, pulling him closer.

Before long, Erwin is mouthing at Levi's thighs again, while one of his slick fingers presses up against his entrance, and Levi can't help but lift his hips up into the touch, anxious and impatient. Normally, Erwin would already be pressing two fingers into him while he bit his lips and toughed it out, grinding his ass against the touch because the press of his cock would be worth it. In another life, Erwin wouldn't be so gentle - not because he didn't want to be, or because he didn't have it in him, but because they didn't have the time. Everything was so _life or death_ that sometimes, a quick fuck was just what they needed to remind them that they were still alive.

But now, Erwin presses into him slowly, easing one finger inside at a torturous pace, face nuzzled against the warmth of Levi's thigh, free hand holding the weight of his hips up. Now, the pressure is just enough, slow and easy, but Levi feels overwhelmed because he wants more, _needs more_ \- needs to feel Erwin. He arches up against the touch, pressing back against the finger, and the action earns a playful nip at his inner thigh. But before long, Erwin complies, pressing a second, and eventually a third inside, thrusting and crooking until Levi is writhing underneath him, reaching up to grab at his arms impatiently.

Eventually, Erwin pulls away with one last kiss to Levi's thigh. Despite the impatient whine (Levi will deny the noise later, though) from the man underneath him, he sits up, hands dropping to undo his own pants. And within moments, they - and his underwear - are joining Levi's at the foot of the bed.

It really only takes a moment before Erwin is kneeling between Levi's legs again, but it feels like an eternity to Levi, as he watches the other man pull his remaining clothes off. Once Erwin is kneeling in front of him, though, Levi is quick to move. Before the other man can do anything else - and even though Levi really wants nothing more than for Erwin to be inside of him already - he sits up, catching Erwin's face between his hands, and kisses him, fast and passionate and deep. Immediately, he feels the other man relax against him and he smiles into the kiss before pulling away, pressing his forehead against Erwin's.

"Ready?" Erwin breaths against him, and while, somewhere deep down, Levi feels like a teenager - like it's his first time all over again - he nods against Erwin almost immediately.

Within moments, Levi is scooting backward on the bed, up until his head hits the pillows, to give Erwin enough room. His cock feels heavy with lust between his legs and his heart hammers in his chest with both nerves and excitement, and the way that Erwin watches at him as he crawls across the mattress, over his body, only makes both of those things worse.

As Erwin positions himself between his legs, Levi tries to remember the last time they really fucked like this, back when things were a lot more complicated than they are now. After Erwin lost his arm, Levi usually rode him - though the strain on his leg was a hassle, it was better than the alternative, and it usually got the job done easier. But even before that, they'd usually fuck against the wall, on Erwin's desk, on the floors, hell, even once or twice in the stables after a mission. It was few and far between, however, that they had the chance to take things slow in bed like this, and even when they did, it felt like too much to Levi - too intimate, too real. It reminded him of the possibility of losing Erwin at any given moment.

Now, however, as Erwin presses into him slowly, head hung low, eyes closed, it's perfect. Levi pushes back into the touch, into the pressure of Erwin's cock filling him up, arms reaching up to touch or grasp any inch of Erwin's skin possible, and it's wonderful. And when Erwin lets his head fall forward, mouthing wetly at Levi's neck, it's perfect.

Levi's hands scramble for purchase on Erwin's skin as the other man finally starts to move, fingernails scraping over shoulders and digging into his biceps. He writhes against Erwin, anxious and impatient, rocking his hips back against him in an unconscious effort to get him to move harder, _faster,_ to fill him up more.  It isn't until then - it isn't until he starts breathing out his name like a plea - that Erwin pauses. He's lightning quick when he moves, and when he does, it's to grab Levi's wrists, pulling them off of his own body and pressing them down into the mattress. Levi's eyes fly open at the sudden movement - _had he done something wrong?_ \- but when he looks up at Erwin, he sees nothing more than the same low-lidded, lust filled eyes as before.

"Erwin?" he asks, voice soft, eyes concerned, because while Erwin doesn't look upset, he also hasn't resumed his movement and Levi is on the verge of rocking his hips against him again and -

And then Erwin is moving again, sliding Levi's wrists up, up, until his arms are stretched out above his head, as far as they can go before hitting the headboard. Erwin's hands move easily from Levi's wrists then, up to lace their fingers together and press his hands into the mattress, before he's leaning forward, draping his body over Levi's. "It's okay," he murmurs, voice deep, thick, breath warm on Levi's temple, "We don't have to rush."

While Levi knows that Erwin doesn't understand exactly why he'd been trying to hurry - why he'd been so stuck in that mentality - his words help more than he knows. He nods against Erwin at that, sucking in a shuddering breath. And then, finally, Erwin is moving. He's pressing forward into Levi at the same time he leans in to kiss him, and Levi is almost embarrassed at the noise that leaves his mouth just as their lips press together, but then part of him _really_ doesn't care. No, he really can't bring himself to care, not with the way that his body is stretched out under Erwin, not with the way that Erwin’s weight feels on top of him, his cock pressing into him at just the right angle. He can't remember the last time they fucked like this, but at this point, he really doesn't care because they are _now_.

Eventually, Erwin releases one of Levi's hands in favor of reaching down to wrap his fingers around Levi’s cock, and that's the point that Levi realizes that he's not going to last much longer. No, not with the way that Erwin knows exactly how to touch him, just the way to press into him that turns him into a moaning mess beneath him. It only takes a couple of quick flicks of Erwin's wrist before Levi becomes vocal.

"Fuck," Levi moans, throwing his free arm over his face to hide the way that he flushes, " _Oh_ , fuck."

"God, Levi," Erwin murmurs above him, "You’re absolutely intoxicating when you’re like this."

The words are new - before, if Erwin talked during sex, it was shorter, a little filthier - but they're not unwelcomed. In fact, they just manage to send another surge of pleasure toward Levi's groin, causing him to roll his hips up into Erwin's hand. " _Erwin,_ ah -"

Levi's voice catches in his throat only a few seconds later, words cut short as he comes between Erwin and himself, mouth open in a silent moan. And with only a few more thrusts, Erwin is following closely behind, his fingers tightening their grip around the hand he holds over Levi's head, his face pressed into Levi's neck.

And for a moment, they just lie there. Levi can't find it in himself to care about Erwin's weight on top of him or the way he breathes heavily against his neck, the way that the sweat and come feels slick between their bodies. Instead, he allows time to stand still for just one moment, because nothing else matters. Not the titans or the walls or their life before this one, and not the accident or his memory or the last five years.

It isn't until Erwin moves, rolling over wordlessly, that Levi does as well, reaching off of the bed to grab his discarded shirt, using it to clean himself off before handing it to Erwin, who just chuckles in return. "What?" Levi asks, even as Erwin takes the piece of clothing.

Erwin just shakes his head in response, smile spread across his face. "Nothing."

And normally Levi would pry, but right now, he takes Erwin's word for it. Instead, he stands from his spot on the bed, reaching down to find his discarded underwear before pulling them on. It isn't until then - until he looks down at Erwin from where he stands at the side of the bed, _their_ bed - that he sees the little gold band, glinting on the bedside table from the corner of his eye. It isn't until then that he remembers the ring that he'd left, discarded on the table upon his first day returning home from the hospital. Wordlessly, Levi reaches for the ring, well aware of Erwin's eyes heavy on him as he does so. Still, he slips the little gold band onto his ring finger, and it fits perfectly, as if it was always meant to go there.

"Levi-" Erwin starts, but doesn't finish. Instead he's silent as Levi takes a step forward, sitting on the edge of the bed. He doesn't say anything, but he joins Levi, moving forward to sit next to him, watching as he plays with the gold band around his finger.

Somehow, the silence sticks. Levi finds himself lying in bed, Erwin by his side shortly after he slips the ring on his finger, and neither of them says a word. Whether it's because they don't know what to say, or because there are no words to say remains undecided, but it's a comfortable silence, and the ring just feels _right_ around his finger. In a way, Levi wonders why he even took it off in the first place. How could he ever think that he didn’t belong with Erwin?

Levi turns at one point to lie on his side, his head pressed against Erwin's chest, and that's when Erwin finally breaks the silence, eyes still fixed on the gold band around Levi's ring finger. "It feels as if you’re going to disappear the moment I close my eyes and I can’t quite shake that feeling," he says, voice quiet, and he silently hopes it isn't too much. He lets his guard drop, though, because Levi has his head pressed against his heart and Levi says that he remembers him, even if it's not in the way that he'd hoped.

"I know," Levi murmurs in return, "Me too." And it's quiet for a long few moments before Erwin breaks the silence again. 

"You don't have to wear it," he finally says. While he's still coming down, while he doesn't want to worry about Levi or his memory or everything else just yet, he needs to say the words, needs Levi to know that he doesn't want to push him. Even if Levi might remember him from another life, he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to.

Levi just lifts his head to look at him though, a small smile dancing across his face. "I want to."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit, huge chapter, right?  
> Let me know your thoughts! There's only 3 left after this! I'm super excited about the rest!


	11. Time After Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _But I, I keep on falling for you,_  
>  _Time after time, time after time._  
>  _I'll make you mine, time after,_  
>  _Time after time._  
>  \- [Past Lives](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7Z_Fls4y3k) \- Ke$ha
> 
>  
> 
> **FIRST OFF**   
> **Thank you ALL for sticking with this, holy crap. I never meant for there to be such a big gap between updates with** **this chapter, but my life got crazy busy for a little bit and just finding the time to get on a computer, let alone edit** **this chapter and get it up was impossible. So thank you all so so SO much for being patient with me! I'm not dead!** **Haha**
> 
> Also, thanks (as always) to my AMAZING beta [Kelly](http://drummingmagpie.tumblr.com/) for helping me out with this even when both of our lives get a little hectic. I'd be lost without you! <3
> 
> I'm hoping to have the next chapter up in a MUCH more timely manner - only two more to go!

When Erwin awakes in the morning, he almost decides not to get out of bed in favor of closing his eyes and falling back to sleep next to Levi, the smaller man's arm draped around his waist. It's something Erwin has always given Levi shit about - _you know, I think the smaller person is supposed to be the little spoon_ \- and Levi would always huff in return, muttering something about Erwin suffocating him when it's the other way around. So when Erwin wakes that morning to Levi's arm thrown easily around his middle, he almost doesn't get up. Part of him wants to stay in bed all day, as long as he can forget about the world around them for a while and just _be_ with Levi.

Because it's been a while since he's _been_ with Levi. It's been a while since he has woken up with the smaller man at his side, bare chest dusted in early morning light filtering in through the curtains on the wall adjacent to their bed, hair messy, and face peaceful. For a moment, Erwin just wants to lie there next to him all day, but he ultimately he decides to get up and make his way downstairs to make breakfast before heading to work for the day. While he'd much rather spend the entire day in bed with his fiancé - the ring around Levi's finger makes his heart leap in his chest - he's too responsible to call into work and almost certain that Levi would insist that he go.

Reluctantly, Erwin untangles himself from Levi’s limbs and throws on a shirt and some shorts before heading out of the bedroom and down the stairs toward the kitchen.

When Erwin awakes that morning, it's with an image from a vague and unmemorable dream etched into his head. He can't remember any of the details of the dream, which is always a frustrating feeling, but even more so when he closes his eyes and all he can see is a pair of crossed wings looking back at him, clear as day.

After showering and making breakfast, Erwin finds himself sitting at the kitchen table, reading over a couple of papers that he forgot to grade, mindlessly sketching on the backs and margins of the papers as he does so. It's a terrible habit that Levi and his students always give him a hard time about it, but he can't seem to help himself, especially today. Especially with the vivid image stuck in his head and with the way that his heart flutters at the thought of Levi sleeping peacefully upstairs. No, the doodling definitely helps keep his mind busy while he talks himself out of calling in sick and re-joining Levi upstairs.

It isn't until Erwin hears the sound of feet padding quietly down the stairs that he pauses his sketchy drawing, glancing up as Levi comes into view in the kitchen, hair messy with a pair of pajama pants hanging dangerously low on his hips. If Erwin looks closely, he can make out a couple of red and purpling marks on the other man's chest and neck and he feels himself flush. While he has a few matching marks underneath his collar, he hadn't intended on leaving any on Levi and -

"Morning," Levi's groggy voice shakes him out of his thoughts as the smaller man steps into the kitchen, trying - and failing - to smooth out his bed head.

Erwin smiles in response, "Good morning."

It's quiet as Levi crosses the room, both men unsure of what to say. Instead of speaking, Erwin simply goes back to reading the paper, sketching absentmindedly in the margin as Levi pours himself a cup of coffee. It isn't until Levi sits down next to him at the table, plucking a leftover piece of bacon off of Erwin's plate, that Erwin glances up again and speaks, voice soft. "I left you a plate... didn't really want to wake you," he says and in return Levi hums, nodding. He opens his mouth as if to say something, but cuts himself short when he glances down at the paper in front of Erwin.

On the piece of paper, next to a thirteen year-old's handwriting about the civil war, are the wings of freedom, clear as day, sketched out in blue ballpoint pen. The drawing isn't entirely accurate, but it stands out to Levi like a sore thumb, a symbol of freedom, a connection to his past life. His heart lurches in his chest at the idea that Erwin has drawn it, that he remembers something, and he actually has to calm down and school his voice slightly before speaking.

"What is that?" Levi asks after a beat of silence, and the sudden seriousness in his voice causes Erwin to glance up from the paper, raising an eyebrow.

"What are you talking about?" he asks in return. “What is what?”

" _That_ ," Levi presses, jabbing a shaky finger at the little sketch in the margin of the paper.

"Oh," Erwin mutters, shrugging, indifferent, "You know I have a terrible habit of doodling in the margins when I grade papers."

Levi doesn't say anything in response to the way that Erwin just brushes off his question, and instead reaches forward to snatch the paper up from in front of him, staring down at it. No, they're not entirely accurate, but Levi _knows_ those wings, wore those wings, pledged his heart to them - to _Erwin_ \- a lifetime ago. And Erwin _remembers_ , even if it's deep down, even if it's subconsciously, he remembers, even if just a little bit. Levi’s heart pounds in his chest at the idea of it.

Erwin's eyes narrow, watching as Levi stares down at the paper. "Is something wrong?"

And then suddenly, Erwin's words seem to snap Levi out of it. He sets the paper back down on the table, shaking his head. "No," he mutters, choosing his words carefully "I, uh, I just recognize this..."

Erwin's heart leaps at that. Had they seen the wings before? Maybe he'd dreamt of them because he'd seen them already, and he just hadn't remembered it. And if that's the case, does that mean that Levi is starting to remember things? "How do you recognize it?" Erwin asks after a moment, trying hard not to sound too excited.

Levi clears his throat in return, looking down as if to avoid his eyes. While they had talked about things last night and while Erwin hadn't seemed completely put off by the idea of reincarnation, he also hadn't _remembered_ anything. He also hadn't told Levi that he was right. So when Levi speaks, it's soft, muttered, quiet, "From my dreams."

The words hit a switch inside of Erwin and suddenly, the mood changes because he _knows_ what Levi is talking about before he even asks. He knows what he means before he even says anything, but still, he needs to hear it from Levi’s mouth. "Which dreams?" he asks, voice soft, tentative. He doesn't want to push Levi too far if he doesn't want to talk about it - the conversation the day before had already seemed hard enough for him - but Erwin isn't one to just let things be, either. And he also knows that if he doesn't ask, Levi will never tell him what's on his mind.

"The ones I've told you about," Levi answers after a beat of silence. He glances up at that, eyes meeting Erwin's, and when he speaks, Erwin sees nothing but sincerity in them. "The memories."

And while Erwin isn't quite sure what to think about the whole _reincarnation_ talk from the day before, he can't discredit Levi right away. He _can't_ , especially when Levi seems so serious about it, especially with the way that Levi has been acting around him lately, as if they've known each other for years, even though he still can't remember the past five.

"What does it mean?" Erwin asks instead of saying anything else, hoping that it'll help. After all, he's not completely closed-minded about the idea, and if getting Levi to talk about it will help him open up, then he’s all for it. After all, Levi is smart, rational, and Erwin owes it to him to trust him.

Levi looks down again, eyes fixed on the paper, on the drawing of the wings. "They were a symbol..." he mutters, remembering vividly the first time he'd really understood them, watching them fly on the back of Erwin's cloak. " _The wings of freedom_. We wore them on our uniforms," he says, looking up at Erwin "Both of us." Levi watches Erwin as he finishes speaking, as if waiting for him to call him crazy, to try to disprove him, anything.

Instead, Erwin is left speechless. On one hand, he wants to push the idea aside, chalk it up to Levi's head still being jumbled up, to side effects of his pain medication, to _anything_. But on the other hand, he can't. Not with the way that Levi looks at him with utter certainty when he speaks. Not with the seriousness in Levi's eyes as he talks about the little wings, sketched mindlessly on a thirteen year-old's history paper. Levi is many things, but he's not crazy, and Erwin would be stupid not to listen to him, even if _he_ doesn't remember this past life that they apparently shared.

"So, if this is a second life, if we’ve truly been reincarnated..." Erwin murmurs after a long moment of silence, thoughtful. Before he even finishes speaking, he sees Levi's expression change, eyebrows rising in surprise, and he chooses his next words carefully. He wants Levi to feel comfortable talking to him - opening up to him. And honestly, he also wants to hear what he has to say.

"What were our past lives like?" Erwin finishes at last.

Levi opens his mouth to speak, but shuts it again almost immediately, frozen where he stands next to Erwin, looking down at him. He'd expected a response from Erwin, he just hadn't expected _that_. While he knows that the other man is understanding and open minded - he always has been, in their past life and probably in this one too - he wasn't quite sure what to expect from him on this. Because reincarnation is a crazy notion. And it’s even crazier still to think that they managed to find one another in this life, too...

But here Erwin sits in front of him, looking up with open, accepting eyes, and Levi can't help the warmth that rises in his chest at that. He can't help the way he reacts, suddenly leaning down to press his lips to Erwin's before he has a chance to talk himself out of it - before he has a chance to think about what he's doing. And thankfully, Erwin responds to the kiss easily, pressing himself up into Levi's mouth, one of his hands finding its place at the side of his face.

The kiss doesn't last too long, but when he eventually pulls away, Levi almost feels dazed, lightheaded. He presses his forehead up against Erwin's for a moment, taking a couple of deep breaths, eyes closed, and it isn't until he feels Erwin's free hand on his own that his eyes open again.

"Levi," Erwin murmurs underneath him, voice soft, careful. His thumb rubs soft patterns into his palm. "Tell me about our other life. Please."

And Levi can't help but let out a half-hearted, breathy laugh at that, a small smile pulling at the corners of his lips. He pulls away enough so that he can look down at Erwin again, their eyes meeting. "It could take a while."

Erwin just shrugs in response, as if he doesn't care. As if he'd sit there and listen all day if Levi asked him to. "I have time."

"You have _work_ ," Levi counters, allowing the smile to show fully now. The eager look in Erwin's eyes is more than enough to warm his chest.

Unfortunately, Erwin's eyes widen at that. " _Shit_ ," He mutters, glancing up at the clock _._ He's torn for a moment, because while earlier, he'd decided on going to work today, rather than spending the afternoon in bed with Levi, the idea of staying home for the day seems even more tempting now, with Levi standing in front of him, a small smile pulling at his lips, sweatpants hanging low on his hips. It's tempting, especially with the way that Levi is opening up now. Especially with the way that he glances down at the paper in front of him again, eyes fixed on the sketch of the little blue wings with such familiarity that Erwin _has_ to believe him.

And just like that, Erwin's mind is made up. He stands quickly, reaching forward to grab his cell phone off of the table, all while Levi watches him curiously. "I - Hold on, give me a minute," he mutters, and at that, he's dialing Mike's number, rushing into the living room to call him.

Thankfully, Mike is understanding. He's _always_ understanding, always patient, and Erwin thinks that that's why they've been such good friends for so long. Mike understands that Erwin needs to be at home with Levi and promises to cover for him at work, and after many thank yous, Erwin finds himself walking back into the kitchen a few minutes later.

Levi sits at the table, at the chair next to Erwin's, sipping on some coffee while he absent-mindedly reads over the paper with the wings drawn on it, but when Erwin steps into the room, he glances up, small smile playing across his lips. "Playing hooky?" he teases, watching as Erwin crosses the kitchen, pausing just slightly before taking a seat next to him.

"This is much more important," he says. And at that, Levi nods, suddenly quiet. It's going to take some coaxing from Erwin for him to open up, but thankfully, Erwin is patient, and thankfully, Levi trusts him. Before long, Erwin is asking the question again - _"What was our other life like?"_ \- and Levi is finally answering.

"Honestly," Levi mutters, "It was shitty." He fidgets, fingers smoothing out the paper in front of him as he speaks, because part of him is nervous. Part of him is scared to talk to Erwin, to tell him about their past life, because he _knows_ that he won't like what he hears. That it'll just sound like some fucked up nightmare. But still, Levi answers because he can't say no to Erwin - he's never been able to.

"Why do you say that?" Erwin asks softly, patient as always.

And Levi sighs, still hesitant. "Like I said, it's a long story."

"And like _I_ said," Erwin counters, "I have time."

So, against his better judgment, Levi talks. He tells Erwin - _innocent_ Erwin from this life, with those bright, curious eyes - everything that he remembers. He tells him about the walls and the titans and the fucked up government. About his life in the underground and joining the Survey Corps, about how he'd almost _killed_ him outside of the walls on a rainy afternoon, Farlan and Isabel's blood staining the ground beneath their feet. It's a long story but Erwin listens, only asking questions when he's curious or confused, only stopping him when Levi begins to look like the memories are too much.

When Levi mentions Mike, Erwin can't help but raise his eyebrows in surprise, because as far as he knows, Levi wouldn't remember Mike in this lifetime. Erwin hasn't mentioned him since the accident and Levi hasn't seen him, but when Erwin stops Levi and asks him to describe Mike, both his looks and his personality, Levi does it perfectly, as if the man were standing right in front of them, familiar smile pulling at the corners of his lips as he talks about the little quirks in his personality.

And even with that, Erwin doesn't stop him. He lets Levi continue, lets Levi tell him about their life. He listens as Levi tells him about the _war_ that he doesn't quite understand, about the remarkable kids that they supposedly worked with, about the monstrous titans that they battled on a daily basis. He listens as Levi tells him about how they first ended up together, when they first started sleeping together in this past life - how at first it was just a quick fuck here or there for the release until it slowly turned into something more. Levi tells him about how he lost his arm, how they lost the war, how they died, and Erwin listens. While he doesn't quite understand it, and while he's not even sure that he believes it, he listens well into the afternoon until Levi has exhausted himself.

And after the story is over, Erwin doesn't speak, at least not at first. Because what does one say to that? What would be the right words to say to Levi, after everything? If reincarnation is real and this past life really happened, what would he be able to say to make things okay? By the look in Levi's eyes when he finishes telling him everything, there really isn't much. There aren’t any words to make the things that he - that _they_ \- endured _okay_.

So instead, Erwin doesn't try to comfort him, because if he knows Levi, he knows that it's not what he wants. He doesn't want an apology or comforting words, he just wanted someone to hear him, to believe him. So Erwin doesn't try to make things better. Instead, after a few minutes of silence between the two of them in the cool and dimly lit kitchen, Erwin eventually speaks, and when he does, he asks the only question that comes to mind.

"What do you think about soul mates?"

If the question catches Levi off guard, he doesn't show it. Instead, he seems to regard it for a moment, eyes focused on the paper that started this all - the blue wings sketched out in front of him - before shrugging. "I don't know… I'm not that sentimental," he says at last.

And he's not sure what it is, but there's something about Levi's words that break Erwin's heart just a little. Maybe it's in the way he says it, as if he's never considered the possibility of it before, or maybe it's in the defeated look on his face, but something about the way that Levi answers the question kills Erwin. He wants to reach out for him, but he holds himself back just a little bit longer, waits just a little bit more. Instead of just accepting Levi's answer, he chooses to argue it. "Yet you think reincarnation exists…" Erwin counters.

Levi scoffs at that, finally looking up at Erwin from the table. Suddenly, Erwin notices how _old_ Levi looks in his eyes, as if they really have seen everything that the other man just spent hours describing to him, as if they really did endure that past life. And hell, at this point, Erwin's starting to think that they probably have. "You got me there," Levi finally says, shaking Erwin out of his thoughts.

Thankfully, a slight smirk pulls at the smaller man's lips at his words, prompting another carefully worded question from Erwin. Because if Levi's story holds true - if they really did share another life together - there's a reason that they found each other in this one, _right_?

"So..." he says carefully, watching Levi as he speaks, “Say this other life _is_ real… What if we were _meant_ to find each other here in this life?"

Thankfully, Levi smiles at that, reaching forward to brush his fingers against Erwin's, where his hand lays on the table. He can't help it, not with the way that Erwin is responding to everything, not with the way that he's trying. After all, Erwin had always been open minded. He'd always been willing to think outside the box, to consider every option, especially the ones that nobody else would ever entertain. That was one of the things that made Erwin so amazing - one of the reasons that Levi had fallen for him in the first place.

So he can't help the way that he smiles at that, reaching out for him across the table, just as he did many times before in a world a lifetime away. "That would be something, wouldn't it?"


	12. I'll Be There

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _No one said that it'd be easy_   
>  _When trouble comes around_   
>  _I will never let you fall dear_   
>  _And you will never let me down_
> 
> _Ooh, I know_  
>  _Ooh, I know_  
>  _It's gonna be a long hard ride_  
>  _It's gonna be a long hard ride_  
>  _But I'll be there_  
>  \- ["I'll Be There"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJIaY5SkKTU) \- Brighten
> 
> First off, THANK YOU ALL FOR STICKING WITH THIS. I know irregular updates have been kind of crappy to deal with, but life has been crazy busy lately, so thank you all for being so wonderful and amazing and patient.  
> ONLY ONE MORE CHAPTER LEFT! ...And it's my favorite. So I hope you all love it as much as I do.
> 
> Thanks as always to my AMAZING beta [Kelly](http://drummingmagpie.tumblr.com/). I would be lost without you <3

_The pain is the first thing that really hits Erwin. The searing, ripping, bone crushing pain, shooting up his arm, into his shoulder and down through his entire body, trickling into his veins and muscles like poison. It has him tensing, head thrown back, eyes shut tight, as he tries to concentrate on something, anything else. Distantly, through a veil of fog and pain and confusion, he can hear voices, but it's nearly impossible for him to really distinguish what they're saying. Mostly, he just gets little snippets -_

_"What happened?"_

_"Titan - his arm -"_

_" - and they've taken Eren - "_

_"We need to get him to safety..."_

_"What about the Captain?"_

_“Someone find Levi-”_

_\- but it's hard to piece together much of anything while he's struggling to hold onto consciousness, the crippling pain almost enough to make him black out. The only thing that keeps Erwin awake - or as awake as he is - is the worry that he feels in his chest for those around him, though he doesn't recognize any of the voices. In fact, the worst part isn't the pain, nor is it the sticky, sickening feeling of blood slick on his skin making his clothing stick heavy to him; it's the paralyzing fear and confusion and loneliness he feels, because everything is black and he doesn't know who anyone around him is, and he tries to reach out with his right arm - the one with the unbearable pain shooting through it - but it won't move, won't react, as if it's not there..._

_The worst part is the sudden overwhelming fear he feels for Levi before finally, everything goes black._

* * *

It's with a sharp gasp that Erwin jolts awake with in the middle of the night, suddenly sitting straight up in bed, eyes wide open as they attempt to adjust to the darkness of the room, searching for something, anything to latch onto. The remnants of his dream linger in the back of his mind, the _pain_ from his dream still burning low in his shoulder and right arm, and Erwin immediately reaches out for the limb, as if to make sure that nothing is wrong. Of course, he's all there, and the only dampness on his skin of from the thin sheen of sweat that covers his entire body. 

It had been a nightmare, only a nightmare, but the pain lingers in the back of Erwin's mind, making him feel uneasy, making his breathing erratic, his stomach upset and his eyes wide, despite his best efforts to calm himself. Eventually, the form next to him in the bed stirs as well, and before long, Levi is reaching over to the bedside table, fumbling blindly in the dark for a moment before flicking the lamp on and sitting up as well, eyes concerned as he looks Erwin over with half-opened lids.

" _Hey_ ," he murmurs softly, voice thick with sleep, "What's wrong?"

Though the feeling of _pain_ is still very real in the forefront of Erwin's mind, it's all he can remember from the dream. That, and the distant, unrecognizable voices in the background. He doesn't have anything visual to go along with it, no terrifying image that most people would have burned into their eyelids after an awful nightmare. Instead, he just has the pain.

Erwin shakes his head back and forth slightly, his breathing evening out just slightly. "I’m not sure."

"Nightmare?" Levi questions softly, watching Erwin with concerned eyes.

He nods, "Yes."

"What about?" Levi asks, and at that, Erwin's at a loss. He doesn't know what to say, because really, he doesn't know what his dream had been about. The only thing he really remembers is the searing pain, but nothing before it. He doesn’t know what cause the terrible throbbing in his arm or the slick, sticky feeling of blood coating his skin. Levi's voice sounds concerned, though, so Erwin sighs, letting out a deep breath.

"I don't remember much," he answers honestly. He closes his eyes, pinching at the bridge of his nose, willing the sensation to go away, "Intense pain radiating from my arm."

And at that, Levi's demeanor seems to change. Though he's still only half-awake - Erwin can tell by the look in his eyes - he seems to take Erwin's answer very seriously, even sitting up straighter in the bed. "Which arm?" he asks, voice low.

While Erwin wants to question him - is it really that important? - he doesn't. He's too tired, too exhausted, to ask questions, so he just shrugs, rubbing mindlessly at his right shoulder. "I’m fairly certain it was my right arm," When Levi's expression only darkens at his answer, Erwin finally questions him. "Why?"

"Did you see anything?" Levi asks instead of answering him, looking up at him with serious eyes, "Or hear anything?"

"I was in complete darkness," Erwin answers, trying to remember the dream before it fades away, the way that dreams usually do, "Voices kept fading in and out, and nothing said made much sense - just something about my arm and - "

At that, Erwin's voice catches in his throat and Levi's eyes widen. "What?" Levi asks, suddenly nervous, "Erwin, what?"

"And a _titan_ ," he says at last, watching Levi for a reaction, the realization of the words dawning on him, "Levi, you don't think-"

"You _did_ lose your arm," Levi mutters, before Erwin can even finish asking the question, "Your right arm - it was a titan - "

"I don’t think you were there, though," Erwin says almost immediately, "In my dream - I couldn’t hear your voice." If the pale look on Levi's face says anything, it's that this is not a memory that he Erwin wants to have - this isn't something that he wants Erwin to remember. So he rushes to make Levi feel better, because maybe it was just a coincidence. After all, Levi _had_ told him about how he lost his arm while explaining everything to him a few weeks ago, now - maybe the dream had just been a product of Levi's story. It couldn't be a memory, _right?_  

"I _wasn't_ there," Levi replies, voice low. He looks down, avoiding Erwin's eyes, as if he's ashamed of his admission. "When it happened, I wasn't there."

Without another word, Erwin reaches out for Levi's hand, despite the low memory of pain burning in the back of his mind. He makes sure to reach out with his right arm, as if to show Levi that it's okay - that he's alright. His fingers graze Levi's knuckles gently before running over his palm.

"You're here now," he murmurs, unsure if they're the right words, but certain that they need to be said. It has almost been a month since everything - since the kiss in the kitchen and sleeping together and Levi telling him _everything_ \- and while it has been good, it's been far from perfect. Levi still skirts around Erwin with certain issues here and there, tries not to mention his memories too much, even though Erwin is pretty open-minded about everything.

He can't help but be open-minded about it, because even though Levi hasn't regained his memories, he kisses Erwin like he knows him. He knows how to talk to him and how to touch him and he knows just the right spot on Erwin's neck (at the juncture of his jaw) that makes his eyes flutter closed and his knees go weak, and it's hard to believe that they're all things that Levi has just picked up on. Erwin can't help but be open-minded about this past life, because ever since Levi _remembered_ , so-to-speak, it's like he has his old Levi back. They've been sleeping in the same bed every night, now, and Levi still wears the ring every day. Even though Levi doesn't remember the past five years, and even though Erwin doesn't remember their past life, he still wears the ring, still kisses Erwin like he always has, still looks at him as if he can't believe he's really there.

So yeah, Erwin might just believe in past lives, in reincarnation, in soul mates. Especially if his soul mate is Levi.

It's quiet between the two of them for a while in the dim light of the bedroom, the clock behind Levi reading 3:04 in the morning, and it isn't until it reads 3:06 that Levi breaks the silence.

"If you can't sleep, I can go make some tea," he offers softly, and Erwin can't help but smile at his words.

He runs his thumb over Levi's wrist, staring down at his hands before looking up at him. "Please don’t feel guilty," he murmurs, instead of responding to Levi's words, "About not being there. That was a lifetime ago." He may not quite remember it, but if the look on Levi's face tells him anything, it's that the words need to be said.

"Shut up," Levi scoffs. He turns to hide his face, but doesn't pull away, lets Erwin keep running his fingers along his hands and wrists.

"I'll be able to sleep," Erwin continues, leaning forward to search out Levi's gaze, "As long as you're here." And though Levi scoffs at the comment, he still leans into Erwin’s touch at that, slotting his body comfortably against Erwin’s under the blankets.

* * *

 

Though Erwin doesn't remember their past life, he never tries to discredit Levi. He never tells him that he might be wrong - never offers up another explanation to the dreams and the memories and _everything_. No, instead, he just _believes_ Levi, and it's as simple as that. And Levi is eternally grateful that he carried that quality into this life - his trust. Because he _trusts_ Levi. Even when the idea of reincarnation sounds absolutely ridiculous - and Levi _knows_ it - he never questions him. 

Ultimately, that's why Levi eventually asks Hanji to come over for dinner one night, to help explain things to Erwin, because she remembers, too. Because one quiet evening, Erwin asks Levi if anyone else remembers – if Levi is the only one – and Levi eventually lets it slip that Hanji has known for a while. Eventually, Erwin asks Levi if she could come over sometime and help fill him in on the things that Levi doesn’t quite remember, and Levi eventually agrees. After all, it might be good for Erwin to hear everything from someone other than him.

Of course, once Hanji finds out the meaning behind the dinner that Levi invites her over for a few days later, she invites Mike as well, and before long, Erwin is sitting at the end of the table, watching as two of his best friends banter with his fiancé as if they've known each other for the better part of a decade, even though Levi still doesn't remember the past five years of this life. 

On one side of the spectrum, it's hard to see - it's hard, knowing that the three of them supposedly have an entire lifetime together tucked inside of their minds - but on the other end, it's good to see Levi like this, laughing, smiling, talking with friends. It’s good to listen to Levi recant memories and stories with Hanji and Mike, as if they happened yesterday, and it’s definitely nice to see him look so comfortable and relaxed. And Levi never thought he'd be happier to see Mike. Apparently Hanji had filled him in on everything, because before the man even greets Erwin when he walks into their house, he's striding forward to envelop Levi in a quick hug, muttering out a soft, "It's good to see you."

Levi looks at home alongside Hanji and Mike, and it warms Erwin’s heart, even though he wishes, more than anything, that he could remember everything that they do. As Hanji and Mike insist, though, he could still remember. After all, they haven’t always been able to, either.

And Levi would be lying if he said it didn't feel good to see Mike and Hanji - if he said that it wasn't nice to feel like he's not alone in all of this, to know that they remember, too. He thinks it helps Erwin believe everything, too. While he's never questioned Levi about their apparent past life, it definitely helps knowing that there are two other people who share the same story with him.

It also helps when Mike and Hanji are able to answer questions Levi couldn't, about Erwin's childhood before the war, about the titans and the walls and the government, about his involvement as a Commander and how he received the title, about their lives in this past life as well.

“Did it never occur to you to ask us about this? Ask us if we remembered any of that life?” Erwin asks, gaze darting between Mike and Hanji toward the end of their dinner that evening.

Mike smiles softly at his question. “Of course,” he answers, “But we figured it would be better if you remembered on your own.”

“Besides,” Hanji chimes in, “Let’s be honest, you would have thought we were crazy.”

“I didn’t think Levi was crazy,” Erwin argues gently, glancing toward his smiling fiancé.

“You’re in love with Levi,” Hanji retorts almost immediately, “It’s different with him.”

Mike hums, adding, “It always has been.” Erwin can’t help the way that he glances at Levi again at his words, as if for reassurance, and if the look on his face says anything, it’s that Mike is right.

Later, after everyone leaves, Levi sits down next to Erwin on the couch, the television low, serving as soft background noise as the two of them relax after a long day. Hanji doesn't really get out of the house until eleven, and by the time they're done cleaning up the kitchen, it's well past midnight. Levi hadn't expected them to stay as long as they did, but he's definitely not complaining. It was good seeing Hanji and even better seeing Mike after so long, and by the time he sits down next to Erwin, he's exhausted. He yawns, relaxing against the other man's side, head resting against his chest as Erwin drapes his arm comfortably around him.

For a moment, it's quiet between the two of them, the television the only thing making any noise. Levi stares at it for a moment, but he's not really paying attention. Instead, he focuses on the feeling of Erwin’s arm around his waist, thumb moving softly against his hip.

After a few quiet minutes between the two of them on the couch, it's Erwin who eventually breaks the silence. "Did you and I fall in love?" he asks softly, and seemingly out of nowhere, "In our other life?"

While Erwin asked plenty of questions about their past life over the last few hours, he never asked anything along those lines.  It was mostly the simple details that Levi had left out before either because he didn't know or because he forgot to mention them - _How did he join the survey corps? Did they win the war? How did he meet Hanji and Mike? -_ but nothing like this.

Levi is quiet for a moment, regarding Erwin's question before smiling and nodding against him. "Yeah," he murmurs, "We never said it, but yeah. We did."

Erwin hums in response, thumb still tracing small patterns into Levi's skin. "What about this life?" he asks after another moment of silence.

The question catches Levi off guard. He sits up, looking at Erwin. "What?"

And Erwin just smiles in response. "Do we love each other in this life?"

Levi snorts out a short laugh. "You'd be the expert on that, now, wouldn't you?" he asks in return. Erwin doesn't say anything to that, though, just shooting Levi another small smile in response, and it only takes a few seconds to see what Erwin is trying to do. He wants Levi to say it. Once that really hits Levi, he can't help but swallow hard, the last few fleeting memories of his last life flashing before his eyes - how he didn't let Erwin say it, even then. And he should have, _god_ he should have, but hindsight is twenty-twenty.

Instead of letting his regret show, though, Levi just shoots Erwin a smirk. "Trying to get me to make up for before?" he teases softly.

Erwin chuckles. "Something like that."

And without thinking about it, Levi leans in, pressing a quick, soft kiss to Erwin's lips. When he finally says it, the words tumble out easily, and he can't help but wish that he would have said it sooner. "I love you," he murmurs, and it just feels _right_ saying the words to Erwin, "I did then, and I do now."

Erwin leans in at that, pressing his forehead softly to Levi's. He reaches up, brushing his cheek softly with his thumb. "Even though you don't remember..." he says softly, and while it's not a question, Levi has to confirm it.

"Even though I don't remember," he echoes, "I've got plenty of other memories stored away in here, and I know that I love you."

Erwin leans down to kiss him softly at that, and while he doesn't say anything in return, he doesn't need to. The way that he holds Levi, the way that he kisses him, says enough.

It's quiet between the two of them for a few moments after Erwin pulls away, and when the silence is finally broken, Erwin is the one to speak, voice quiet, far away. "It isn't fair..."

Levi turns to look up at him from where he lies against his side. "Why do you say that?" he questions quietly.

Erwin takes a deep breath before speaking again, "It’s unfair that I remember pieces of this life that you don't, while you remember parts of another life that I don't."

Levi laughs at Erwin's words, at the almost childish selfishness in his voice. "Funny how things work out..." he mutters in response.

"Yeah…"

"I guess I could say the same about you," Levi teases, trying to keep the conversation light, "I'd like to remember the things that you do, too."

Erwin just shrugs in return, "It's only five years. You - Mike, Hanji - you have an entire lifetime stored away in your heads..."

"Still..." Levi argues, "It's not necessarily a lifetime that I'd like to remember."

"Why?" Erwin asks softly, gazing down at Levi. He reaches forward, brushing a stray hair out of his face while he waits for a response.

"As if you couldn't tell by everything we told you tonight..." Levi scoffs, averting his eyes, "I'd rather remember this. It's much happier."

And at that, it's quiet for a moment. Levi almost takes his words back, because he doesn't want it to seem like he's discrediting Erwin's thoughts and opinions - he's completely justified to want to remember their past life - but ultimately, he doesn't say anything. It's true, after all - their last life had been shit compared to this. Erwin had lost an arm, gotten arrested, tortured - Levi had grown up in poverty, killed his way to the top in the underground, and the both of them had lost countless people that they'd loved, had died before they really had a chance to live... No, this life is much better, there’s no arguing that.

After a few moments of silence, Erwin speaks again. His voice is suddenly much lighter, almost _excited_ sounding, and Levi looks up at him when he speaks. "I could try to jog your memory," he says suddenly.

Levi offers him a sly smile, "Nice try, old man. I'm exhausted."

"Not like that," Erwin counters, stirring underneath Levi, suddenly anxious. Even Levi can tell how his body almost seems to buzz suddenly.

"Then like what?" he asks, confused.

Erwin gets up and off of the couch, but instead of standing or pulling Levi to his feet, he simply kneels at the foot of the couch, reaching out for Levi’s hands from where he sits. “Can I see your ring?” he asks gently, and before Levi even realizes why the question is being asked, he’s sliding the band off of his finger and handing it over to an eager looking Erwin without question. After all, he’s used to obeying Erwin’s orders, used to following him into the unknown without second thought. This isn’t any different.

It isn’t until Erwin reaches out and takes his hand after Levi hands him the ring that he realizes what’s happening, and it isn’t until then that Levi’s heart practically swells in his chest. “Erwin-” he starts to say, but Erwin is speaking over him, voice unlike Levi’s ever heard it before. He’s so used to smooth, strong and confident Commander Erwin Smith, that the nervous, tentative tone in Erwin’s voice when he speaks is a surprise.

“I know you don’t remember the first time I proposed to you, and that’s fine,” Erwin murmurs, gazing up at Levi with bright, eager eyes. They’re the same eyes that Levi had fallen for in their past life; strong and certain and full of hope. “But I want to be able to remember everything that you do, and I want you to be able to remember everything about our life together now.” He pauses, takes a deep breath and continues, “If that never happens, it’s okay because I want to be able to make new memories with you, Levi. I want that more than anything, and I hope that’s what you want, too…”

Levi, unable to speak from where he sits on the couch, eyes locked on Erwin’s, manages a silent nod in response to his words. Of course he wants that, of course he wants to be able to make new memories in this life with Erwin. It’s a miracle alone that he managed to find Erwin again in this life, let alone end up with him, and it would be a crime not to take advantage of that, not to take Erwin’s hand and run…

“I know you’re not one for sappy speeches like this, so I’ll keep it short,” Erwin continues, now smiling up at Levi from where he kneels in front of the couch, “Will you marry me?”

“ _Fuck_ ,” Levi mutters. His free hand flies up to cover his mouth at that and he lets out a choked laugh, nodding, “Yeah, of course. God, Erwin-”

And before he has a chance to say anything else, Erwin is sliding the ring back onto his finger and leaning up, catching his parted lips in a swift, passionate kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so freaking excited to share the last chapter with all of you! Thank you all so much for sticking with this! <3


	13. I Know Your Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _I know your heart every morning though_  
>  _I know your love, but I still need it the most_  
>  _I'll stay with you forever, I will never go_  
>  _Write a love song_  
>  \- [A Love Song](http://www.americansongwriter.com/2012/10/daily-discovery-zach-maberry-a-love-song) \- Zach Maberry (I know it's an odd site, but I couldn't find this song on youtube and you need to listen to it because oh my god, this song is fucking amazing)
> 
> Thank you all so so much for sticking with this! I know my past few updates have been a little irregular, but I hope the ending to this fic makes up for that! This chapter, while short, was definitely my favorite to write, so I hope you all love it as much as I do!
> 
> As always, my beta [Kelly](http://drummingmagpie.tumblr.com/) is an absolute saint and made this fic 100x better. I'd be lost without her!
> 
> I'm currently working on a few other little eruri fics, so keep an eye out for those soon. Kelly and I are also working on something pretty awesome and I'm super excited to share it because these two old men will be the death of me.

_Levi really shouldn't be bitching about the cold in December, but he can't help it, not when everything seems to be going wrong. Not when the restaurant that they were supposed to go to for their anniversary seems to have closed early, and not when a stupid freak snowstorm just had to blow in minutes before they parked the car, leaving Levi in a small jacket with no hood._

_"Un-fucking-believable," he mutters to himself, as he walks quickly down the slick, icy sidewalk back to the car, Erwin trailing silently at his side, "I called last week and they said that they'd be open until nine tonight. I guess that's what I get for trying to do something nice..."_

_As he walks, he holds his jacket over his head, protecting himself from the thick falling snow. He hadn't bothered with a heavier coat with a hood because it had been nice out earlier, but of course, whatever could go wrong did go wrong tonight, and that meant snow. And a shitload of it._

_"_ _Anywhere else will either be packed or closed by now," Levi continues, mostly to himself as they walk. It's almost impossible to see in the quickly falling snow and he almost slips a couple of times at his fast pace, but Levi keeps trudging through it because it's freezing, and honestly, he wants nothing more than to be back at their warm house, curled around Erwin on the couch, some warm takeout in his hands. "We'll just have to get something quick to eat on the way home, if we can find a place that's still open. This is bullshit-"_

_Levi isn't certain when Erwin stopped walking, but he suddenly realizes, as he rants to himself, that he only hears his own footsteps, not his boyfriend's at his side, and turns quickly on his heel to look back at him. Sure enough, there Erwin stands, a good yard or two back behind him, just staring at him through the snow. Levi narrows his eyes._

_"What the hell, Erwin?" he bites, "Come on, I'm freezing. You might have a lot more fat than me to keep you warm, but that doesn't mean that-"_

_"Marry me."_

_The words are quiet, distant, but they cut though anything that Levi was about to say, leaving him standing slack-jawed, eyebrows raised. It takes Levi a moment to compose himself enough to reply. "Pardon?"_

_"Levi," Erwin says, and when he speaks, he sounds breathless. He's smiling now, a big, goofy grin plastered across his face, eyes eager and bright. He takes a couple of steps forward in the snow. "Marry me."_

_Levi opens his mouth, then closes it, stammering, heart thudding in his chest. "I - I don't think that's the proper way to ask someone that question..."_

_By the time Levi finishes talking, Erwin is right in front of him, reaching out to take his cold hands. And despite the snow, Levi lets him, his jacket falling around his shoulders. In a softer voice, Erwin repeats the question. "Will you marry me, Levi?"_

_While it's the third time Erwin's said the words in the past minute, they still don't really seem to sink in with Levi. Instead, his whole body seems to freeze, heart hammering in his ears. Erwin's touch sets his skin on fire and his words sound far away._

_Somehow, Levi finds it in himself to speak. "Aren't you supposed to get down on one knee?" he asks, instead of answering the question._

_At Levi's request, Erwin drops to one knee on the wet, icy pavement, still holding steadily onto Levi's hands. "Marry me, Levi," he says again, voice sure, steady. As if he's never been more certain of anything else in his life._

_And maybe it's the nerves, maybe it's the words floating around in his head - marry me, marry me - but Levi finds himself glancing around them, at the cars driving by them slowly, at the few people walking on the other side of the street, eyeing them as they pass by. Levi starts tugging at Erwin's arms at that, trying to pull him back into a standing position. "Get up, get up," he hisses, "You look like an asshole. And you're getting all wet."_

_Erwin doesn't budge from where he kneels on the ground, though, gazing up at Levi. "Is that a yes?"_

_"Fuck," Levi mutters, closing his eyes. He can't hide the smile on his face, however and manages a quick, short nod, "Yeah - yeah, it's a yes. Of course it's a yes, you fucking moron, now get up."_

_And Erwin doesn't need to be told twice - he's standing at that and dipping down to kiss Levi fiercely, and despite the cold wind and the falling snow, Levi's chest feels warm._

* * *

 

It's the sound of shattering glass downstairs that has Erwin dropping everything in his hands and running out of the bedroom late on a Saturday afternoon. "Levi?" he calls down the hallway, and when he doesn't receive a response, he's moving quickly, taking the stairs two at a time and almost falling as he flies down them, suddenly worried that something bad has happened.

While it's been almost two months since Levi collapsed and blacked out on the kitchen floor, Erwin can't help but worry about him from time to time. He'll still get headaches here and there, and sometimes he gets this far away look on his face that absolutely breaks Erwin's heart, so he can't help but worry. Even though things have been great, even though Levi curls up next to him in bed almost every single night, and even though he kisses him like he's been doing it his entire life, Erwin can't help but worry, because their relationship will never be normal.

When he finally rushes into the kitchen, it's to find Levi leaning over the counter, one palm pressed against the granite, the other reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose, a tell-tale sign of a rough headache or migraine. Glass and plates lay shattered around his feet on the tile floor and Erwin is careful not to step too close, even in socks. Right now, Levi is still conscious, though it looks like he's in quite a bit of pain.

"Levi?" he calls again, "Are you okay?

Levi doesn't move, however. He can't find it in himself to look up, to say anything, because of the images playing over and over inside of his head - the images of snow and the slick street, of Erwin down on one knee in front of him, hair wet from the snow, eyes eager.

No, Levi can't do anything but stand there breathless, fingers pressed into the corners of his eyes as he tries to figure out if it's a memory - if he's really _remembering_ something, if he's really lucky enough to remember _this_ of all things. His chest feels heavy, but light at the same time, and the warm feeling trickles through his veins into his hands and the tips of his fingers like sand, and the headache slowly starts to dissipate.

"Levi," Erwin repeats, "Look at me."

And finally, Levi finds it in himself to look up at Erwin. The same Erwin that he sees behind closed eyelids, smiling at him through thick snowflakes. The same Erwin who held a hand out to him in the rain, offering him another chance at life.

"Are you alright?" Erwin asks as soon as Levi looks up at him, "Is it your head? Do you need me to -"

"I was bitching about the restaurant being closed," Levi manages to mutter at last, throat tight. He's still uncertain if it's a real memory, but the pain receding in his head feels real and the warmth in his chest _definitely_ feels real, so he lets himself hope that it is - if he's going to remember anything from this life, hopefully he gets to remember _this_.

Erwin shoots him a confused look at his words, uncertain as to what he's talking about, "What?"

"They served your favorite cake there and they were closed even though they said they'd be open," he says, recounting the images in his head. And thankfully, slowly, Erwin's eyes begin to widen. His jaw drops as he seems to realize what Levi is talking about.

"When you proposed to me," he says at last, "I called you an asshole, I think."

"Levi," Erwin’s voice is breathless when he finally speaks, taking a step forward, "I - how, when did you-?"

"Right now," Levi mutters. He glances around at that, at the broken dishes on the floor. " _Fuck_ \- and then I broke all of this shit. Watch your step."

But Erwin doesn't listen. He takes another step forward, "Come here-"

"No," Levi argues, turning, heart hammering in his chest because _he remembers. He really remembers_ , "I need to clean this up."

"Wait, Levi," Erwin insists, and finally, Levi allows himself to turn, to look up at Erwin again. He can't hide the smile from his face when their eyes meet, beaming up at Erwin.

"Okay..."

And then, without warning, Erwin is stepping forward, hauling Levi up off his feet and pressing a kiss to his lips. And then another, and another. He swings Levi around to the other side of the mess, littering kisses over his lips and cheeks.

"Fuck - okay, I get it, stop," Levi mutters, kicking his feet in the air, "Put me down, asshole, I don't remember _everything."_

"But you remember," Erwin argues, smile playing across his lips. He listens to Levi, though and sets him down, away from the shattered dishes.

Levi smiles back, "I remember. Now let me clean this up, and then we can talk about it."

Levi crosses the room quickly at that, very aware of Erwin's eyes heavy on him as he reaches into the closet to grab a broom and dust pan. He resists the urge to leave the mess, though, in favor of waiting it out, and within minutes, Levi is sweeping up the few remains of half a dozen dishes as Erwin leans up against the counter behind him, sipping on a cup of coffee.

"You know, you could offer to help me with this," Levi bites, but he's only half serious.

"And you'd get mad because I'm not doing it right," Erwin counters with a smile in his voice.

Levi straightens out, standing and turning at that, eyes narrowed as he moves past Erwin toward the garbage. "Why are you so damn chipper?"

"Besides the fact that you remembered my incredibly romantic proposal to you?" Erwin teases in return.

Levi rolls his eyes, setting the broom and dust pan aside in order to look up at Erwin properly, "Yeah. Besides that."

Erwin's smile only widens, and when he speaks it's soft, "I dreamt of you last night."

Levi rolls his eyes, turning back to the trash, pulling the bag out and tying the ends of it closed. "That's great," he mutters over his shoulder as he puts a new bag in the trash can, “But you've got the real thing here, you know."

"About the first time I saw you," Erwin continues, as if he didn't even hear Levi speak, " _In Sina_."

And Levi freezes at that, heart practically stopping at Erwin's words - at _Sina_ on his tongue. He turns at that, and time seems to slow down, seems to come to a complete halt when he looks at Erwin. _"What?"_

And Erwin's grin only widens, obviously a little amused by Levi's reaction. "You were always better than me with the maneuver gear..." he says softly, and the words are more than enough to send a fresh batch of adrenaline coursing through Levi's veins. Because he's not imagining it - the words are really leaving Erwin's lips. He remembers.

"Erwin-"

"I never told you…" Erwin murmurs, voice low as he takes a couple of steps into Levi's space. He reaches out, fingers just barely brushing Levi's knuckles, and he dips his head down low, so he can whisper his next words, "But I’ve been in love with you since the first time I saw you fly."

Levi's dropping everything at that, reaching forward to drag Erwin's lips down to meet his own, arching up into the kiss with every inch of his body, with every bit of energy that he can muster. And Erwin returns the kiss just as passionately, arms wrapping around his waist, pulling him up, pulling him closer.

And finally, everything just seems to slide into place. Everything feels _right_.

When they eventually part, Levi is left breathless, face pressed into the soft, warm cotton of Erwin's shirt. "I don't even know what to say..." he murmurs softly.

"I love you?" Erwin offers in return, pulling away just slightly to smile down at Levi.

"Well no shit," Levi mutters back with a nervous chuckle. But then he's leaning in, pressing his head against Erwin's chest. Then he's inhaling, breathing in Erwin's scent, because even in this life, he smells the same. Even in this life, he's still _his Erwin_. Levi presses into his chest, listening to the quick thudding of his heartbeat. "Of course I do, Erwin," He murmurs at last, the words he never said in their past life, the words he always wanted to say leaving his lips, "I love you. I always have."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe this is finally over! I know this chapter is a little short, but I hope you all love the ending as much as I loved writing it!
> 
> I'm constantly working on new stuff, so if you're ever curious about what I might be posting next, you can always find me on tumblr [HERE](http://thefangirlingdead.tumblr.com/).
> 
> I love you all! <3


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